Mum of 11 year old daughter needs help

This is my first post so please bear with me. 

My daughter is 11 and was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum just over a year ago. She started senior school in September but is really struggling with friendships and is consequently being bullied, mostly on the bus home. I’d like any advice on helping her make and maintain friendships. 

Also, with hormones raging she is so up and down I’m struggling to handle some of her outbursts. She has taken to throwing stuff round in her room although she seems to be being careful not to actually break anything. I mostly sit outside her door in tears until it’s over but wish I could help her express her emotions without getting in such a state. 

Any my help/advice from those who have been where I am would be appreciated. Thanks x

  • Hi Rachel

    I am mum to an 11 year-old who is going to mainstream secondary in September.  I am already aware of issues within her peer group and have, therefore, elected not to work for a few months in order to ensure that she is either settled or en route to a transfer...  I worked as an Inclusion Manager for 18 months and have seen how very unpleasant children can be to peers who are "different"; but one thing that I do know is that bullying is not acceptable and should not be tolerated.  If there is no adult on the bus to supervise children; I would recommend that you arrange alternative transport for your daughter.  If you claim DLA for her, you should be able to sort a taxi?  I cannot recommend this highly enough - the journey to and from school can make or break a sensitive, hormonal wee girl - I know it does mine...

    With regards to the outbursts, I am experiencing the same with my daughter and have requested referral via the GP to a specialist course for parents of older children with ASD.  Not only will this help, but also I will hopefully be able to share experiences with other parents with similar issues.  I would recommend some of my own strategies, but they wouldn't necessarily work with your daughter. 

    I have found that deep breathing, using relaxation techniques *you not her" has been very useful.  It may take a few "go's" but stay with it.  Also, pampering sessions together are a great way to have a chat.  I am a former Personal Trainer so have several strings to my bow, but more than anything I just keep trying different strategies.  I would suggest that anything that you change you prewarn her about and keep trying for 4-6 weeks before changing the strategy/ exercise.

    One thing that I have reinforced multiple times to my daughter (I always speak calmly and slowly) is that throwing things won't help.  Asking her to express what is "wrong" doesn't work - she tends to begin a period of escalation; but distracting her or using positive reinforcement helps; as does saying things like "I don't know about you, but I don't "get" people..."  Once she feels that she isn't being criticised, she will sometimes tell me about something that has happened.  Channels of communication aren't always open, but we keep trying between us :)  I always ask her about her day when she gets home and she mine (although my reply isn't heard hehe) and this is a good start...

    With regards to friendships - I would say that as long as your daugher is happy with her social situation then her demands are being met.  We aren't all social creatures, regardless of diagnoses :)

    I hope that some of this is helpful in some way

  • No I don't mean she will be able to avoid the bullies when she is older, I meant she doesn't need to be subjected to them at the moment and if she chooses she can avoid plenty of them when she is older,  as I said she won't learn to deal with these people when she gets older, the best she will ever be able to do is not deal with them at all. 

  • I disagree with Song's statement that your daughter will always be able to avoid bullies when she's an adult. Due to my need for reasonable adjustments in the workplace I have been the subject of bullying behavior by three line managers and I work as a teacher. Once I complained, two of these employers offered me significant sums in settlement agreements (one I was only at for a few months) and the final one I managed to get a new job and leave after a few weeks. Although I did eventually leave all of these companies and now work somewhere where they are kind, I was stuck in these previous employments for a while (one for two years) whilst I managed to secure new posts.

    Having a disability will always make your daughter vulnerable. Teaching her strategies for coping with bullies at all stages of her life and building her confidence up so that she can stand up for herself and complain when necessary couldd be hugely beneficial.  This website might be useful - www.familylives.org.uk/.../

  • Blade i couldn't agree more.

    And Rachel when people tell you that she should go to school as she will have to learn to deal with these people one day, no she wont, it isn't going to happen, she will learn to avoid them, she will learn that there are lots of haters out there, but YOU can protect her from that at the moment. My youngest has been home schooled for the very same reasons, she will take her gcse's this year and will hopefully fly through them without having to cope with the abuses from high school. I believe that she is going to do better than she would have in school as she doesn't have to worry all the time about the bus, other people, eating with other people, teasing, bullying etc.

  • I don't want to be negative, but wanted to share my thoughts on the matter. 

