My names Abby, i'm 23 years old and was diagnosed beginning of last year/coming up this year with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Putting aside the absolute trilogy, pre-quel and sequel it would take to give a backstory, i am really struggling at this point to even understand it, it being autism, it being me who doesnt feel worthy? Not ego or pedestal worthy but worthy of saying that it is whats wrong (i say wrong from my point of view i do understand it can be a hinderence but also a gift for others) with me, instead of putting it down plain and simply to im a terrible person that doesnt get it (not that i even know what there is to get which is dually infuriating because i don't have the interest to sit and gossip and rip into another human beings look or passive racism/jokes that are made of other peoples misery/ignorances to peoples lives that they feel they can comment and summarise it after never enganging with the person theyre actually talking about) and being extremely critical of things and others around me while feeling constantly anxious and guilty to say anything because i don't want to be hypocritial when i throw my strong views out its unfair, so i opt for not saying anything because the explanation thats in my brain seems to lose all intellectual anything the instant it starts exiting my mouth in speech and even if i could somehow get across the dialogue in my head without crying, processesing or just not hitting the nail on the head, as daft as it sounds, in everyday life people would just look at me with a bewildered look either from my replacement of normal words with different ones either imitated from a movie/tv series/game ive watched or played in which ill mimic the action and this bit just feels like a rambling attempt at explaining what i think is a trait but again i could just be pulling at straws for an answer? I dont know.
I can't even describe or pinpoint what is actually wrong right now, ive had depression from atleast 12 years old, been going to the doctors since i was around 14 and started antidepressants shortly after it wasn't until a huge breakdown at university that ive been consistantly keeping at it but im currently in limbo.... the lady who gave me the diagnosis for autism said it would be beneficial for me not having to drive there (in the middle of a main city) because id had abit of an overload the last appointment because of the satnav and the roads and the other drivers and the perpetual feeling of ive fucked up, im fucking up, i dont understand this system/lanes that im driving.
So then my psychiatrist who first gave me the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (who said there was no point carrying my appointments on but would look along side my assessment lady at getting me a psychologist appointment) stopped my appointments, said if i feel like i need them (which when you feel like your using up peoples time, your issues are silly, youre being a burden, causing issues/hassle etc) i can just phone up and ask for an appointment but this is harder than said and done as explained above coupled with the fact that what im telling them is true yes but i feel like the worlds biggest imposter.... like literally (coupled with my PiP assessment and review which had me phoning the crisis team) and because i dont know everything there is to know about autism i dont feel that if someone asks me about it i have enough i formation to explain it without any eye rolling or the usual "right okay" *queue being talked about because im clearly not physically disabled or can explain my diagnosis or know everything there is to know about autism so i must be attention seeking* most i have found is to do with children, How do you distinguish between your autism and your depression/anxiety/emotional unstableness and so much more?
Also when youre in a comfortable routine/space do you feel like your interaction with your family because abit easier? When im in the shed (i have a small lamp it is darker than outside, my tv and playstation in there) if im in a state like that my mum can come sit, talk to me even have some laughs but otherwise i can be quite rigid and minimal in my responce, not because of her but because i dont wanna speak or be interacted with at that time cos its easier than trying to explain whats wrong when there isnt somethi g apparently wrong, depending on my emotional state i can also talk extremely fast in an emotional flurry trying to get my entire explanation out in one go so the person gets the full side before assuming/or making a judgement.
Sorry you had to wade through this, as you can tell mentally everything is alittle all over and im lacking guidance? Just some adult figure that can turn around and help me file through it all but no one seems to get it, or they get it and i dont so do i need to research more to get it or ? I dont know what im ment to do, sorry for spilling it over and if i caused any irritation or i said got something wrong please tell me and i will apologise and correct it, thank you for your time everyone
Welcome to the forums Abby, By the sounds of things, you've had your own version of what many of us have had, myself included. When you can't seem to fit into what people see as normal, you look for why. I've been through the whole depression, insomnia thing too. Nothing worked for me. I only stumbled across Aspergers a few weeks ago. It's been like the veil being lifted. I now see that so man traits I thought were something else, or "just me" are actually my Aspergers taking control. It annoys me that it's taken until now (I'm 44) to figure this out. On the other hand, I genuinely feel like I've moved the needle now. I've now started to tweak my environment to minimise sensory overload etc. With this and more tweaks I can remain n control of myself. I can make my work environment more stable, which gives me less stress, be more efficient, more enjoyable and feel like I've achieved something and that I'm going somewhere. I fight back on the unimportant things, like I now shuffle my albums.
