Published on 12, July, 2020
Thought things were gettng better when he started on medication but its just as bad as before now.
!4 years old behaviour is just appaling. It affects everyone in the family. His 4 year old sister. His mum has fibromyalgia which is getting worse.
He uses every trick in the book to get what he wants now. He lies constantly, hes manipulative. Whatever you tell him he just does what he wants anyway. Hes also started using his illness OCD as an excuse not to do things. He also deveopled strange new things like spraying anti-bac spray onto his bits after using the toilet (which is not good).
Also, apparently its all our fault as parents because we made him like this by stressing him out all the time.
Constant letters from school now about homework etc.
Hes done none of the homework given to him by counsellor. Basically, makes zero effort to help himself. Seems happy to just go along as he is, shout at everyone and get his own way. Counsellor has pretty much said to us that she can do no more him until he decides to help himself.
We're been trying to treat him fairly but still sticking to basic house rules. Nothing too difficult. Just put things back, consideration for others (inc dont use all the hot water every day in the shower for an hour!), no shouting and screaming, homework gets done. Thats it. Nowhere near at the moment.
Are we taking the right approach? I guess we should still have rules in the house.
Things we have problem with at the moment:-
1. Homework. "Forgets" to do. Lies that he didnt have homework.
2. Hot water. Uses it all 45-60 min showers. Tried to make rule 10 min max - never sticks to it. What do we do physically supervise a 14 year old?
3. Leaving toilet in a mess. Has so far ruined one floor, one toilet by hosing with water/anti-bac spray. Constantly leaves EVERY surface with spray on. Wont stop doing it.
4. Has sprayed on himself in past and given himself chemical burns. Still sprays on himself if we dont lock it away.
5. Uses 100ml a day of anti-bac hand gel. Shouts and screams like a drug addict if he doesnt get his fix. We've had to put lock on outside of bedroom door to stop him going in there and searching through drawers etc.
6. Gets given homeworks sheets by counsellor. Has yet to do one.
7. Loses his temper and shouts and screams at everyone inc his 4 yr old sister, his mother and me (says he wishes he didnt live with us.) He know he makes his mothers fibromyalgia worse but hes says its not his problem
Hi there, o.k., I don't have a child and didn't really do any of those things except for 7., but then my mum had no condition I could be blamed for. The attitude towards other "crimes" I did commit was similar though. I can see that this is all very annoying, but in your list there are quite a few things he will genuinely struggle with, while you seem to see them as his naughty choices. 3., 4, and 5. are probably in that category, and related to this quite possibly also 2. He really has an issue with this, he wouldn't have been diagnosed with OCD otherwise. It presumably gives him a great deal of anxiety, if you can understand that or not, and he's trying to relieve it somehow, not with very healthy methods, but he's trying to cope. This is probably something where the counsellor would be someone to help but he does 6. Maybe he can't see how it's going to help him or maybe they don't get on or whatever she tries just doesn't work for him, or maybe, being 14, it's not something he is comfortable with discussing this with others and spending time thinking about it even more then.
Do you know why he does 1.? He may not tell you if you ask, but maybe he does. It could just be quite a typical puberty thing (it may even be seen as "cool" and he's trying to fit in), or he may not quite know where to start, so not doing it is the easiest, or he is too stressed to focus after the day at school, or needs more time for what he's really interested in, or... Perhaps if you find out why he isn't doing them it's a bit easier to find a way around it.
7. is pretty harsh, I think. Losing temper and shouting/screaming isn't great of course but 2. - 5. may be reasons for this, among other things puberty comes with, and when it all gets too much then that's how he reacts, probably not a choice to be naughty though (although at times there may be a bit of that too, puberty is that time of life, I guess). But to make him responsible for his mum's condition getting worse seems not quite just. There will be lots of factors that cause her stress, this one will play a role but not sure if it really is that simple. He could also say you are making his condition worse, that would be just as true really. Or why does his mum not see a counsellor (or maybe she does) and simply make this not affect her? I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I think as long as you have so little understanding for 2. - 5. you do really cause him a lot of stress which will not help the situation.
Sorry, no advice there really, I just found the way you speak about him quite sad, it doesn't sound like an attitude that makes it likely that things improve. You seem to give him and his attitude all the blame for this, but I think you are no less guilty.
oktanol - now you've fallen into the stereotypical trap. Poor kid his parents don't understand and they're blaming his illness on him and not helping him. If you knew how many times I'd heard this *******.
We're well aware thank you of his condition and well aware of how things affect him. Yes its difficult for him we know that.
I'm sorry but some of your suggestions are just not going to fly. Its the real world - he has a little sister, he has school, we have work, his mother happens to have an illness. Although its not his fault he knows damn well what the affect is.
1. Homework - sorry got to be done. Might not feel like but thats the way the world works. At what point to you pin a 14 year old to the chair?
2-5. We've tried to speak to him calmly and sort thing out amicably with him. He refuses to do so. Do you suggest we now "live with it"? Life goes on for everyone else.
6. Given up on this one. Consellor tells us he still doesn't do. Same with homework.
I might sound harsh but you don't know the half of it. We've tried it all. In theory, yes, all your ideas are right bt as you said you dont have a child. Its all different in the real world where the world keeps spinning.
Of course, we're not experts which is why I came on here for advice on how to stop these things. And how we should deal with.
[ Edited by moderator]