Looking for guidance

Hi all, I'm not quite sure where to start here. I do not have any kind of diagnosis, however I'm a female, in my late 40s, who has always felt 'different'. I've considered many possibilities, including bipolar and even NPD, but I just don't quite fit with any of the neuro-untypical symptoms of any of these 'disorders'. I can be ignorantly selfish at times but then cringe when I realize what I've done, although most of the time I try hard to fit in with my surroundings.

I've always been able to make friends, and am still close to a small number of friends from school and those I've made during my adult life, although I think that's in spite of my ability to make the most cringeworthy social blunders at times! However I have trained myself over the years to present myself correctly in different social situations, for I really do like spending (some) time with people and ironically my job often involves meeting new people and winning their confidence in our team's ability to resolve their tech problems; albeit I feel a great sense of relief when I come home and am able to shut the door and live in my own world, studying what interests me without the nuisance of having to entertain others and be polite. When going out I much prefer to be with my good man or no more than three friends at a time, too many people to interact with usually leads to me getting drunk which I believe I do to self-medicate awkwardness and anxiety. I've trained myself to enjoy social gatherings such as weddings, although I find myself outside quite often to get some down time. I also find it very difficult to switch off, and often lie awake with thoughts racing around my head unless I'm very, very tired.

Most of my relationships have been disastrous, I'd say I'm gullible and made bad choices. However a year ago I finally met the man I now know want to be with forever. I'm very comfortable with him, we have very similar habits when it comes to organizing our homes, personal hygiene, finances and the logic we employ in everything from driving to problem solving. I feel safe with him and for the first time in my life truly comfortable with intimacy.

I suspect that I'm on the autism spectrum following many discussions with a close male colleague who has a diagnosis of Asperger's. He's quick witted, very blunt (as is my good man) and I really like that, we get on great and I think much of that could be do to with recognizing and respecting each other's boundaries. He reckons I'm on the spectrum too, and said a conversation with me was more like talking to a guy, which I'm totally ok with as I feel I have a half-male, half-female brain. I graduated in physics, did a postgrad in IT and have worked in IT ever since. I do not process information in any typical way and can process big numbers very quickly and accurately in my head (including binary, I also count in 3s which I'm told is a bit weird!). I also have excellent spatial awareness, if I do say so myself! Overall I greatly overanalyse things and can become obsessive in my studies of whatever I'm interested in, which can change although there's always a few I go back to, psychology being a long-term favourite.

I'd really like to know what is 'wrong' with me, why I feel different, and would very much appreciate any feedback this community has to offer based on what I've written here. I'm happy to answer any questions honestly. As I understand it ASD can manifest differently in women than men, and differently again amongst genders. I'd really just appreciate the thoughts of others who know more as my attempts at getting a diagnosis of anything in the past were met with "Don't make trouble for yourself". Right now, frankly I don't care about making trouble for myself, I'd really just like to know where I'm at in order to answer many life questions about stuff that doesn't make sense. Thanks in advance for your replies x

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  • There are several adult females on this forum so we have been learning a lot from each other. You are asking yourself many of the same questions we have asked ourselves too so you are amongst people who can understand your need to know. There are a couple of other threads on the forum about women with Aspergers or on the spectrum. If you manage to wade through them you will see lots of suggestions about books and websites. if you look at women with autism/Aspergers on YouTube you will find some interesting information. Tania Marshall,  Sarah Hendreickx, Rudy Simone and several more have written books on the subject. Tania Marshall has a very useful checklist. Sarah Hendrickx and Dr J Gould have very good lectures to watch on YouTube. 

    Also look at Neurodiversity because it's quite common to have overlaps with other "disorders" and helps give some perspective. 

    Keep posting 

  • Thank you so much for your reply, it's appreciated. I have been researching this for a wee while, as I said I'd just like to know what differs from 'neurotypical' behaviour, and that's new lingo for me. I have watched many vids made by women with Aspergers.autism but they don't quite answer my questions, so I came here.

    I have specific questions, such as why do I have a meltdown when messed around when it comes to food in particular? That makes me crazy, worse than PMT, irrationally frustrated and disappointed beyond reason and crying. My good man is fortunately so patient with me. The things that really upset me, consistently over the years, seem totally nuts to other people, to the extent that if I am asked to organize something I will do so to the nth degree, and it will happen that way. Fortunately that has worked very well for everyone else, but knowing how random people can be it can be very stressful given my mindset :-o

  • You are welcome. 

    sensory processing disorder is maybe something to look at and adhd ( which also presents differently in women and isn't quite what people think)... The thing is that though we have features/traits in common within that they are sometimes the same and sometimes not. As for trying to separate Neurodiverse from Neurotypical i.e. What a differently wired brain does from a normally wired one... is a huge topic and affected by many things. It is confusing.. your example of organising.. is it a short term "special interest ""hyperfocus""OCD" " a boost of adrenaline or dopamine" I just don't know. Sorry you didn't find the answers you were looking for. Hopefully you will get some more replies with other people's thoughts and experience. Or there maybe a thread somewhere on here about sensory issues ( your reaction to foods) etc 

  • It is a very large Pandora's box and I understand the need to search and find answers. I hope you find yours. You are not muddying anything on here. We all have questions and searching for answers just some people nearer to the answers than others. I hope you find what you need to know soon 

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  • It is a very large Pandora's box and I understand the need to search and find answers. I hope you find yours. You are not muddying anything on here. We all have questions and searching for answers just some people nearer to the answers than others. I hope you find what you need to know soon 

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