Adult Aspergers & OCD - family do not understand

You should distance yourself from your parents for a while. Only you know what is best for you and what you can and can't do. 

Hello

'Aspergirls' was recommended to me by the doctor who assessed me, so I think it will be one of the best to read. It covers lots of topics including sensory overload, relationships and employment (there are 23 sections, so it covers lots of areas) and gives advice and experiences of other females. I would definitely recommend it.

I use Snug ear defenders, which I got from Amazon. They do not block out all noise, so I can hear people when they're speaking to me, but it helps block out background noise that might be distracting or problematic. They're very comfortable and look just like headphones that play music so they are discreet. You can also get noise cancelling wireless headphones which you could connect to your iPod if you like listening to music, but I don't know which brands are good for that.

I do not know which organisations don't have open plan spaces, sorry! I will hopefully finds out as I'm having similar issues, so if I do I can let you know :) 

I hope that helps a bit!

Hi again. I haven't read 'aspergirls' before. Is this the best one for women who have Aspergers and is there some sort of coping skills book for women on the ASD spectrum? Also, what is the brand and type of your noise cancelling headphones because I bought a pair that I thought were noise cancelling but they turned out not to be. 

Are there any big corporate workplaces that don't have open plan workspaces because I cannot deal with the unrelenting people problems in my current workplace

Thanks again for the detailed response. I will read and reply to this properly tomorrow. I'm going to go to bed. Tomorrow I hope will be a better day. 

That's okay, it's good to ramble.

With work, I'm quite fortunate in that my department manager wants to support me but I also haven't really known what to say. I also work in an open plan office and I am noise-sensitive and constant chattering and office buzz is distracting and overwhelming for me, so I have been allowed to wear my noise cancelling headphones in the office, and I had a discussion this week with my support worker about maybe extending this to the whole building. Is this something that might help you? At lunch times, they all sit together in the office, but I'm not great at joining in so I spend the time in the library with my headphones on. My manager has encouraged me to make sure I make time for this, but it does isolate me further from the team. I haven't explicitly told my colleagues about my autism, but I think they probably know as gossip travels round (it's also quite obvious at times). Although I once heard one of the team leads comment that she doesn't believe autism exists, and it's just an excuse for poor behaviour, which I'm pretty sure is why I don't feel comfortable telling them. They also frequently criticise those in receipt of benefits, which I currently am as I can't maintain full time employment, which is difficult. Also, I tried explaining to my manager how desperate and chaotic everything feels at the moment (we are extremely understaffed) and how stressed/low I am feeling, but she says that everybody feels stressed and under pressure. My GP says that the levels of stress I experience are much greater than 'normal' stress levels, but it's difficult for me to see the difference and I feel as though I'm making a fuss about nothing.

Like you, I spend time being sick in the toilets and timing my trips there to coincide with a meltdown. Sometimes people from other departments will come and find me to tell me about mistakes I've made, and at times this can be like they're speaking a different language because I'm putting all my energy into not breaking down in front of them and making sure I can reach the toilet. At the moment I am making a lot of mistakes, and at times forgetting to complete a task altogether. You might well be experiencing a burn out, sometimes the demands of life are just too much and you need a break. Here's a link to a blog written by a female with autism about burn outs at work: https://themighty.com/2016/09/experiencing-burnout-in-the-workplace-as-an-autistic-person/ 

That's how my parents see it too, just a label. When I first told my family I was being assessed, my Uncle told me that nobody would ever want to employ me if I did the assessment. My Dad says that everybody is on the autism spectrum, which I think is why he is so dismissive. It's tough if your parents don't want to learn about it, but perhaps if you could get professional support they might find it more believable or real? Sometimes I think it takes something like that to change people's perceptions.

It is unfair that people with autism (and other things) who try to work are left to struggle so much, and I completely understand what you mean by the mask coming off and rejection. I have read and been told that it is especially hard for women because we are better at hiding our struggles, and generally come across as 'normal'. I would love to be a research scientist and be able to study at postgraduate level (I managed to get a degree) as I feel this might be something I could do and maintain full time, and would work to my strengths/interests but it's daunting with Asperger's, and I am frightened that I will be forever trapped in a low paid job, with no prospects. I feel really intelligent inside, but things either come out wrong, or don't come out at all. 

