Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello there,
I really just need to vent this out and anyone have any feedback or input would be fantastic
So,
Im currently 18 and I came out as a trans guy 2 years ago and I found out that I might be autistic last year but went into denial... and only in the last few weeks have I come to realise that my whole entire life makes sense and that I am indeed so. I am making steps to get diagnosed. As with the fixation on Autism reseach (leant its why I become so fixated on topics!) I became fixated on the topic of being trans 2 years ago... like really focused. It began when I was looking to work out my sexuality because I hadn’t had any interest in relationships and all that. I leart that I am asexual which lead to leaning of gender. Now, I had always felt different and like there was “something” and to be truthful befor this discovery I hadn’t given gender or mine much thought at all. I became fixated and did hours upon hours of research which lead to a question “Am I transgender?”. I asked myself this many times and went up and down through confusion, denial and just well feelings. I eventually said I was and then proceeded to go through being male then to non binary identities and so on until... I realised/decided (Who knows) that I was indeed a trans guy. I thought this was the something, the answer. So through the following months I went through yet more confusion and changed until I decided to come out. So thats the back story if you like...
I used to see CAMHS services and it was there my counsellor first put to me “Have you considered that youre autistic?” Which as above mentioned sent me into a fixation. It was me. So Im working on accecpting that and this leads to my question/thing.
After I re thought about all of this recently I couldn’t help asking myself “Am I not trans and the something is being autistic?” And “did I just hyperfixte myself into that?”
Now im left wondering how gender and being autistic goes and what does this mean? I prefer being seen as male in ways and he/him etc but just I dont honestly feel like I really have a connection to gender. Just makes me question ya know?
I am seeing the GIC and its making me question transition? Just argh.
Anyone else had some experiences with gender?
Im so confused with all this and stuff.
Thank you in advance
So it sounds like you're exploring both autism and gender at the same time? From the people I've met, there are definitely more trans people in the autistic community (that's backed up by what little research there is), and also more people who are asexual (in the sense of not experiencing sexual attraction), or genderqueer/non-binary (not identifying as either masculine or feminine), or just don't fully conform to their nominal gender (like Ladyhawke). But it's not the case that most trans people are autistic.
I have a friend who explored both at the same time, through both a local trans group exploring gender, and separately though autism groups and getting an autism diagnosis, at the same time as getting on with the rest of their (eir) life. Both were helpful. In case you've not tried anything similar, there are some unreliable online tests that might help you decide whether it's worth going for an autism diagnosis: AQ and such like here and RDOS here.
I agree with what Song said: "be the you that you are most comfortable with and if that changes over time then change it".