Published on 12, July, 2020
Ok so over the 4 years I've been in my full time job, I always have times where I really love it and don't want to leave then there are times where I really want to leave. Because I have difficulty knowing what I really feel it makes it even more difficult. Should I just look for what jobs that are suitable for me, probably admin assistant job, the same job what I'm currently doing but I might prefer it if it's in a different environment and with different people because of what's happening lately. The problem is it maybe the way I think but really may not but may not be able to help it etc. My mind is really muddled. I have had CBT and unfortunately it didn't help that much still. I'm also having support with work issues at the moment.
So the first thing is I really don't like my line manager with the jokes he makes, he used to make them less frequently but now it's got even worse he's making them all the time at work. I think it's more teasing me as well which I really do not like at all. I think he doesn't realize some of the jokes that he says I find offensive and also probably because the way I (and I'm sure many other aspies) think, I take it too literally and it really tires me out when I pretend it's funny by laughing because I don't want to be rude and because of my high level of anxiety. One example of the teasing he does that I really do not like is when he looks out the window then I look out the window and he sort of shouts at me in a nice/tease sort of way asking why are you looking out the window, you haven't got time to do that. That really annoys me.
He also is so big headed, over confident and another thing I really hate is he's so nosy on my personal life, asking what I'm up to what I like doing but I've learnt to keep as much stuff I do private from him now because whatever I say, he googles it, tries to copy me and makes his own opinion on it and then thinks he knows way more than me about my hobbies what I do. I just can't help to think through all this positively or differently I don't even know what is effecting what now, It maybe to do with the way I think but it's so difficult with mental health issues to cope? I feel like I am going to burst out in anger to him and the other person I do not like there at all! And I really don't want that because it's effect my anxiety even more and it will be rude and maybe childish, and it could effect my job etc I feel like I'm a slave there, just turning up to do my job for the money. It sucks.. I don't fit in there, I'm unable to relate to anyone, didn't make any friends there at all and I've been there for 4 years. I am getting sort of a promotion, having a assistant to assist me soon, but they wouldn't of done that if it wasn't for the company situation, long story.. Nothing at all mentioned about a pay rise, just me changing my role a bit so I guess my pay will remain the same as it has always been .. crap.
I love the job what I'm doing but the problem is the socializing and being with people all the time in the same room really tires me out! I know it is very difficult to get a full time job for people with autism well according to the research anyway so I don't know whether I should take a risk and find a different place? I'm really worried about learning all the new procedures there and getting used to them, whether or not my job performance will be good enough there and what if they fire me etc, so many negative thoughts race through my mind .I have a full time job at the moment and because it is 5 days work a week, it does tire me out if I don't have a full day or 2 days alone by myself just doing my hobbies all day completely at silence in my room and that's the only thing that makes me feel better and even survive going to work on a Monday again and survive the whole week. If only I can change to part time but then again there's money problems, I really want to keep saving for the future, I'm really worried about my future because I just find everything in life so confusing. If it's not following by a rule/routine it it's a grey area etc I just struggle. I really don't know what to do and would appreciate advice. If I do find a new job, would they not be able to get rid of me that easily if my performance isn't too good ot if I struggle? I really do work as hard as I can as long as there's a routine to it, and it's not a grey area, all jobs must be done exactly the same way, I just need a lot more time to take in and learn the tasks first. I am qualified as an Admin assistant now so hopefully I can find something.
I have got support now from Shaw Trust and Voice ability, I haven't told them any of this yet because I feel embarrassed and would they just find it strange? Should I tell them this? Would there be any benefits I could claim for income if I do end up finding just a part time job to make my mental health feel a lot better? Even in a video game store part time, I think I'll be much happier. I don't know if that's the right choice but I feel like my life is a mess now. I won't feel like I'll progress anywhere and won't feel like I'll be really high up in a job because of my aspergers and the amount of confusion I get everyday.
Palbus, I couldn't agree more. Having a good manager is a godsend. I am fortunate enough to have a good line manager at the moment and it makes all the difference. It hasn't always been the case though, good managers are few and far between. It should be in the company's interest to help a line manager progress, it's a two way thing, good managers make good staff and good staff can make a good manager.
with regard to Neutral, it is best, as you say, to do what is asked of you. Don't give anybody any reason to take a dim view of you. As Palbus says, at the end of the day, the job is a means to an end, by all means enjoy your work (it helps) and do your best, but think of the paycheque as a way to live your life the way you want to in your own time.
