Myself

Apologies for all the grammar and spelling mistakes this originally was going to be a script for a video but i decided to reupload it here raw and unedited for you to see so you can have a better idea where i am coming from... (Well, slightly edited because i did use profanity and i didn't know if this forum allowed the use of such so it may not completely portray my feelings accurately...)

My Story

Again, i'm unable to sleep and so I took to typing out a script which i'm going to be reading for this next video, I wish to apologise about the fact that all the videos on my channel are deleted but to those who know me that's something you can expect by now. I've reinvented myself so many times i've lost count. I've always felt like i'm running away from something honestly the things I did in the past that I find shameful. Although, the few old friends who still know me tell me that the things I did although somewhat embarrassing aren't so immoral that I should personally demonise myself for the rest of my life I still end up feeling inadequate. Maybe people will be able to relate to me or they will call me a freak which I justly deserve because I never was able to adapt or fit into society and it's coming to the point where I'm not sure if I even want to anymore and find my own path.

It often seems that the world is becoming far and far more of an extroverts paradise although ironically is being pursued in an introverted way however, they are not true introverts as they still to some level even if it's over the internet can interact with others without feeling like a complete fool or failing to grasp basic concepts that everyone seems to just understand instinctually.

This video isn't about me trying to explain autism or asperger's to people who don't have it because it's likely they'll never truly understand and that's perfectly fine. It's not an easy thing to understand many people who even are high functioning like myself can barely understand the condition as it is so all encompassing and you are put in this strange dilemma where you couldn't imagine life without it but, you'd never wish it upon another which is why all these ideas about how you are able to cure autism is stupid.

I am autistic, I am depressed, I am listless, I am bored, I am terrified, and I feel disconnected from reality and the world. Recently, my apprenticeship finally gave up with me and stopped calling me and yes i'll admit that I did ignore a couple of calls from them in the past as I was dealing with a lot on my plate and I felt that the agent in charge of me wasn't really listening to me and treated me like a child now it seems she has completely given up on me writing me a throw away email saying how she is happy I was able to find new work even though I am currently not employed. I'm still continuing with the course and i'm going to be turning up at the end of the year with all the completed work and should be able to get the qualification although, I can see how it may not pan out for me either. I've always struggled to find work as the opportunities I have been given haven't ever really benefited me or help me grow. The last job I had was at an IT first line tech support which I was really good at to the point where when I was leaving the job my line manager begged me to stay but, I simply could not abide by the company as they were doing things that seemed borderline illegal to me even if they may technically be legal they were deceitful to other customers (as in the customers we had to deal with as we worked as a middleman contractor for other IT support companies so they'd give us their customers and then the IT company would pay us but when they did so they never wrote out any scope of support meaning literally anything their clients wanted done we had to do, not only that but we had a limited time to do it in also known as a SLA as we had other tickets from many other ticketing portals we needed to assist within including our own as my company also had their own clients). Nothing was organised, it was a struggle to even get any basic fixes in place due to lack of access and colleagues just expected you to muddle through. I felt sorry for the poor *** they got to replace myself and a colleague on mine as although he had interest in the IT field he had bare minimal training in it and didn't have the extensive background knowledge myself and my colleague had so he had constant bollockings from senior staff and I wish he now heeded my warnings that it's really not so pretty working on the tech team.

