Difficult relationship...

Hi all, just looking for a bit of advice. I have a 13 year old son who has been diagnosed with ASD, on the high end of scale. He has a serious problem with anxiety and finding life at school difficult, it’s a long day when you are trying to mask your fears/anxieties. He comes home exhausted! Anyway his problems don’t end there, when he gets home he has to deal with another issue, his Dad - His Dad is at the moment in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. The relationship has got so bad He can’t stand being in the same room as his Dad. I told me his Dad makes him feel very anxious. I’ve tried to encourage my son to talk to his Dad but he says ‘there is no point as he won’t listen...’ I feel stuck in the middle. I can totally understand how my son feels as my husband has never really had much to do with him, only to reprimand or instruct. If they are in close proximity with each other it’s not long before my husband is barking out instructions of what my son should or shouldn’t be doing. It’s awful watching this relationship getting further and further apart as my son becomes more aware of the relationship other fathers have with their children. Should I say something to my husband? 

Parents
  • Hi SMM

    I have personal experience of this, so I’ll share a little of my experience with you.

    I grew up never being alone in the same room as my dad, ever. I think I was 16, after I’d been left home a while, that I was in a room with him for the first time by myself.

    I love my dad and honestly, he has done so much for me, as a child and an adult. He still supports me. None of us knew at the time that I was autistic but I was most definitely not like the other kids.

    Like all my autism traits, the anxiety that I felt when around my dad was somehow simply accepted. My family was never really big into talking about things like that, it was simply accepted.

    I’m so grateful I was never pushed in to being in the same room as him or being pushed to talk to him because over the years our relationship has grown into one of mutual love and respect. I still can’t tell him I love him or allow and physical contact between us, but that’s the same with my Mum and most other people anyway, that’s just me. But I think we both know how much we love and respect each other.

    I’m also aware that Tony Attwood had a difficult relationship with his son who grew up with undiagnosed autism. They enjoy a very loving and supportive and friendly relationship now. I wouldn’t describe my relationship with my dad like that but a lot of that is because of how I communicate with people.

    My suggestion would be to maybe develop a system where they don’t have to have too much interaction. They’re both going through big changes. And I would then suggest, for you to look after you. These things have a way of working themselves out if we allow them. Some relationships take longer to develop and today, I couldn’t love my dad any more if I tried.

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