Being able to distinguish the difference may not be the way to look at things. There are traits that many people with Autism have. Everyone is different. If you spend some time thinking about how it affects you, then look at the scientific reasoning behind it. This lets you modify your environment. This should help improve your mood. It could easily be your obliviousness to the autism that means you've inadvertently put yourself in trigger areas, which has made you stand out even more from the norm, which has led to (or at least contributed to) depression.
This is new to me, That said, this forum is really nice. Everyone is friendly. You're not alone. One part of how Aspergers affects me is my inability to empathise with others. This forum helps me do that. I read how others describe their symptoms, and how they're adapting. For me, it was an explanation for so much that I didn't understand before now. There is no cure. It's also not a bad thing. I know I have some traits that make me stand out in a good way. I now know these are likely my Aspergers. My key is "I have to control it, not let it control me". This is why the X-Men Cyclops avatar.
Hey Abbey, (I am at present only self-diagnosed.) Awaiting the NHS, I am 53 at the end of this month. In the first instance if you can, I have written some poetry for everyone on this site. Take a read, see if you relate, hope it helps you.
PS. please do leave a comment.
Hi Abby so nice to meet you,well virtually anyway, you are now in a safe place with like minded people, yes we are all individuals but most share certain traits, I enjoyed reading your words,meaning I understood perfectly well everything you wanted to say, never be afraid to say what you need to. I have written more on this forum than I have ever written and don't expect anyone to respond but it helps me.
I am an older male but I can associate with a lot of what you have or are going through.please try to relax as you are not here to be judged or corrected, we all know what it is like to receive negative attitude or bullying. We are gifted for being autistic we care more as we experience so much negativety, I decided we need a new word just for us, the word is AUTEMPATHY, yeah autism and empathy. I prefer seeing the world through open eyes and understanding if not actually doing anything about it.
I look forward to reading more from you as it all seems so familiar.
Welcome to the forum! Also I would not worry for an instance about saying something wrong. One of the joys of a place like this is you can get things out you would not normally say.
It took me till I received my diagnosis at 33 to realise that years of depression was a side affect of my ASD. I had always been treated as someone with Depression because of events in my life, treated with medication for a period of time till I was 'ok', then a year later the cycle would begin again. Now I have a diagnosis I am able to speak to my doctor from a better place, knowing that it is better to deal with my ASD, as when this is managed well, my mood / anxiety and everything else improves.
I have 3 children, and I spend a lot of time driving my partner mad, as there are so many things I do that are strange, and I miss so many cues that most people take for granted. The key to not going completely mad is that I know they all love me, and that making mistakes will not drive them away. This has really helped me stabilise my life.
The whole NAS website is full of helpful things, and the 'To Much Information' part is a great place to show other people what ASD can be like:
I have made all my family watch the video and take the quiz, to demonstrate what it can be like to get sensory overload, and why I sometimes need to take myself away for some quiet time.
Don't feel like your alone, as there are many people who can relate to you. If you have any questions, there will always be someone in the forum with either wise words, or just an ear to listen :)
Thank you for the warm welcome and kind words i never really felt justified to use my autism as an explanation as to why im acting how i am because i felt like i was giving a a half arsed reason of "this is how i am, deal with it" i do need to work on some self acceptance ive checked and rechecked this forum reading as i go, from the lack of support all the way to familys having breakthroughs ive really needed this sort of... information, i guess i expected a movie psychologist to sit me down.. id rabble on about everything and afterwards he wpuld bullet point what i had, what was wrong and what was needed to sort it out and ive been holding onto that this entire time :/
I am very sensitive, i cut myself off (selective mute i think its called) when i have so much in my head to say but i cant bring it out or dont even want to be acknowledged/looked at, but i also have the instances where i completely burst out and meltdown and its never the trigger, the trigger set me off but id then pull mental videos of when i was a kid/teenager/different situations from my past and then just chew on the bit so to speak about it all!, someone explained it as having X going off in your head, but Y and Z have also joined in
im definately going to check the video out, i am at a the disadadvantage of my family members dont see it as a priority? Not that i want to be "i have issues, you need to fix yourself i dont need to fix myself" but if i put it across as "i need help, i would like you to help me"? Im so bloody terrible with the understanding and the talking i spend so long in my room going over my interactions with people like what did you say that for? Why did you act like that? That wasnt right was it?" I do feel there is SO SO SO much self judgement already but its like i have my own bully telling me all the things im doing wrong but not being able to completely do them right anyway?
Has anyone had to keep a diary or wrote down when they had meltdowns or wrote down when theyve had good experiences associated with their ASD? No ones really told me what to do since my diagnosis and there might not be anything to actually do? But i feel deflated not to do anything and worried if i start doing something its silly, wrong, or pointless because i dont even know what to do/look out for? Again abit of bumble about sorry but thank you so much for reading and replying