Asperges and Dating

What are your experiences with dating and do you find it difficult to maintain a relationship? I find communication hard sometimes and can come across cold.

Parents
  • I think it's fair to say i struggle with all aspects of dating and relationships! Looking back at my previous experiences it makes a lot more sense now i know more about Asperger's. I've not dated anyone since i self-diagnosed and i haven't really thought about doing so due to all the bad experiences i've had.

    But Evan makes an interesting point there about when to mention it. It's a tricky one. Ideally i think i would mention it straight away because i tend to make a poor first impression, but then maybe that would make the other person uncomfortable. I don't know.

  • I've not dated anyone since i self-diagnosed and i haven't really thought about doing so due to all the bad experiences i've had.

    An interesting point.... I have gone through a series of failed and some nasty relationships...and am considering throwing in the towel in terms of any future relationships. Was this to protect yourself, or others? Or just emotionally worn out and bruised by it all? You don’t have to answer that...it can remain rhetorical... 

    i need the company of others, I am enjoying my time so far here as I am able to express myself...but don’t think I’m good enough to be someone’s partner... too many flaws and Aspie traits.  I’m just trying to work my own self out at the moment.

  • I just find relationships really tiring. I feel like it takes up too much of my brain to maintain them and i can't concentrate on everything at once. And break-ups take me a long time to recover from.

  • I also definitely miss the big picture. I also have trouble picking up when I've upset someone or made them annoyed if they are trying to hide it. And then by the time they finally lose their temper it seems to have come out of nowhere to me. So the shock and confusion play a part in me not finding the right words (or sometimes any words).

    I am the same.

  • Yes, I am always extremely loyal and loving inside. Probably, I do not show the love and others do not see it.

    I also find with any relationship you decide what you need and hold dear and what you can live with... it is called "compromise" - maybe some things are just non-negotiable!

    I like what you wrote here. Completely agree with you.

  • Yes, I am remarkably good at attending to detail.

    It is often difficult for me understanding the overall picture.

    Yes, I stress about each individual fallout and upset and cant see the bigger picture.

    But it does not mean that we don't care, cant love, and be exceptionally lovely people :)

    Completely agree with you!

  • Yes i definitely miss the big picture. And i have trouble picking up when i've upset someone or made them annoyed if they are trying to hide it. And then by the time they finally lose their temper it seems to have come out of nowhere to me. So the shock and confusion play a part in me not finding the right words (or sometimes any words). But yes, i'm 100% loyal!

  • we can be very loyal, and loving...and give 100% of ourselves...but we are also human and fallible... just like anyone else.... 

    I also find with any relationship you decide what you need and hold dear and what you can live with... it is called "compromise" - maybe some things are just non-negotiable!

  • Not only understanding the subtleties of someone else's needs and expectations but we aspies can be remarkably good at attending to detail but can find it difficult perceiving and understanding the overall picture, or gist.....you stress about each individual fallout and upset...but cant see the bigger picture.

    ..and, when you do...sometimes it is too late!

    Adopting different strategies and so stuck in a rut of my own behavioural routines can also mean that the way forward is not always reached.

    But it does not mean that we don't care, cant love, and be exceptionally lovely people :)

  • I think that people often think that I do not care.

    But, in reality, I care a lot of things.

    For some reason, it appears to other people that I do not care but I care.

  • On a side note...because I function well in other areas...I guess a partner suspects that I’m performing badly out of not trying...but I find it difficult..particularly as my Aspie nature is not understood

    I have noticed the same thing with me.

  • it can be so emotionally draining and I always get it wrong trying to judge the subtle and not so subtle nuances of being with someone... I do each time affirm the fact that I am pretty rubbish...but still expectations remain too high for me to get it right and that causes frustration and resentment!

    I completely agree with you.

    It can be so emotionally draining and I always get it wrong trying to judge the subtle and not so subtle nuances of being with someone... I do each time affirm the fact that I am pretty rubbish...but still expectations remain too high for me to get it right and that causes frustration and resentment!

    I have exactly the same experience.

  • I also have to say that I find relationships tiring.

    I feel like it takes up too much of my brain to maintain them and I can't concentrate on everything at once.

    And break-ups take me extremely long time to recover from. They are horrible experiences for me. I never want to experience them again.

  • and i can't find the words to make them understand.

    Yep....thats the one.....it gets stuck in the head, or the throat....but can come out a garbled mess of so much feeling, confusion, hurt and being like a lost child.... 

    It can easily defeat you when you feel unable to make things better...but you so want to... 

  • Oh i definitely get that. When you're really trying your best and the other person says 'if you could just make some effort for once...' They have no idea, they think you just don't care and i can't find the words to make them understand.

Reply Children
  • I also definitely miss the big picture. I also have trouble picking up when I've upset someone or made them annoyed if they are trying to hide it. And then by the time they finally lose their temper it seems to have come out of nowhere to me. So the shock and confusion play a part in me not finding the right words (or sometimes any words).

    I am the same.

  • Yes, I am always extremely loyal and loving inside. Probably, I do not show the love and others do not see it.

    I also find with any relationship you decide what you need and hold dear and what you can live with... it is called "compromise" - maybe some things are just non-negotiable!

    I like what you wrote here. Completely agree with you.

  • Yes i definitely miss the big picture. And i have trouble picking up when i've upset someone or made them annoyed if they are trying to hide it. And then by the time they finally lose their temper it seems to have come out of nowhere to me. So the shock and confusion play a part in me not finding the right words (or sometimes any words). But yes, i'm 100% loyal!

  • we can be very loyal, and loving...and give 100% of ourselves...but we are also human and fallible... just like anyone else.... 

    I also find with any relationship you decide what you need and hold dear and what you can live with... it is called "compromise" - maybe some things are just non-negotiable!

  • I think that people often think that I do not care.

    But, in reality, I care a lot of things.

    For some reason, it appears to other people that I do not care but I care.

  • and i can't find the words to make them understand.

    Yep....thats the one.....it gets stuck in the head, or the throat....but can come out a garbled mess of so much feeling, confusion, hurt and being like a lost child.... 

    It can easily defeat you when you feel unable to make things better...but you so want to...