Now, i'm sure plenty of you would argue I should of stayed and maybe you are right but, it's hard to when you yourself are unhappy and fed up... Which I am... As i'm not against working hard as long as it's towards a goal which I find tennable and reasonable. The previous job I had was working as a janitor in (for the americans in the audience) what you would consider as walmart. It was miserable hours although thankfully short as it was only three hour shifts but because of this it paid next to nothing the shift was from 5am to 8am 6 days a week. I felt super uncomfortable at that job as how it was advertised to me is that I could just get on with my work and be left to do it but that wasn't true as I kept getting disciplined because I didn't wave back or say hi to the walmart employees (who weren't my colleagues but my clients as I worked for a cleaning contractor) this meant these employees could get away with murder and there was nothing I could do about it. They moved our cleaning supplies and used them without permission specially which they used the wrong coloured mop and bucket to clean somewhere which is a health risk due to cross contamination as this walmart had a cafe built into it as another bucket was used for the toilets exclusively. Another rule was that we were allowed to listen to music while we worked so everyone had their phones out so as long as you did your work it was fine however, one day I was wearing ill fitting shoes and my ankles had really sore blisters that were painful to walk on so I rested my feet for a couple of seconds while I was cleaning the bathroom just to change songs on my phone before finishing my work (which by the way I managed to do that day) but an employee of walmart walked in on me and complained to my boss that I was being lazy and I wasn't doing the work. It just went to *** from there if you forgive my pun as the employees started to bully me because they felt so jilted by the fact I didn't see them wave to me or say hi to me which my boss kept bring up they did but I never any of them do so not even once. True I'll grant you I usually had my eyes to the ground and my music on but so did my boss and so did my co-workers so why did they single me out? Eventually, the walmart staff got so petty with me they ended up kicking me out of the cafeteria stating that if I don't do the work before the cafeteria staff came in then they wouldn't let me finish which often meant that I'd miss spots as I usually did a double inspection which my boss then chastised me for because I apparently I should of got it right the first time.

So I ended up leaving that job no surprise. I did do volunteer work for a time at a charity shop called Cancer Research UK which was alright... It was mostly old people who worked there and they were all ladies and the locals who visited the shop were nice. I still didn't feel like I belonged there either as my idiosyncratic behaviour whenever I was a bit too honest or I had a social mishap gave me weird looks but, they never called me out for it and it was the first job I felt like I actually was able to do the job to a high standard and I wasn't struggling at it. Problem was it didn't pay as it was purely voluntary but it seemed like I enjoyed that more.

The one paid job I had that was nice and I loved but unfortunately paid awful even less than minimum as I was a private tutor and it was out of pocket so it felt like more of an allowance and parent gives to their kid than any sort of wage I could live on while I was at university. However, the job itself was really nice the lady I worked for was sweet and she genuinely cared about me and we still keep in contact to this day I taught her basic IT skills and she helped me a ton during uni as she knew how much I struggled as I was and still am in a serious relationship with my current partner. The loan that I was given by the student loan company even after my college told me that it would definitely cover at least basic living costs wasn't enough to cover my basic rent let alone food, hygiene and etc... I had to live off of 220 bucks a month and although it taught me a very good lesson in saving and being careful with money I did basically almost starved for a week to the point where my lecturers kindly gave me supplies out of their own salaries in order that I was fed which was one of my lowest points in life as it made me feel like a homeless person and it made me feel useless not that I have anything against homeless people it was just it hurt my pride a lot as I hate being a charity case. I've always thought of myself as self sufficient but it shows that I couldn't survive in this world and to this day maybe that's true more than ever... In any case

I had a job at a wine warehouse which I ended up getting fired from after messing up labelling bottles of wine too many times. However, the amount of pressure I was under was staggering as I had an infected cyst that gave me fever like symptoms growing on the right side of my neck (recently it seems to have gone for good which i'm hoping for), I had the pressure of doing a job that i've never done before but thankfully it was only a 2 week contract, and my girlfriend at the time was diagnosed with cancer and I desperately wanted to see her but she was often quite cold and she pushed me away later breaking up with me a few months later but, all that time I felt like a really bad person as I wanted to support her but it looked like she never wanted my support (thankfully she is ok now and seems to have moved on and is happy which even though we had a rough relationship and didn't really get on well a lot of the time we did have a few happy moments and I don't want to wish ill on her). Basically, I had a mental break and that lead to my firing.

