Speaking without worrying

Hi,

I'm 33 years old and was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year.

I have 3 children, one of whom has also just been diagnosed with ASD and is about to start school, and a very stressed partner of 10 years.

Since diagnosis I have been 'taking stock' if you like. I have always had a history of anxiety and depression, which has led to a circle of medication, supression, comming off of medication, slowely getting more anxious and stressed again and repeating the cycle. The cycle time varied from 1 to 3 years in most cases and has been going on since the age of 16.

I have a stressful job as an analyst, but this is the part of my life I find easy. I have control of everything in my job. I get stressed trying to hit deadlines, but this is all within my limits to control. Instead my struggle is at home.

I love my children and partner, and would do anything for them. However I struggle to 'live for the day' and am always being told 'life is to short'. I feel a huge sense of guilt that I am so stressed and anxious in so many situations that I am reliably informed there is no need to be stressed about. My patience in some things, like researching data is almost infinite, but with children I am unable to think at their level and remember that they are illogical, and that is ok for them. I want to explain in words my partner can understand that thinking differently is something I wish I could do, but cannot. To people on the outside I am a grumpy 33 year old who shouts at children and spoils their fun.

If I take one of my children out on their own I can have a great time, but more than one child are destined to argue, and that is something I cannot deal with, and will shout and resolve the situation that is not ideal. In addition to this we have neighbours with 3 children of a similar ages to mine, and they play in or house and theirs. I have experienced complete sensory paralysis at having any number of children doing different things, and not being in control. I have personal space issues, and having any strangers in my house is something I take time to adjust to, and having young children asking me questions in my house, when I do not know exactly where mine are causes what I can only explain as a short circuit in my brain and I cannot function. I have found myself shaking and almost crying, and completely useless to help my partner manage our children and our neighbours.

All of this makes me feel that I am not doing my job as an adult and a parent, which themn makes me more anxious and stressed, which in turn makes me irritable with my partner. What I miss is the ability to talk on a level platform with my partner about this, but since my diagnosis, I am not merely a grumpy person, which has changed our dynamic. For my partner, she says that I am making myself change because of the diagnosis, but for me, I want to deal with the situation I see as being the route cause, rather than sedatinig till later with medication.

Writing this does have a somewhat therapeutic feeling, and I hope that I can do more of this. It is good to have an output between appointments with the ADS team where I live, and also putting it in writing means I can then print it off and save having to try and reword this again.

Thanks for the platform to vent,

Daniel