What’s normal?

What’s normal?

Again, this is a looooooooong post. It is me just processing my thoughts, in the only way I can, by writing them down. So it might seem a bit jumbled, and it might mean nothing to you but I thought I’d share it here anyway because we never know when what we say/think might be of some help to somebody else. It was also written a few days ago, I wanted to add in a bible reference and of course, getting that can take a while when you’re in burnout!

I had a conversation with my support worker the other day and she suggested I stop using the word ‘normal’. She said, what’s ‘normal’ anyway?

I said that I feel normal, when I’m at my autism group, surrounded by people like me. The conversation concluded that autistic people are more obsessed with the word ‘normal’ than anybody else.

I’ve pondered this subject a little bit since then. Then today, I was talking about nt’s being passive aggressive and I later realised, that ‘I’ was the one being passive aggressive.

I couldn’t figure out why, to begin with. But like any good detective, I traced my steps back. This line of enquiry lead me back to yesterday, when I had lunch with my sister and her friend. A new vegan cafe opened up in our town so my sister treated me and her friend to lunch there yesterday as her friend has also become vegan. It’s the only vegan place we have here so I was pleased to go. This was the first time I had been out with my sister in years.

However, I realise that this is when I got stirred up, let’s say. This is where the passive aggression started. And it’s all down to this thing about being ‘normal’ or ‘masking’ to ‘fit in’.

So tonight, I looked up the word ‘normal’, in the online dictionary, and this is what it says ~

adjective
1. conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. "it's quite normal for puppies to bolt their food"

Synonyms ~ usual, standard, typical, stock, common, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected, wonted, everyday, regular, routine, day-to-day, daily, established, settled, set, fixed, traditional, quotidian, prevailing - "the new library system will issue books in the normal way"

~ ordinary, average, run-of-the-mill, standard, typical, middle-of-the-road, common, conventional, mainstream, unremarkable, unexceptional, plain, simple, homely, homespun, workaday; garden-variety;

informal bog-standard, vanilla, plain vanilla, a dime a dozen;
informal common or garden;
informal ornery
"to anyone looking at them, they must seem like a perfectly normal couple"

antonyms: unusual, abnormal

~ (of a person) free from physical or mental disorders. "until her accident Louise had been a perfectly normal little girl"

synonyms: sane, in one's right mind, right in the head, of sound mind, in possession of all one's faculties, able to think/reason clearly, lucid, rational, coherent, balanced, well balanced; compos mentis; 
informal all there 
"Mr Lowe was convinced that the man was not normal"

antonyms: insane, irrational

noun
1. the usual, typical, or expected state or condition. "her temperature was above normal”

This was my understanding of normal and I don’t see the term as offensive. It’s just that I’m not ‘normal’ and that’s not offensive either and it also doesn’t mean that I’m ‘ab-normal’, or at least I don’t think it does! Does it? It does mean that I’m not somebody who conforms to the standard, the usual, typical or expected. I’m not, ‘usual’, standard, typical, stock, common, ordinary, customary, conventional, expected or ‘regular’.

I wouldn’t say I was insane or irrational though, although others have certainly said that about me. And I know, from working in the mental health system, that I very much identify with many of the so called ‘insane’ people in the mental hospitals, more so than with my ‘sane’ colleagues. My school wanted me to see a psychiatrist, they said I was mad.

So this line on enquiry started when I realised I was angry, when I realised I was being passive aggressive. I think what I’m most annoyed about or frustrated at, is that it’s going to be a whole lot more difficult than I thought, being me, in this world which I consider insane.

For example. My son’s girlfriend has gone to a lot of trouble to organise a surprise masquerade ball for his 30th birthday. My sister brought this up when we were out having our lunch. I said it’s lovely and all that but that I wouldn’t be going. She said I have to. I haven’t told her yet that I’m not going to her daughter’s wedding either!

I dislike these kinds of things and I’m annoyed that I’m expected to be there. After all, I got an invitation, surely that means I have the option of thanking them kindly but at the same time turning down the invitation? As the Buddha said, if someone comes to your door bearing gifts, you don’t have to accept them. He was at the time, referring to somebody else’s anger, but on this occasion, I’m dealing with my own anger.

I’m angry at the world for being so dogmatic that they insist that we all be like them or we’re insane, bad, mad and downright unacceptable.

