Difficult relationship...

Hi all, just looking for a bit of advice. I have a 13 year old son who has been diagnosed with ASD, on the high end of scale. He has a serious problem with anxiety and finding life at school difficult, it’s a long day when you are trying to mask your fears/anxieties. He comes home exhausted! Anyway his problems don’t end there, when he gets home he has to deal with another issue, his Dad - His Dad is at the moment in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. The relationship has got so bad He can’t stand being in the same room as his Dad. I told me his Dad makes him feel very anxious. I’ve tried to encourage my son to talk to his Dad but he says ‘there is no point as he won’t listen...’ I feel stuck in the middle. I can totally understand how my son feels as my husband has never really had much to do with him, only to reprimand or instruct. If they are in close proximity with each other it’s not long before my husband is barking out instructions of what my son should or shouldn’t be doing. It’s awful watching this relationship getting further and further apart as my son becomes more aware of the relationship other fathers have with their children. Should I say something to my husband? 

Parents
  • Hi SMM,

    I really feel for you. It must be painful to feel ‘stuck in the middle’ in this way.

    As a mum, I kind of think it is part of our role to enable our children’s voices to be heard and to support them, and encourage them, to understand that their point of view is valid and important and that they have a say in their own lives and in their relationships with others, especially how they want to be treated by other people.

    In this respect, I think, if I were in your position, I would talk to dad. And in doing so I would try to put your sons’ feelings and needs across to him in a way which does not feel threatening or blaming, but is emphasised, none the less, that your sons’ views, needs and opinions, are just as important and valid as your husbands.  

    With so much going on right now, with your sons’ diagnosis and your husbands pending one, it would be totally understandable if tensions and fears were running high all round right now.

    And I think it can be very common too, when kids become teenagers, for relationships to become strained as the ‘way forward’ becomes more complex now they are no longer simply (largely) ‘abiding children,’ but instead they are developing their own differences and distinct (sometimes clashing) personalities.  

    Do you think, if you were to talk to him, that your husband would be open to listening to you and changing and/or acknowledging your sons’ needs and opinions as different to his own? How do you imagine he might react if you did sit down and talk this through with him?

Reply
  • Hi SMM,

    I really feel for you. It must be painful to feel ‘stuck in the middle’ in this way.

    As a mum, I kind of think it is part of our role to enable our children’s voices to be heard and to support them, and encourage them, to understand that their point of view is valid and important and that they have a say in their own lives and in their relationships with others, especially how they want to be treated by other people.

    In this respect, I think, if I were in your position, I would talk to dad. And in doing so I would try to put your sons’ feelings and needs across to him in a way which does not feel threatening or blaming, but is emphasised, none the less, that your sons’ views, needs and opinions, are just as important and valid as your husbands.  

    With so much going on right now, with your sons’ diagnosis and your husbands pending one, it would be totally understandable if tensions and fears were running high all round right now.

    And I think it can be very common too, when kids become teenagers, for relationships to become strained as the ‘way forward’ becomes more complex now they are no longer simply (largely) ‘abiding children,’ but instead they are developing their own differences and distinct (sometimes clashing) personalities.  

    Do you think, if you were to talk to him, that your husband would be open to listening to you and changing and/or acknowledging your sons’ needs and opinions as different to his own? How do you imagine he might react if you did sit down and talk this through with him?

Children
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