Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
Like probably most people in the UK, I was ignorant about autism. Until recently when I met someone on the spectrum for the first time. To me this individual seemed fairly "normal," perhaps a little odd and reserved but no more than myself. The similarities, in fact, are very strong which led me to conducting my own research.
I have known for three months that I am somewhere on the spectrum. And since Thursday have been officially diagnosed with high-functioning ASD. It took me a couple of days to figure out what I was feeling. On reflection I suppose I am relieved. To spend your whole life knowing that there's something different about you, feeling alien and isolated and never seem to interact with other people well. No matter how hard you try, unless you’re really drunk. Then to suddenly find the answer and have it confirmed by a professional is quite liberating.
To be honest, it's just opened a door to more questions and inexplicable emotions.
So far, I have told my two sisters who have been very accepting. Unfortunately, others haven't been so open-minded. One of my sisters has become very excited by the discovery. I appreciate that she thinks it's amazing and is happy that I have found clarity, but she has taken it upon herself to inform other people. People whose reactions have re-enforced the ignorant belief that any autistic spectrum disorder is an obvious disability i.e. If you're on the spectrum you either have severe learning disabilities, distinctive behavioural problems or you’re a prodigy genius. And from some, I am patronised and pitied. The attention is unwanted, and I feel very exposed.
When I visited a huge Waterstones, I was expecting to find a whole section dedicated to autistic research but was shocked to find only half a shelf's worth of books. Why were they in the illness and conditions section and not the psychology section?
Only in the past couple of years I've heard that there is a misconception about Autism. Only now I’m beginning to understand how true this is. I don’t know if I still feel relieved. On the one hand, nothing really has changed. But on the other I feel more lost and alone than I was before. And the sleepless nights have returned.
After my diagnosis the only support I have been offered is a referral to a support group called The One Stop Shop which I have yet to hear from. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I hate my job and my life where it sits and need to leave but have no idea where to go as all jobs seem people focused which has always been far too draining for me. Now that I know why and am met with mixed understanding I feel that I desperately need to get away from the people that surround me. It’s getting to the point where my anxiety is manifesting in some very uncomfortable and almost painful physical symptoms.
So far, I have read books by women on the spectrum such as Laura James, Cynthia Kim and Rudy Simone. I have also watched YouTube videos of Tony Attwood. The research is on-going. Any advice or sign-posting would be very much appreciated.
Any advice at all.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
Gosh tell me about it! Sleep! Who’s fricking idea was that! ... if I didn’t have to I never would!
My problems have always been words. As I got much older I began to learn sarcasm, white lies, how to use a thesaurus, proper spelling. My handwriting is still awful, is missed so much school in my early years I wasn't even aware that children were taught handwriting.
Numbers and maths seem natural to me. And I suspect many academics are autistic.
Synesthesia is association of colours with numbers. I don't experience it.
I see a good Mathematical proof as a piece of poetry.
In bed now and Still not able to fall asleep.
There’s something strange about reading other people’s posts on here... it’s almost like looking in a mirror. So many things I can relate to and the way we present it, the words we use. I’ve never known anybody in person who speaks the same as me or understands the way I speak but on here it’s like we all speak the same language. I can see and feel the beauty in every single word.
Its always different tho. I’ve never got on well with numbers... certain numbers in particular can pose a problem sometimes. But for me, words, words have always had such an affect on me. Though I can never seem to express in words how I feel words... the irony.
I forget what that’s called, when you see numbers as colours and the like. But how do you experience it... if at all?!
Hi Abigail,
Another day, another sleepless night!.
Yesterday I went off about 3am. Only got 5 hours sleep. Today 10:45pm and I'm knackered but can't sleep.
I have only have one sister, who is 'normal', she, her family and friends have openly consider me a weirdo as long as I can remember. And they find it difficult to believe that we are related.
Now, I am always trying non autistic behaviour. Like going for long walks and trying new routes to avoid routines. Today I slipped on a wet pavement and was lucky not to break anything.
Back to my sister,. She's worked in the same place for 37 years. In that time I've had 9 jobs. She's lived in one city all her life,. I've moved about and lost count how many places I've rented.
Back to my walks,. I explore parks, woodlands and passageways,. Doing a lot of photography. Looking at photographs of greenery and woodlands helps me relax. I can now walk alone into pubs which I haven't visited before. When I was younger, I got panic attacks and actually lost consciousness in these social situations.
I am not a genius. I have a degree in Maths, but I failed my GCE English 5 times.
Still not sleepy!!!
Good to hear that, Abigail! This again tells me that it helps having plenty of time to write it down and edit and re-edit it until you are happy with it. It also assists the interviewer to frame good on-the-spot questions. It also worked well for me.
Hi Kippen. The diagnosis was easier than I expected. I didn't explain myself to the GP very well (I'm not good at explaining things in the moment) so the GP asked me to drop off a copy of the online test I was using to help diagnose myself, along with a letter bullet-pointing the reasons why I thought I was on the spectrum. Then I got a letter from a psychiatry clinic. I only had one session but the psychiatrist made it very easy to talk by asking simple questions. I didn't feel like I had to prove anything.
Don't be afraid to trust the professionals. And you can always get a second opinion.
Thanks Robert
Definitely not alone... 2am and can’t sleep either!
ive know for a month or so now that I’m an aspie and as a result of even considering it as a possibility I’ve naturally done endless amounts of research... at least now I know why!
even though I want a formal diagnosis I’m terrified to mention it to anybody. I’ve always had this thing going where when I try or want to speak about particular things my body doesn’t let me and that would be a massive barrier in diagnosis. But there’s also the case of it not being a scenario that I’ve ever been able to watch another person encounter so I’ve no idea how to act or go about it!
how did u go about diagnosis? How easy/helpful was it for u? ... there’s the obvious downsides of the stigmas and stereotypes but I’d drather the ones of autism than those of arrogance and selfishness! :)
Marc Segar's book is good
You are not alone 2am and I can't sleep.
I knew next to nothing about autism until a year ago, when after my latest suicide attempt, a mental health team suspected autism and gave me info, including this website.
There are some good guides written by autistics as a guide to the non autistic world.