I hate funerals

pmsl that’s exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking as well, we loved her when she was alive and that’s how we knew her but who the hell is this they’re taking about?!?!? Bizarre! 

Exactly!! I've been sat there in church thinking "Who the hell are they talking about, I thought we were burying nasty Bill?" (names may be changed to protect identities) 

OMG that’s so funny ~ the first part of what you said. I went to a funeral recently and the guy up front was saying all this stuff about the person. I was seriously confused and couldn’t keep still, I was looking around for my son or someone that I knew, we had got split up, and I was getting to the point of standing up and saying excuse me, you can you just stop talking for a minute and tell me if I’m in the right place. I was horrified that all these people weren’t mentioning any of the stuff that that guy mentioned, that weren’t true. My son told me to calm down that this is what it’s like sometimes and he warned me not to mention it to anybody, he said people get upset. But I thought what was the point. I didn’t feel it honoured the person at all and god knows what the family got out of it but they seemed pleased. I want to avoid these people now, even though they’re my friends because I feel like their whole life is fake. 

The neighbours funeral sounds lovely though. I haven’t been to one like that but I have been to some really lovely ones and some normal family ones but that last one was an eye opener. It freaked me out a bit. 

I’ve always said that about mine. Simple, personal and honest and no big parades. 

I've probably been to about ten funerals and only one that was a relative. The others were because we live in a tiny community and when someone dies it's customary for everyone to attend the funeral. I never felt any of the funerals had anything to do with the person who died.

Some of the people were lovely and some were NOT, but at every single one the minister said what an amazing person the deceased was. It all just feels so fake and ridiculous to me and the only reason I went was to show support to the family.

I have preferred the ones that just involved the graveside procession as the church part seems even more irrelevant if the person being buried wasn't religious. Out of ten funerals, eight involved a church service prior to the graveside procession and only four of those people were christian. 

The nicest funeral I ever attended was a neighbours husband and neither of them were / are religious in any way so she kept him at home the night before (just the two of them, as it was when he was alive) and the next day it was just all of the community gathering at the graveside procession. There was no religious leader of any kind and the wife spoke about her husband before reading out a short note he'd written before he died to thank everyone for supporting his wife through this difficult time. It was truly beautiful and heartfelt and I think everyone felt we were sharing a deeply personal moment with our neighbour. That's what i'd like mine to be like, personal and honest.       

That sounds like a good option :-) 

I usually turn up a few days after funerals, when there's no evangelist clergies around.

Yeah, I’m not into gossip either, and I’ve finally learned how to deal with it ~ by ignoring it. My son tried to teach me this for years but I just couldn’t do it, I had to get involved in sticking up for the gossiped about person but now I ignore it and it’s much better because as far as I’m concerned, it no longer exists, not in my world anyway and people never come to me to gossip so it’s not like I have to ignore someone to their face. All the funerals I’ve been to have been a good experience. I’ve enjoyed sharing stories etc and just being there to honour the person and they’ve all been enjoyable, much better (for me) than weddings. Now there’s an occasion I’m not really into, I’m not big on weddings. 

I’m glad you went, and yeah, they probably went for the same reason. I’m not sure how many I’ve been to, I’ll do a quick count, probably around 20, or round abouts, maybe a few more, I’m not sure, that’s all the ones I can think of right now and a couple added on for the ones I can’t recall at this minute. 

I've been counting.  I have only been to 8 funerals in my life.  I went because I was invited. Knew the person And had the time.

The only funeral I've been to when I didn't feel 'bad' was an ex neighbor who I haven't seen for 40 years.  I went with my sister who had kept in touch with that family.  And people at the reception had good experiences to share about her.

What I dislike is small petty and unpleasant gossip.

I’m sorry, I had to giggle at that. Maybe the people who  you wondered why they bothered going might wonder why you bothered given that you hated it so much! Lol! Funerals, like people, can be funny some times. I’m happy people went to his funeral though, that makes me happy and I never even met the guy, but nutter or not, I like him. I’m glad you were a there to give him a little send off. 

I don’t hate funerals per se, I just don’t particularly like large gatherings but even that’s not true, because I’ve been to some really large gatherings and loved them and I’ve also been to some funerals and loved them, the ones they have in Bali are the best I’ve seen so far but the ones in India are interesting too when they set the bodies on fire on a raft on the river.