I was a man manager at work and I have been retired now for 5 years BUT the basics of manmagement never changes so I reckon my opinions still hold good. If I have understood correctly what your situation is then your line manager is very poor at being one. Plus, if you will forgive me for saying this, you need to make a plan of how you are to deal with him / her so that your daily work life improves. I will start with you first. 1) don’t give the manager any amunition to fire at you. So concentrate on your duties, no private stuff at all in the firms time. 2) make sure your time keeping is spot on. 3) avoid getting ‘sucked in’ to debates and arguments at work 4) your thoughts are your own, think them never share them 5) Try not to waste any time. ALL this sounds basic easy stuff... it isn’t, it might take you 3 months or so to get these things right. Now him / her. If he is a good man manager then he should a) have no favourites at all, every staff member should be treated the same b) anything shared with him should be strictly confidential c) he may have been given authority by his boss, but he has to become the leader by mutual consent of everyone that works with him, and that includes staff members he don’t like d) if he wants to tell someone off then fine BUT NOT in front of everyone else, these are private matters and should be conducted away from the work place e) he needs to reward people who do well and make success pay.
though I say it myself I was a bloody good manager and your one [by your account of him] is sadly lacking.
Get your own act together first and then help him get himself improved at man management.
Don’t ever lose your temper with him. Buy a diary and write down exactly what upset you in it. One this will make you feel better and two you have recorded evidence of how bad a manager he is. Build a documented case. If nothing improves seek help from HR.
As far as social interaction is concered keep it outside work hours. Meet the other guys for a drink in the local. Go out with them lunchtime for chips or subway, go to a football match with them, it is hard to make friends at work because work is just work. No one should live for work but chips beer and football... yeah right!!
before I was a great manager I was a very poor one. It takes years to get good at management. Have some sympathy with the manager, if he has not had that title very long then chances are you are very much better at your job than he is at his.
my final advice. Try to sort the problem out where you are. If you change jobs the problems wherever you go will be similar if not the same. Only change jobs for more money / better benefits / ease of getting there / Enthusiasm and interest in a new field of work. Leaving a job because of problems is an illusion, better to stay and sort every time.
Hi NAS24875
Thank you very much for your advice. I have been starting to keep my work life and personal life private now as well because of all this stress/anxiety that I'm going through. I'll try not to worry to much I think it's just so difficult because of how aspies mind works I guess but as long as I'm able to have time all to myself I'm fine for a while. I am trying to look at help to getting work adjustments that are suitable for me as well. Hopefully it'll all work out. The problem is the amount of anxiety I get from asking about work adjustments so I kind of leave it as I'm not brave enough to ask but with the right support which I'll be getting from Shaw Trust then I'll be able to find out what work adjustments I'm entitled to.
It really sucks because there are periods where I really feel I hate the place I'm at and periods where I like it and don't mind it at all. I think probably the most difficult part would be if I got a new job, the amount of change there is involved and also settling in the new environment. I just don't mix with anyone and just know I never fit in so I gave up trying. I know the feeling you're having too, I do that as well just discuss purely business related, I only talk to people if I have a work question as well.
I have been diagnosed with aspergers about 5 years ago which is a good thing to help me with my struggles as well.
I'll try mindfulness and see if that helps me, hopefully it should.
Hope you take care of yourself as well and all the best
Neutral, Reading your story was a bit like looking back over my life. I have had well over 30 jobs in my 39 years of employment, and so many times I have got to the point where I can't cope any longer and have quit to go to another job. One thing I will say is that even though the job changes you are still going to come up with the same issues with colleagues etc.
You have done really well to be in the same job for 4years, trust me I know how hard that is. Like you, the current job I have (5 years, my longest ever) presents me with challenges. Good days, bad days, times I feel settled mixed in with times I just want to stop. One thing that has really helped me though has been getting a diagnosis for Aspergers, although rather late in life, it has helped to hold onto this job.
I don't know if you have had a diagnosis, it can take a couple of years, depending on where you live. One of the main benefits is that you would be covered by the Equalities Act and you could possibly work out a plan to help you with your HR department for reasonable adjustments in the workplace, possibly if you have sensory issues with light or sound then something could be worked out. Maybe educating some colleagues could be useful but I would be careful how you go about this one, it may give ammunition to those who may want to use it against you.
you mention your line manager, he/she sounds like a right tool! Personally I wouldn't disclose too much information to them about your personal life, just keep it purely business. You also mention about not having any friends at work or socialising, well, I'm in the same situation there, I don't mix with others at work and don't really discuss things with others unless it is work related. I like to keep my home life and work life separate.
with regards to part time work, one of the reasonable adjustments made for me has been to work less hours, I don't work on Wednesdays so it gives me a midweek break, it also means that you only work for two days then get a break. The only thing is that you do take a hit financially, but the way I see it is that I am able to continue working.
another thing that you mention is the help you are getting from the Shaw Trust and Voice Ability, well I would disclose your situation to them. They would be helpful and would want you to stay in employment. With raged to CBT, I found it useless too. One of the things that really helped me is mindfulness, relaxation techniques, getting out into the countryside, if you can, and I would also consider Tia Chi.
personally, I myself would steer clear of shop work, I don't like dealing with the public, I don't like being amiable and smiley (always being told to cheer up!) and I would find the randomness of shopwork too stressful for my logical brain.
anyway, hope some of what I said helps. Try and stick at it, get help if you can, keep boundaries between your work and social life and take care of yourself. There will be good days and bad days, that's life, just try not to worry.