Prior to that I was at my first year of university and was with my ex at the time... We spent most of the time arguing over petty nonsense and having sex and we both felt miserable in our own separate ways... But, I often feel that I was projected that misery onto her and I often wish we didn't meet because I almost feel like she would have been better off not knowing me... With the amount of stuff I was going through at the time with the loan company, my mum going through a mental breakdown and on loads of drugs to keep her functioning due to a stress related hernia and my dad working constant overtime to not only give me my monthly 200 quid to make sure I was ok as the loan company expected my parents not only to support me or for me to support myself but also pay the difference in my rent. I mostly stayed reclusive during both of my years at university just spending time with my ex in the first year and with my current girlfriend in the second year and not really interacting with many others. I tried joining the societies there but often felt ignored I did make a couple of friends but they were often too busy and were doing other stuff that I was left on the way side and I met a guy who also felt the same as me. But, he ended up going his own separate way too... University just seemed like an indifferent and uncaring place which is not what I was expecting as I heard so many good things about it from so many people. However, everyone there seemed entitled selfish assholes that spent most of their time partying and making noise keeping those of us who had exams the next day or had *** to do up all night. Constant fire alarm drills at inconvenient times like 3am because an idiot microwaved a banana or some other nonsense. And the way where the security would try to shame the entire apartment block who was responsible for the act when it was the actions of just a few within the block by asking everyone who lived in that space to put their hands up as this apartment has multiple stories and they were each divided into separate blocks but were all interconnected by a stairwell and elevator. One time my block ended up causing a fire in the kitchen because two my drunk roommates decided it was a great idea to leave the stove on while they went off out. The security made everyone who was associated with that block put their hand up when everyone was shivering outside in the cold at 11 o clock at night but I never did put my hand up and I was confronted by a security person afterwards but I wasn't going to get shamed because of their actions as I already had a hard enough time adjusting as it is. I felt no-one liked me and I felt isolated and I would often waste my money ordering pizza to my room rather than cooking something in the kitchen because I couldn't stand the people I was living with to that extent. Literally, only my girlfriend was the person I could tolerate as she seemed to be the only one who seemed normal and reasonable.

With my ex the apartment I stayed at was nicer compared to the one I just described which was my 2^nd year accommodation and although, I had no shared interests with my roomates they left me alone and sometimes shared nice small talk with me that wasn't too invasive they were also quiet and they never had parties (big bonus). During that time I worked for a gardening centre which sold farming supplies and plants that kind of stuff however, I was on a zero hours contract what that is is basically you aren't expected to work any hours they will simply recruit you when they need work done it's a highly abusable system and for anyone who is in the UK and is a uni student stay away from them. They will screw you as they never gave me any work after the initial first few days... But, as you can probably tell and sorry I am bouncing all over the place chronologically in my script but, I ended up dropping out not because I wasn't good at the course although, I never seemed to get on well with my coursemates even though I didn't really have too many disputes with them (bar one exception)... But, because I simply couldn't support myself financially...

I never want to go back to education again as I have lost all faith

Sorry, this seems all jumbled and all over the place but for the most part at the top is where i am currently at but when you get to the bottom few paragraphs that's where i was a few years ago... I still feel like i can't fit in not even amongst other autists and honestly, i would be ok with that if it didn't feel like i was dragging my partner down with me... It seems at least she seems to be getting better and doing fine since we've been together so it could just be paranoia but, she is everything to me and i want to be able to succeed so she is happy simply because i've accepted the fact that i dunno if can be happy... Everyone seems so impatient and not willing to listen when I feel like I at least try to see the point of view of those who aren't like me because that's how you learn right? You tackle opinions and ideas that you don't necessarily agree with but since everyone is so content to live in their hugbox and with how society seems to be imposing new and more ridiculous social rules on us and how is that fair to anyone like me? I'm not even talking about other autistics but just social introverts in general? It feels suffocating almost like people cannot just have honest conversations with each other without the feelings police looking over their shoulder.... Are you happy? I'm playing the victim i'm giving up i'm putting my sword down i'm a failure thank you i'll take my bow and my leave now... Everyday that passes i feel the world is getting more and more insular and closed off to me and if  anyone else feels the same way i genuinely feel for you...  I hope we all find the answers we are looking for