I feel like I have a choice. I either be myself and live in my world, rejected by ‘normal’ society, which includes my family. Or I play the game and go against what I want to do and play the part of the normal person, and in doing so, start the ball rolling for killing me slowly, or is that softly! Or, I find the middle way.

Right now, I can’t see a middle way. I’m just like them. It’s my way or the highway. But I’m not rejecting them or judging them, thinking bad about them. Or am I? The world is nought but our mirror.

So if I think they’re judging me, then either I’m judging them or I’m judging me. And off hand, I think I’m judging me. I’m judging me and thinking bad of me because I can’t just go to the parties like a ‘normal’ person. Right now, thinking about it, I feel like I would go to any lengths and to extreme lengths to avoid going to their parties. I’m angry, and I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m soaking up their energies, their thoughts and opinions and confusing them with mine?

My world views (for want of a better word), are founded on the unseen, but always active, universal laws that govern this universe and therefore this society. These laws are spoken about by people like Einstein and many of the other great seers of this world. Including Jesus Christ. Regardless of what your understanding of what or who Jesus was, it all comes out the same in the end. Jesus spoke of the unbreakable universal laws. Not even he could break them. Nobody can. But one may live in ignorance of the laws. That is why he said, forgive them father, for they know not what they do. To sin, simply means to miss the mark, to live in error, to live in ignorance and I’m not prepared to live in ignorance just to please the people around me.

The universal laws keep on working, just the same, whether you live in harmony with them or you live in ignorance of them and they cannot be broken. Just like electricity. You will reap its benefits if you follow the laws of electricity. If you play with electricity, and you don’t follow the laws, you are at risk of getting a shock or even getting electrocuted. The electricity doesn’t care who you are. You could be the ruler of the world but if you mess with electricity, you could still get a shock.

God’s law is the same. It’s not loving, kind or compassionate. It’s exact, scientific and unconditional and although it can’t be seen, it can be measured. It has no favours. It couldn’t care less if you were the best church goer that ever lived or the biggest criminal around, if you respect and acknowledge the law, you will receive the kingdom of heaven, i.e. you will reap the rewards.

Each man will describe the experience of living within the kingdom of heaven differently because each man has his own unique experience of it. But each will know when they are experiencing it, that they are experiencing it. Like love, and beauty, everyone around the world, no matter what language is spoken understands what you mean when you use the terms love and beauty. Yet we will all have a different interpretation of it.

Some will see beauty in a old battered and beaten, leather bound book. Where as some, will see beauty only in a sunset. But all will understand what is meant by beauty. It can be understood, but not explained so easily.

When people think they love this person or that, that they love ‘their’ children, more than somebody else’s, they’re delusional, but they call it ‘normal’.

Jesus said (and I’m quoting Jesus, but I could quote many a great seer), love thy neighbour. That is not an option. That is the law. When you love. When you truly love. You don’t love only this person or that person, you love all of mankind and all of the creatures and animals of the world, and all of the land and seas. That, is love. Most people experience a mere reflection of it and call it true love. At 2.15 pm on one day, she loved her man. By 3 pm the next day, she hated him and demanded a divorce. Where did this true love go? At what time did the love turn to hate. Love isn’t kind. It certainly isn’t gentle, and it doesn’t distinguish but it doesn’t chop and change. It is what it is.

I know most people live by the man made law of their society. And that would be ok, if they simply got on with it. But they don’t. They complain and gripe about it. To each other and to anyone who will listen. Man, they even complain about the weather!!! How f*****g insane is that???! They complain about the rain. Water. The very thing that keeps them alive. It breaks my heart.

I’ve just realised what’s really going on here. I was taking anti depressants. I declined them several times then caved in. I believed ‘them’, or at least considered that they could be right, that there was a possibility that I could be depressed.

But about a week ago, I ran out of the tablets. I did actually phone to order a repeat prescription, a few days after I ran out. But never bothered to pick them up. I didn’t want to leave the house to go to the chemist. Then I got one of the letters that Robert got. Saying I had had a prescription without paying and they couldn’t find any evidence that I was exempt from charges. So I thought, f**k you. You can keep your tablets and your prescription charge, and shove it where the sun don’t shine. I don’t know what I did with their letter after that, but from now on, I’ll take nature’s medicine. I’ll juice myself up and eat fresh fruit and vegetables, nuts and beans and I might not be as ‘agreeable’ to everyone else (docile), without the anti depressants, but I can work on that.

