Published on 12, July, 2020
does anyone else feel this because i feel like out of anyone i know that i'm the dumbest and that i can never be as smart as everyone else and that i won't be able to get a good career because of this. i just feel like my IQ doesn't measure up to others.
I have been at both ends.I was labelled a child genius. I had a MENSA-worthy IQ and raced through all academic work to the point where schools couldn't keep up with me.
As I reached my teenage years I was still highly intelligent, but my autistic limitations were definitely holding me back. My peers were growing around me, and my limitations were becoming increasingly obvious by the year because I simply wasn't keeping up.
As an adult, I definitely feel significantly less intelligent. Many basic adult tasks are beyond me, like properly maintaining my home, paying bills and dealing with companies/businesses, using public transport. I have an inability to follow world news and culture, so I can't join in with many adult conversations. I'm physically slow - my motor skills simply haven't reached an adult level and so I'm much slower at any tasks that involve my hands and I'm also clumsy. I find it very difficult to speak in general, so I end up using very limited vocabulary to save myself the effort/risk, or I say the wrong thing and make myself look stupid.I know I still have that intelligent mind - I get to hear it every moment of every day - but it's locked away and nobody else can tell it's there. I've always described it as a wall or a bubble - it's all inside, very little of it actually gets out.
As a result I've found it so hard to see how non-verbal autistic people are often treated by NT adults. I know how it feels to have an intelligent mind locked away, and for them the issue is an even bigger one as they haven't got any voice at all.
If I could simply write everything, with no face to face interaction, I know that people would have a very different opinion of my intelligence level. In reality, most people that get to know me without knowing my age are very surprised when they find out how old I am because I don't seem anywhere near as capable, communicative or able as they expect a woman of my age to be.
Blade said:
Right there with you, Blade. Although I have my IQ and my degree, and can manage independently, I likewise can't join in on many 'adult' conversations. I find it difficult to converse with my work colleagues - but I have the autistic service users I work with to 'converse' with, on their own terms. Their world is my world, too. I also know how it feels to have a mind locked away, and ignored. Yet I have the power of speech and an extensive vocabulary. As you have.
Keep writing, I'd say. If that's your medium, use it.