Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a single mother struggling to cope with my son`s violent behaviour and it`s tearing us apart, he is a controlling, manipulative bully-because I am his main carer it is aimed at me as I do not have any supportive family or friend`s, at school he manages to control his behaviour but is unhappy and when he gets home he takes all his anger out on me, he is also verbally abusive towards me. It's taken me 5 years to fight for him to see a psychologist - out of this my son has been seeing a behavioural therapist and his therapist agrees my son needs to be put on medication but because my son controls his behaviour at school and not at home he does not think the psychologist will agree to this.
I can't go on like this anymore and I know I cant allow my son to behave this way and it is unacceptable, he does face concequences for his negative behaviour but he is devoid of any emotion of guilt for the way he behaves,.
Here is the bonus with the book, it is written in autistic-linguista-form - or more simply with Aspergian readers in mind - neurotypicals get to learn to understand Aspergian communication basics, and vice versa too.
T.C.G.T.A.S. is a psychological classic ~ along with the likes of Jung, Freud, Adler, Berne, Sachs, Bech and just about any other person who is a very well known super-specialist in the field of psychology.
The book is a very very seriously well written piece of work. Simple to read, and however complex you may wish to go.
Really good to read and seriously makes up for the affirmation or validation shortage often experienced by Aspergians in neurotypical society,
The only problem is - if it had as much information about older adults as it does younger children; it would not feel like the several chapters of the book are missing! It has a cliff-hanger so to speak.
I'm hoping all the big Aspergian authors across the world get to finish off with Tony Attwood.
I just want to offer a suggestion regarding 'proof' of his behavior in private': buy, or borrow, a 'nanny cam' and recorder but I suggest that you DO NOT let him know about it, or that he is being recorded...
Iit sounds to me as though he is 'using you' as a 'pressure release' because he knows you are 'going to be there - no matter what'... and I am sure that you are concerned that this might be a far worse situation as he grows into a young man, so I do deeply hope for a caring professional to step in with possible courses of action that may offer a real solution,... and the best outcome for your family...
But as to the 'nanny cam/recorder' - such would be an unbiased electronic observer of sorts... this might help to establish a witness to the degree of his behavior and might facilitate some quicker action and results..
Good luck dear...
Thanks for sharing this. I've bought the book but not managed to read it yet, but by god does it explain my 'explosion' today. I just can never find the way to explain it to people.
Lee
Hi Kylebella,
I'm sorry to read of your difficulties with your son. I'm afraid I can't add much - except that reading what you say reminds me of how horrible I could be to my own mother. Not physically violent, but abusive and bullying in other ways - especially during my teens and twenties. I would put her down, correct her, shout at her. It kills me to remember this, because all along I loved her so much. Now she's no longer here, life feels empty.
I really hope things can work out for you. It must feel horrible. I'm so glad, at the end, that I was able to repay my mother in some way for her unconditional love and support, and for sticking by me.
Best wishes,
Tom
P.S. From the 'Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' ~ 'Managing rage' (on page 158) ~ Tony Attwood states:
A subsequent section of this chapter will describe CBT programs for anger management (see page 163), but at this stage it is important for the reader to know what to do and what not to do when the person with Asperger's syndrome is feeling extremely angry and rapidly losing control, i.e. losing his or her temper and entering a state of rage.
We all feel angry sometimes, and I know children and adults with Asperger's syndrome who very rarely feel angry. However, when the feelings of anger are extremely intense and lead to an explosive rage, there is a diagnostic term that may be applicable to some people with Asperger's syndrome. Intermittent Explosive Disorder (I.E.D.) is included in the diagnostic manual DSM-IV, and is defined as follows:
The person has several discrete episodes of failure to resist impulses that result in serious assault or destruction of property, the degree of aggression is grossly out of proportion to precipitating psychological stressors and not accounted for by other mental disorders such as a personality disorder, psychotic disorder, conduct disorder or ADHD, or alcohol or drugs. (American Psychiatric Association 2000, p. 667)
Thus, if a person with Asperger's syndrome has problems with the management of anger that is intermittent and extreme, there may be a relevant diagnostic category that should enable the person to access appropriate treatment.
A few paragraphs on, Tony goes on to state:
I recommend that when the child or adult with Asperger's syndrome is in a rage, the person managing the situation uses a quite and assertive voice, perhaps not enquiring about the cause of the agitation, but focusing on distraction or more constructive means of releasing the emotional energy. This can include suggesting access to the special interest, which can be mentally absorbing and extremely enjoyable, such that the angry feelings are excluded from the person's thoughts; solitude, to slowly calm down; or an energetic physical activity; such as a long run, to 'burn-off' the destructive energy.
In my case a BMX bike worked a treat during my early teenage years, and also a skateboard in the later years.
I really recommend that you get a copy of 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome', by Tony Attwood, which costs just under twenty pounds - when purchased anew. It covers every stage of pre-adolescent development on through to adolescence and early post-adolescence. The difficulties you describe as having are not uncommon, and various methodologies for dealing with them are described and exemplified, and there are resource and reference listings aplenty at the end of the book.
I think you will almost certainly find it very useful resource indeed.
Have you bothered to find out what makes your son unhappy at school? When you say that he manages to control his behaviours at school, one would like to know how successful he is in controlling his behaviours at school. A lot of behaviour patterns are possible within the spectrum, but in my own experience your son's pattern is not very common.
Remember one thing: psychologist can't decide medication, psychiatrist can. If psychiatrist or paediatrician says no to medication ask what they suggest. You may even want to use your phone to record an outburst from your son. Explain you don't have other people to help.
If they want to do more behavioral work then ask if you can have a social worker come and do a home observation and assess whether you can get some respite care.
12 is a tough age, but you've got to look after yourself too. I would also suggest you talk to your GP about how difficult it is for you, because they may be able to speak with the specialist