I’m not taking their medication because I’m not depressed. I’m also not passive aggressive anymore. So if I have been, which I have been, I apologise. But I’ve worked it out now.

When I first started to take the medication. I asked around at my support group, if anybody had taken them and what their experience of them was. All of those who had tried them, apart from one guy, said they didn’t feel any different when taking them, and if anything, they somehow felt worse, so they stopped taking them. Yet the people around them, all said they (the person taking them), were much ‘better’ when they were taking them. The one guy who does take them, is probably the calmest and happiest amongst all of us. I really like him. I find him intriguing and highly interesting. He’s a train spotter (amongst other things), he works for a stationary company, unloading goods at their shops (I think). He’s one of the kindest, most genuine people I’ve ever met. I really like him and he’s always calm, happy and there for whoever needs him. He’s an all round great guy.

My friend, recently stopped taking her medication, for similar reasons ~ she didn’t feel any better (hers is more the heavy duty stuff mind). But anyway, since she stopped taking her meds, she’s gone a bit crazy and is back under the close watch of her psychiatrist and she is back on the meds.

So it seems, from all that evidence, that I would be better off continuing to take the meds. Because I wasn’t passive aggressive or aggressive or disagreeable really in any way when I was taking them, but I wasn’t much of anything else either. It’s like my imagination had gone. I couldn’t reach it. I was watching all this stuff on YouTube, that I had been watching for a while, but after I stopped taking the meds, I could barely stand to look at my iPad. In fact, I’ve actually switched my iPad off and have only had my phone to play with. It’s like I’m getting my mind back so I’m no longer spending my time watching mindless things. And since I’ve stopped taking the meds, my imagination has returned.

I feel like me again. I’ve got fire in my belly. I’ve got a total and absolute intolerance (for want of a better word) for anything that’s considered ‘normal’ and I want to scream in people’s faces.

But I won’t do that. I’ll find the middle way. I opened my little copy of the new testament today. My doctor gave me it last year, when I first went to see him. I was drawn to get it off the shelf today, and open it, knowing I would open it at just the right page.

It was

It was a message to me, to judge not. If we are judging anyone, ever, we are, without doubt, always, absolutely, either judging them or ourselves or some aspect of ourselves because it is simply not possible to see something in another that isn’t already in us.

I was judging myself. I was angry at myself for not being able to just go to their stupid parties and weddings. It’s not even like I’m saying I would never go. But what if I don’t feel like going when it comes to the day? I don’t live by their stupid rules. I know they don’t think they’re stupid, and I don’t think they’re stupid (the people) for living by them. But their rules mean nothing to me and I won’t pretend they do.

However, I do take ownership of showing them and helping them understand why, I don’t want to go to their stupid parties or live in the way they do. But it’s not something that can be said in words. But it can be said in action. (((although, the chapter of the bible I turned to, also said we don’t offend our brothers. We don’t put obstacles in his way. For example, if he eats meat and we don’t, but we go to his home and he offers us meat, we do not put obstacles in his way, we do not declare his way any more inferior than ours, we eat his meat, we don’t judge it, we are grateful to it. So I must read this passage again because I think it holds a clue as to how I approach invitations to parties I don’t want to attend).

I know I’m more ‘agreeable’ to others, when I take the anti depressants, but I’m not like the guy at our group. I can’t take them and skip along happily. I live in my imagination, I need it, it’s who I am. And in all honesty, it is what creates this world, whether we’re conscious of that or not.

It’s my job, to be me, while still being loving, kind and considerate of the people around me. If I concentrate my efforts on living my life, my way, then it will naturally follow that others will not only accept me as me, but they will embrace me also. That won’t happen over night but it will never happen while ever I take that medication because it shuts off a big part of me.

I’m going to live drug free. They’re not necessary. We’ve been sold a lie. If we give our bodies what they need. From a physical, mental/spiritual and emotion perspective, we will be full of vibrant health. Always. And we will NEVER need medications of any kind, not ever. It’s one big money making scam.

I’ll find the middle way. How to live as me without judging another or putting harm in another’s way.