Why bother making friends?

Why bother making friends I say

When i know I'm going to lose them in a day

What's the point, what does it matter

I say, sitting there getting fatter

I don't know what I'm doing wrong

I never seem to keep them for long

I try my best to make them glad

But it always ends up with me feeling sad

You trample on my heart like a wild bear

You just don't seem to care

Why, why I sigh

So in the end I don't even try

I sit there silently, only wanting to talk to myself or less

And give other people a rest

So now you know when you say

Do you want to play?

Why I say nay. 

  • Don’t worry I didn’t think anything of you seeking clarity on the types of friendship. I’ve found the opposite, when I stop trying I disappear and literally nobody notices me. Of course there is a balance between that and trying too hard. So I try to hit that middle ground. Like you I struggle with the ‘join a club’ suggestion because I lack confidence and feel like an outcast when I’m there - so I need to build things up a bit first so I sort of feel I know someone which is why online is easier initially but as I font use social media ... things get that bit harder 

  • back to the making friends topic, sorry if it appeared that I was trying to classify your search for friends in some way, damn this autistic systematising trait !   I was just thinking back about myself, that if i stopped looking for friends I sometimes found one because somehow I'm more likeable when I'm not trying hard.

    Also, I have never been able to follow the advice "join a club" because it's hard to show up if everyone else knows each other and already formed these little cliques.  Also I feel as though I am rubbish at everything I do and therefore I will be  the Most Rubbish One At the Club that everyone laughs at behind their back. Or so I imagine. 

    I once joined a choir, it took me weeks to pluck up courage, and when I went no one spoke to me, not even in the break, so I didn't go back, even though I liked singing. 

  • i can't use the PMs at all.  Really frustrating because it was a bit of a personal goal to have more 1:1 dialogue. I can't see any of the content on a phone and I don't get any notification. 

  • All my notifications are enabled and I don’t get them on here or by email. The private message notification still works so I try to encourage people to use that if they want to chat because at least that way I don’t cone across as rude by ignoring what they’ve put in a forum thread, when the reality is I just missed it due to a lack of notification. Like you I use my phone and it’s a bit temperamental running on my phone, but I get by.  

  • what is it with the notifications eh? I got so worked up that I enabled all notifications in app and in email (which I don't particularly want but saves time searching and waiting each time for page to load) .  I still don't get a single email ! same with personal messages, I have opted to receive mails but never get a single one.   Funny that on the topic of friendships, I have received some PMs and i can't possibly read them on my phone and don't get an email either , so some of them have unfriended me !

  • I think it would have been better to try and include something positive in it like after many failed attempts you finally found a friend

    We are social creatures and need some interaction with others in order to live a fulfilled life. The amount of social interaction for everyone is different, personally I am probably 80% introverted so once a week would be my ideal time to spend with time with others. I also think having people to message online like my friend or cousin regularly helps me too

  • First sorry for my slow reply - my notifications don’t work so it relies on me spotting messages manually. 

    To be honest I don’t like to pre-define things much but mostly just people to talk with. I don’t think beyond that but in theory people I chat with could become friends, or I may feel like in part of a group as a result - but I don’t like to think too long term because it’s only as you connect with someone you start to get an idea of where that individual relationship can go - it may be a person you chat to occasionally, they could turn out to be ‘the one’ or at the other extreme have nothing in common or a personality clash. So I guess I’m an open book on that one. 

  • I know this question isn't meant for me but I'm going to answer it anyway because I'm a rebel Stuck out tongue.

    I really want to have all of those things. A circle of friends whom I could rely on, a best friend who would always be there for me and a potential partner to spend all of my time with and who I could cuddle up in bed with Heart eyes.

    I really wish I knew how to make friends. I have read a lot of scientific literature on this kind of stuff and the only real thing I figured out was the thing with reciprocity. According to Jonathan Haidt (who is a professor of psychology) building friendships really is about those small steps. You do something nice for the person you want to befriend and then you let them do something nice for you in return and then rinse and repeat. When you do that often enough you will eventually build a stable friendship ^^.

  • So I have thought about this poem a lot. I went through all the scientific literature I know,talked to all the doctors I have ever met about this and I can say with authority that this is the greatest thing that was ever created in this universe! Really well done!!! :)

  • If you don't mind me asking, what are you looking for, is it a little group to belong to, a 'best friend' or a potential partner? The reason I ask is that I seem to have a red flashing light on my forehead that says I'm needy and the people I like run a mile.  In the past I had a tendency to attract people who were bad for me, all they wanted was a pet friend to manipulate and control.

  • Life just gets frustrating when I just cannot seem to connect with anyone :-/ I try different approaches but nothing works :-/ 

  • Hi there, yes I get that and I am sure many on this forum will too. There are many people who feel that NTs so called friendship's are a facade. It takes time to feel comfortable with someone else. I would suggest small steps, time limited interactions with others. We live in a world full of NTs so we have to learn how to survive in it, whilst being true to yourself, it takes practice and time but there's no rush. Wishing you well,. you are not alone :)

  • I have a problem with reciprocity. Or the huge fake obligations to reciprocate that exist in the NT world. It feels like a trap and a burden. It's liberating just to be able to say this out loud. 

  • I’m not too dissimilar - plus I’ve a rather abstract view of the world which for many is just too odd. 

  • I think it's me that's a bad friend. I'm a demand avoidant control freak. 

  • I wish it was simpler to make friends though. I’m terrible at it! 

  • Hi Lilysnape,

    'friends' are not people who make you feel like that. Real friends are there for you in your best and worst moments, because they want to be. You are worth more than that. Invest your time and energy on you, and others will find you. When they do, look after them because they are worth it :)

  • Humans let us down, so many times. But the ones who acknowledge us are treasures.

  • I'm glad I saw this old post revived and it wasn't due to a spammer !  amazing.

    So in the end I don't even try

    Exactly.  Friendships could be simple transactions but in the NT world they are complex riddles and mind games. I don't try any more either.