When everything gets too much

Hi everyone

I dont really know why im writing this. I guess another perspective maybe. My son is 10 and recently diagnosed with aspergers. He has not been in school since sept. He has an older brother who has anxiety issues due to school transition (long story) and a younger brother. Since august really he just "broke...stopped working" apparantly hes been masking all these years. To cut all this shorter i now cant leave him unless my mum is here...even with his dad. I cant go shopping go out anything. He takes melatonin for bed but i still have to stay up with him then read him to sleep. I have no life ...i feel like everything has crashed. My husband and i get no time with each other at all. We are broke paying for private consultations etc. Maybe im just being over dramatic but i just dont feel like i can deal with all this anymore. The thought of just running away keeps poppin in my head. I want to just disappear. I no its daft...and i would never do anything to upset my boys but im so stressed out that i feel iv completly lost control. With the aspergers and pda its so hard to get him to do things and id just love a normal life. The things people take for granted like having the kids in bed so u can watch a movie together. Poppin out to the shops without a meltdown about how long you will be. Meeting up with friends for a night without having to arrange what time u can go...who will be at home that son agrees to...dictating a time to be home...checking your fone every 5 mins to make sure alls ok...im sorry if this sounds selfish. Since this all started iv lost myself. I was a good mum i had control i had a life. My sons where all happy content and outgoing. But we have hit this brick wall and im so confused. Will everything get better? Will he be happy again ? I guess being at the start of all this process im in the dark. Thanks for reading x