    I was severely bullied all through school (multiple schools in fact - three of them) and through university. I don't believe friendship can be taught, manufactured or forced. At that age I did wish I had friends, so I didn't feel so desperately lonely and would perhaps have someone to turn to when I was being bullied. I got nothing. An entire school life of pain and trauma. And I don't want to be negative, only to ask you to consider alternative education sources if you haven't already. Though she might be fine academically in a mainstream school, you may find that her social needs better qualify her for a different school setting or perhaps some form of homeschooling if you can manage it. Those simply weren't options for me when I was young, but I desperately wish someone had taken me away from the school environment because more than a decade of effort couldn't fix my inherent ability to attract bullies. And honestly, as an adult it hasn't gone away - I was recently very badly bullied in a workplace, in a way that no others were, which shows me that those experiences don't necessarily go away with age. Fortunately, I am now in a much better workplace where I've only met with one bully but have many other people who I get on well with.

    As an adult my coping mechanisms are to never get too comfortable with people and allow myself to talk freely, and to not interact socially outside of work with any of the people I work with (no staff parties!). As a child, none of that would have been easy. As a child I desperately wanted to fit in, even just a little. As an adult I don't care about fitting in  so it's a whole lot easier. I simply care about avoiding bullies, rather than forming friendships. And remember that adults can move on when a workplace isn't working out, and are not forced to be around bullies every day for years. Those escape routes aren't available to teenagers without adult support.

    Based on my experiences, I have always said that I will not force my own daughter into a school environment  that she is consistently unhappy in. I know this might not be a practical solution for you  but urge you just to consider looking into options beyond how to fix the situation at her current school. 

  • I am a little like you daughter, as I have one friend that I see every 6 - 8 weeks (school holidays as she's a teacher) then I usually have a boyfriend, although I'm single at the minute. That meets all of my socialising needs. Appa, ently this is common for ASD women.

    Although I don't want lots of friends, if I spend most of my time on my own I do get lonely so like to be around other people, which is why I attend the running club.

  • I agree with Endymion about the team aspect. Team games like netball scare the hell out of me. However, there are lots of teams you can get involved in where you're able to be around people but also on your own. I am part of a running club, I speak to others at the start but I run at a different pace so spend most of the session running on my own. I also used to be a member of a sociable cycling club. I went with an existing friend and we spent most of the time talking to each other but I did speak to other people at the cafe stop. They used to invite me to the Christmas party etc, which helped with my sense of belonging. I joined the club through attending organised rides via this website - https://www.letsride.co.uk/social

    It depends on how your daughter is but I struggle with being told what to do and would need to come to the decision myself. It would have helped if my mum had presented me with a number of option, given me the option to add my own ideas and then I made the final choice.

  • I wouldn't necessarily focus on the team aspect, that would put me off anyway, but definitely something where she can work out her energy and use it up / express it in a safe direction. To that end, anything would be a start including cycling, swimming and other things that she is able to enjoy alone without the added social stress. 

    Classes, perhaps even some you can enjoy together, where she is with other people but not necessarily involving teamwork might be something she would enjoy more. Boxercise, Kickboxing, something like that? 

    She may not seem keen on some suggestions such as the "running/screaming/exercise" because, and I do NOT mean this as any kind of criticism, but she has seen how upset it made you when she let loose and threw things around her room. Perhaps if you do them, show her a controlled release like that by example, then it may let her see that you're on board with it and it's nothing to be embarrassed about? You and I wouldn't just let loose and scream no matter how upset we were, but given 'permission' (for want of a better word) and a safe space to do it in, it can be cathartic. My daughter gave little kitten screams at first but once I'd done a few 'crazy-lady' ones, she got on board with it. (After she'd made sure there were no other people around for miles!) 

    Longer term, I do agree with one of the other posts on here that recommended talking strategies. There is a section somewhere on this website about teenagers with ASD, have you found it?    

  • Thank you for this advice, it’s nice hearing from a parent who has experience with girls of this age. 

    My daughter seems to get angry very quickly and often cannot remember how she got so angry in the first place. I did suggest the running/screaming/exercise thing but she didn’t seem keen. After the event had happened she almost moved on in the blink of an eye like nothing has happened  

    I’d like to find an activity she enjoys and can be part of a team but she doesn’t seem to enjoy anything enough. She demands lots of attention so it has to be a small group activity but we haven’t found it yet. 

