Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm putting out a plea for help because I am in a situation I don't know how to deal with. My gran, who is frail and is in the early stages of dementia, lives in sheltered housing a few miles away from me. I visit whenever I can, she has carers coming in 3 times a day, a private carer to take her out shopping once or twice a week, and some of her neighbours also help a little. But one of the neighbours seems like she's trying to take over.
She does thing without asking, and even against my gran's wishes, for example putting her heating up higher when my gran is warm enough already and has told her so. She or her husband call round in the evening and try to get my gran to go to bed even when she isn't ready. It's only little things, but it's pushy and annoying. But recently, I've found out that she's been reporting my gran to social services and safeguarding. My gran has been checked and assessed by social services several times now, and found well. I've been investigated for "possible financial misconduct" as well, after an anonymous call was made, I can't prove it was her though. (There wasn't any follow up after the first meeting, because I was able to prove I hadn't done anything wrong.) It's getting well beyond a joke.
Talking to her hasn't helped, because she is "only trying to help", and even the warden at the housing sees it that way. My dad, who is also tired of it all, has suggested I give up and let the neighbour take over, but I don't feel able to do that. I'm stressed out by this, and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it before I implode.
Hello again OrinocoFlo
Working with people with dementia was my area of specialism for many years so I see situations similar to this playing out a lot.
The neighbour is indeed doing her best to help and people like her are the backbone of keeping our elderly people with dementia safe in their own homes. Financial abuse is huge in the area of dementia. Whoever made the call to social services was acting with bravery and courage with the intention of protecting their friend.
The safeguarding team are there for just that, to safeguard the rights, dignity and safety of people who are vulnerable. They are not there to ‘find’ or accuse people of financial abuse, but rather to protect the interests of the individual. I am pleased that they took the referral seriously, it shows that they’re doing their job.
Would it be possible to withhold or suspend your personal thoughts about this neighbour and your thoughts about the quality of support she is providing and make friends with her, genuinely? It is so much better for everybody concerned if people can work together in these situations. You may then be able to help her to see that your grandmother doesn’t want to go to bed so early or that she doesn’t want the hearing turned up. The neighbour is doing her best to help and it would be great if you two could develop a friendship. She would become your eyes and ears when you’re not able to be there. I’m sure the warden would help if you think you might need some support to approach the lady. I don’t know what your communication skills are like but from my experience, wardens are generally very helpful people and would help you if you asked.
Talking to her won’t help, but building a bridge, putting the first step down, to begin to develop a relationship with her, will help. Let her know how (genuinely) grateful to her you are for the friendship and support she shows your gran. People like to be acknowledged for their efforts and they don’t like to be spoken to. People respond warmly when you extend genuine warmth and friendship to them.
She sounds like a lovely lady and a good caring friend which shows that her heart is in the right place. Talk from your heart to her heart and you will begin to build a bridge where you can work together to help your gran live happily and safely at home.
If you suspend or deal with seperately, your feelings and put your gran at the centre of your focus, you will see that it will be much more pleasant for everybody if you can develop and nourish a supportive relationship with this neighbour.
Watching a loved one, or in my current case, watching a dear friend with dementia, is extremely emotional and it is so much better if we have people we can share this experience with. I’m out of the picture now with my friends care but I was so grateful I had friends who would listen to me when I spoke about my friend. It will never be an ‘easy’ situation and it is often heartbreaking, so the more support we can build up around us the better. If your gran doesn’t want this neighbour to call round anymore you can manage to arrange that without falling out with the neighbour, you can get help with this as well if needs be. The warden has a duty of care towards your gran and if it is yours grans wish that the neighbour doesn’t visit, she will intervene. The neighbour will be experiencing the emotions of it all as well. It’s a difficult and emotional time for all concerned.
I hope you two can work it out, if only for your grans sake. Good luck, how ever you decide to handle it. My heart goes out to you, it’s not easy to watch the person we love slowly disappear before our eyes, please take good care of you as well, caring for someone with dementia takes it’s toll on all of us, please take good care of you and recognise the level of support you’re providing and know that that alone will have an emotional impact on you which in itself demands your care and attention. Best wishes X
HI. BlueRay,
I've always been polite to the neighbour, and told her when I genuinely appreciate something she's done, but it's difficult to tread the fine line between that and telling her to back off when she's being pushy, she seems to get offended easily. I know that she could be a big help, but don't like the feeling that she's making decisions without consulting anyone else. There's room for much better communication on both sides. She doesn't seem that bothered about talking to me, actually, but thanks for your advice. I'll keep talking to her anyway, I just hope it does more good than harm.
I wasn't worried about the investigations by social services in themselves, because I knew nothing was wrong for them to find. But it was stressful all the same. I wasn't happy about the implication that my gran's care is inadequate. Although there may come a point at which she needs 24 hour care, as her dementia progresses. It hasn't come to that yet, though, and she's adamant that she doesn't want to go into a care home. The warden did warn me that, beyond a certain point, the decision whether or not that's necessary is no longer up to her family.
Hi OrinocoFlo
Yes, the investigations are stressful and not very nice, not ever, they are hurtful and they add extra emotional stress to an already emotional time but it is very reassuring that the safeguarding team are doing their job.
When a person is deemed to lack capacity to make decisions about their care, the warden is right in one sense, the family don’t have a legal right to make the decisions on behalf of their relative any more. However, the law states that a best interest meeting must be arranged under such circumstances, before any decisions are made, and the family’s input must be taken into consideration. The best interest meeting is just that, to decide what is the best course of action to take for the individual. The warden ought not to have warned you like that, the law is there to protect your gran, not exclude family members and a good meeting will always take into consideration the input from family members and it has to be documented.
If you have genuine concerns about this neighbour, it might be wise to contact your grans social worker and have a quiet word with her/him. There are always ways around these situations and we come across this type of situation, a lot. I have always found a way around such situations and remember, you are always entitled to free advocacy support as well as support from IMCA’s (independent mental capacity assessors) although admittedly, the IMCA’s will generally only get involved when there are no family members. But you always have options, don’t let anybody tell you you don’t.
Truly, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been supporting my neighbour who has dementia and it’s not easy. Do come back on here if you have any other questions or feel free to contact me via private message. I have over 15 years of experience as a social worker working with older people/mental health so I don’t think there’s a situation that I haven’t encountered. Best wishes.