Have you ever read a book called 'Aspergirls' by Rudy Simone? It explains autism really clearly from a female perspective, and it has helped me feel much more secure with my diagnosis and to better handle other people's comments and unrealistic expectations. I think it talks about work, too (but that's not definite).

I would definitely find support groups locally to you, I think it will really help

Thank you for your reply. I will need to to access professionals who deal with ASD and the workplace because so far, work has not helped me and I don't know what sort of 'reasonable adjustments' would apply to me. I work in an open plan office and there is a lot of noise, lots of 'banter' (where jokes about disability are the norm) and my colleagues are behaving very coldly/unfriendly towards me. I have become so worried I am doing something wrong or if my job is in jeopardy I've been sick in the toilets, had to escape from my desk because I was about to break down and cry, and ultimately have had to take a few weeks off work because I cannot cope anymore. Is this 'burnout'? I am new to all of the Asperger and Autism related terminologies.

Unfortunately my mum and dad think I just want to label myself with a problem. First it was OCD, now it's Aspergers. I have professional diagnoses for both. They do not want to learn about aspergers and how it affects women or how it explains my problems.

I look at my colleagues at work and know that they don't have half the qualifications I've managed to get or the resilience I have had through all the mental ups and downs and yet they have all the friends, can communicate effectively and get chosen for promotion etc. The same people make jokes about disability and are generally not empathetic and are self serving. I know if I had the ability to cope, I would be doing well in my career but I am absolutely debilitated with Aspergers and OCD and this is the most depressing thing of all. No matter what I seem to try, the batteries run out and the mask comes off and I'm rejected in one form or another.

Again thank you for your reply and sorry for the ramble. I've just had a very very difficult day and it is hard to keep on track with thinking out a proper response

Hello.

I am very sorry you are feeling this way, and I'm not the best advice or help, but I wanted to try because your situation resonates with mine a little.

But I just wanted to try to let you know that you're absolutely not alone. I am a little bit younger than you, in my 20s, but also female and have trouble with family not understanding how much my autism affects me. They find it funny and make fun of some of my "quirks" and last year when I had some time off work I was constantly questioned and pressured to go back. It kind of feels like they don't see it as a genuine difficulty. I guess because it's "invisible". As a result, I try my hardest to avoid situations where it might be bought up, and have hidden the fact that I had to reduce my hours from them. The result of this experience is that even though I am again not coping at work and frightened to go off sick, despite doctors' advice and my autism has become much more difficult to hide due to being anxious and overwhelmed (especially stimming and insistence on rules and routine), I feel completely unable to tell anyone in my family and am terrified of losing my job and where I live.

Because I don't feel able to seek support from my family, and I don't have any close friends at all I have had to find support elsewhere, mostly through my GP and information given in my diagnostic report about local services. There are organisations who can offer support to people with high functioning autism/Asperger's and I have recently started attending a social group with the organisation I'm under. I find it a relief to have others around me who think a bit more like me, and at a time when things are really tough it has been a lifeline. I don't know which area you're in, but there should be somewhere like that where you might get some relief from family or work and have somewhere you can be yourself, and maybe access a specialist support worker. I currently work with an autism support worker and I know she would speak to my parents and family if I asked her to, I wonder whether having an autism professional speak to your family might help? One of my goals at the moment is to allow someone to speak to my family. It can also help to have autism professionals involved because if anything does happen with work, they can offer support. My support worker is coming to occupational health appointments with me, for example. She explains things I miss or can't express fully.

I am sorry I don't have much to offer, and I'm not sure if I expressed what I could offer too well, but I mostly just wanted you to know you're absolutely not alone and I really hope there might be somewhere or someone who knows about autism who can speak with them, and I'm happy to speak more. I'm in the Midlands so know that area quite well. I think mostly ignorance is the reason people expect us to just cope with everything. Sometimes I look at colleagues at work and wonder how they cope and wish I could. Sometimes I even wonder whether I'm making the whole thing up but when I speak with people who understand I find it easier to accept myself and try to block out other people thoughts and expectations.