  • I will be contacting the school/bus company tomorrow as it is a private bus for her school only. I assumed there was an adult on board supervising but maybe not. 

    I feel she is an easy target for bullies as she tends to be on her own. It’s just name calling and throwing rubbish as her at the moment but it’s really upsetting her. 

  • Funny you should say this as at my therapy session today my therapist said exactly the same thing and to be honest, I don’t actually think she does want friends as much as I want her to have them. I just assumed she would be lesser target for bullying with friends but know this isn’t necessarily the right way to view the situation. 

  • Is there any way the school can help with this bullying on the bus? No prefects or adults she could sit closer to?

    I wonder exactly what it is she is being bullied for. The answer to that may be the way to look for better coping strategies. 

    School can be an absolute jungle. I hope you can find some ways to navigate this difficult milestone. 

  • Hi Rachel,  does your daughter want to have friends? I only ask because everyone tried to get me to have friends but I didn't want them. If she does then I have no idea how to get them but if she doesn't then she doesn't need to force herself to have them to fit in.

  • I agree with your concerns about the outbursts. Although they're helping your daughter in the short term it isn't a sustainable way for her to manage her emotions and it would be wise to help her develop strategies she can maintain throughout her life. I agree with the suggestion about excercise. I was going to suggest attending a trampolining park but a punch bag sounds like a good idea, A colleague of mine recently attended a two days course designed at helping her find ways to help her ASD's sons manage his anger. Have you contacted your local council and autism support groups to see if there's anything similar in your area?

    Luckily I never struggled with friendships at school but as an ASD women I found some people didn't take to me at work as I didn't understand that most people fake an interest in their colleagues even when they don't care. From their interactions, I learned that when I did want to make friends with someone the easiest way was to take an interest in the person and to ask them questions about their own lives. When I attend conferences at work I make a list of questions I can ask people and write down what I could say about myself if they ask the same question of me. Having prepared answers reduces my anxiety,

  • I have no experience in dealing with bullying issues I'm afraid, nor do I have any idea how my children have made and maintained their friendships -  it isn't an area I ever mastered myself! Hopefully others will be along shortly to offer advice on these things.

    Hormonal young girls, now THAT is something I have a lot of experience of (3 daughters).

    The fact that your daughter is careful to confine her outbursts to her own room and possessions, and the fact that she appears able to control these outbursts to some extent in that she hasn't broken any of her belongings, seems to indicate that she does have some control over them at the moment. This is good! Healthy, I would say.

    It would indicate that she feels overwhelmed (with stress, frustration, perhaps both?) and more importantly that she herself recognises this. More than recognising it, your daughter seems to have worked out that releasing some of that tension makes her feel better - Smart Girl!! Even smarter (considering her age) is that she is showing a LOT of maturity in controlling where, when, and how she is releasing that build-up of tension. This is a whole lot healthier for her than storing it all up inside.

    It might be helpful to talk to her about that, about how well she's been dealing with it so far and why these are healthy strategies as opposed to bottling things up inside.

    Tell her too perhaps about times you have felt the same way and the things (good and not so good) you have done to deal with it in your lifetime. Seeing / hearing that others feel stress and frustration too will no doubt come as a relief for her to hear, that she's not alone in feeling like this. 

    Perhaps offer her some more ways (other than talking about it together, which may be helpful in itself). During some particularly difficult times at school (exam stress) my daughter and I walked to the beach together (during winter when it was deserted) and we took turns SCREAMING to release some tension. I started by telling her "This is how I feel about ...."  SCREAM!!! "Now let me hear how you feel about ..."   scream   "Is that it? That doesn't sound too bad, try again and let me hear how you REALLY feel about it." SCREAM!!!!!! and so on and so on until we both actually did start to feel a bit better. (Take water for sore throats after it!) 

    It doesn't change the situation, any more than throwing things about her room does, but it DOES help to release tension a LOT! 

    Other things we tried were blowing up entire packs of balloons and jumping on them to burst them, doing the same to several cardboard boxes and tearing them up with our hands, ripping up whole newspapers each, having water fights ... anything physical and safely destructive is actually quite cathartic!! It can be fun too, much more fun than keeping these destructive feelings bottled up inside where they're liable to explode in a less controlled way eventually. 

    I've heard other parents on here talking about getting their child a punch-bag and equally useful might be clubs or sports that she can expel some of that energy into.