I like funerals for the way they bring people together that haven’t seen each other for years and I prefer them to weddings. At weddings people are often all about the outfits and food etc whereas at funerals people are less bothered about those things and are happy to simply reconnect with people they haven’t seen for years, share stories about the loved one that’s passed and generally just enjoy the bringing together of friends and family to honour the dead persons life and give thanks for what they brought into our life. I feel like it’s an opportunity to say a special thank you to the person who died for being in your life and to just spend some time thinking about them and reliving and enjoying the memories and it brings me comfort to see others there who are also showing their love, gratitude and respect for the person. It’s not the only way to say goodbye and thank you, some of us find different ways but I do kind of like the way a funeral brings everyone together to share memories and stories together and to support (if they want it) the people who were maybe the husband or wife of child or whoever. It’s a nice feeling to know we all made the effort to honour the persons life but of course that doesn’t make a person heartless if they don’t feel comfortable doing it that way.

More details about what I dislike.

I think it's the social side I don't get.  Like when the gossiping in church.  When one of my unusual neighbors passed away.  Other neighbors at the funeral calling him a nutter and saying we never even knew his name.  They just saw him power walking ten times a day.  I kept thinking if that's how they feel, why did they bother even coming to the funeral?

Then the formal reception after the funeral and less formal pub get together.  I hate both.

Now that sounds rather beautiful to me. Just the two of you, saying your farewells .... And at the end of the day, you know you did right by the person you loved the most in this world, both before and after her death. That's all that matters. 

The best part of my mum's funeral - if you can refer to a 'best part' - was the night before.  I arranged (against my brother's wishes) for mum to be returned to her home that night, so that her neighbours could come in and pay their last respects.  Also, I stayed there with her that night, keeping vigil.  So it was just me, alone, with this most special person in my life.  I even read to her, as I used to as a kid.  By contrast, the next day just felt awkward and embarrassing.  And here were people who hadn't even seen mum or phoned her for years.  It all felt like a stage show - false, put on... and an excuse for people to drink afterwards.  The 'right' people (those I liked, and whom most of the others didn't) came up to me afterwards and acknowledged what I'd done in caring for mum during her last months.  The others didn't even mention it, or even talk to me much - though I tried my hardest to be social, as they 'expected.'

I just don't really understand them. I mean, by that point the person in question has gone. I would rather remember them than remember a bunch of people standing around a box .... yeah, often being two-faced. That has nothing to do with the person who has gone. For me the people who have left this world before me are just "in the next room" and I think of them often, but as they were when they were in this room with me.

Never liked them, and I've been to a few now - including my father's and, last year, my mother's.  Exactly as you say.  I've written about it in my book.  Here's the short excerpt, if you don't mind...

'It was a sombre journey.  Stilted chit-chat again.  I told Phyllis about the previous evening and how special it was.  There was no acknowledgement from anyone else.  We spoke about the day and the weather.  We kept it all civil and polite.  But I sensed a tension, nonetheless.  When we reached the Crematorium, I got out and went to say my hellos to people.  Sue had managed to get Barbara there [mum's closest neighbours], which I was hugely pleased about.  They were on their own near the entrance - Barbara in her wheelchair now.   Lynn's mother and her partner were there, neither of whom I'd seen for years.  Nicole and the girls, plus husband Warren.  Lynn's sister and her partner, both of whom I'd always liked - though I understood they had fallen out with her family over something.  Uncle Derek and cousin Lorna.  Joanne and Jack, her husband - who, again, I got on with, though Lynn and Russell both didn't.  Russell's son, Carl, and his wife.  Old faces.  And like all funerals, it felt a little awkward.  Weddings and funerals.  Times that people came together - in some cases, perhaps, because they felt they needed to rather than because they wanted to.  I picked up on a few people who were studiously avoiding others - some shifting feet, awkward gestures, averted eyes.  I was glad that I wasn't really a part of any of them - in a social sense, anyway.  I alone felt like I was there alone.  And mum was there.  She was who I'd really come for.  She was the reason.  Joanne came straight up to me and gave me a hug, which I knew Lynn and Russell wouldn't like.  I didn't care about that.'

I hate funerals too. I only went to my grandma's and have declined every other invite, including to my grandads in Jan.

I find it incredibly creepy that tradition dictates that we follow a rotting corpse being driven around the streets to the funeral location. The rotting corpse is then placed in a room whilst everyone gathers around it for the ceremony. At my grandma's all I could think about was her rotting flesh. I don't do large gatherings so missed the wake and went to a spinning class instead. Luckily my family take you as you are and don't care if you follow tradition just because most of society does.