Just trying to understand myself

Hi guys, thanks for having me on this forum. I'll keep this as brief as possible. I'm not sure if I may have a very high functioning form of autism. I hope I'm just being a hypochondriac, but I just don't understand myself and the world around me and I'm getting quite tired of it all and I'd like to know if there is an answer...

I wonder if it is true based on the following;

-Happy to be alone as a young child for hours at a time.

-Have continuously made faux pas in social scenarios throughout my life - and continue to misjudge situations. I seem to keep "missing" things, signs and body language (I even have a t-shirt about it!).

-In order to get by, I have had to "manually" learn many, many things. I feel like there's always been a "barrier" between me and the world. I have a couple of friends and that's pretty much it.

-People tell my partner that I am really formal. I think that I also pick unusual and strange topics of conversation - although I can't be sure if that's anxiety.

-Display avoidant behaviours when it comes to many basic tasks (such as getting out of my car, going for a shower, completing tasks in work/academia, agreeing to do things my girlfriend wants or sometimes also eating) and I default to not taking responsibility for my behaviour, which drives my partner insane and I don't know why I do it. A possible display of PDA?

-Have genetic history. My cousins (mother's side) have autism.

-I have a repetitive diet, often eating the same meals everyday for months without getting bored - although it does happen eventually.

-Socialising - particularly if extended - is EXHAUSTING to me.

-Scored 37 on the Barren-Cohen autism/aspergers test.

-Struggled to hold down full time employment. In fact, have never really been able to and I am anxious about how I will cope with this in the future as I have been able to put it off until now (29 years old male).

-Academically gifted (Oxford TSA score's words) but I have continuously failed to engage with my academic programmes - attending about five lectures in two years and less thsn twenty in four years (although I still hold a 2:1 degree).

Am I just being crazy?

Thanks in advance for any advice. I know it must be tedious reading all of these kind of posts...!

  • I'd say a lot of what you have written sounds familiar and, although I know only a little about PDA, it does sound like a possibility worth exploring.  

  • I think you are autistic. I think I am autistic.

    Happy to be alone as a young child for hours at a time.

    I always prefer to be alone and I would have been very happy to be alone as a young child. Unfortunately, I was forced to be around people. As in the employment I am forced to be around people all the time. Which is exhausting. I spend the time outside the employment to be alone.

    Have continuously made faux pas in social scenarios throughout my life - and continue to misjudge situations. I seem to keep "missing" things, signs and body language (I even have a t-shirt about it!).

    I am the same. Now I simply avoid social situations altogether. I do not know much the body language. I do not look at people when talking to them.

    In order to get by, I have had to "manually" learn many, many things. I feel like there's always been a "barrier" between me and the world. I have a couple of friends and that's pretty much it.

    The same here, except, I struggle with having any friend.

    People tell my partner that I am really formal. I think that I also pick unusual and strange topics of conversation - although I can't be sure if that's anxiety.

    I am also really formal. In all situations.

    I have a repetitive diet, often eating the same meals everyday for months without getting bored - although it does happen eventually.

    The same here. I love to eat the same food for months without getting bored. Then, eventually, after months of the same food I switch to something else and then months eat that one.

    Socialising - particularly if extended - is EXHAUSTING to me.

    Socializing is also exhausting to me. After, the extended one I often feel completely empty.

    Struggled to hold down full time employment. In fact, have never really been able to and I am anxious about how I will cope with this in the future as I have been able to put it off until now (29 years old male).

    I also struggle in full time employment with several things. I am very unhappy. I am anxious often there. I just keep suffering. My health is going down. I do not know what to do. I have no choice but to keep going until I collapse.

    Academically gifted (Oxford TSA score's words) but I have continuously failed to engage with my academic programmes - attending about five lectures in two years and less thsn twenty in four years (although I still hold a 2:1 degree).

    I was also bright and I still am but I current employment does not care much about autism and almost nothing has been adjusted for autism at all. So, I cannot grow in an environment like that. I feel stuck. I struggled in school and University a lot. Mostly, because of the people around making noises and noises in general everywhere. It was difficult to focus. Often, the places also were too bright. With the right support I would really good.

    It is amazing to read that out there is someone similar to me. When I was younger I thought that I am the only one with the struggles.

    It is helpful to know that I am not the only one.

    You are lucky that you have a partner. I wish I had an understanding and caring partner.

  • Hi NAS37022,

    I've just posted a response to a question similar to yours, so I am going to post that response here too in the hope that it is helpful.  

    This forum is supportive and full of knowledgeable people, you've come to the right place.

    In the meantime, you might find the following links useful:

    You may like to have a look at the following page which includes personal accounts, which may help: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/adult-life/stories.aspx

    NAS All About Diagnosis: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis.aspx

    Furthermore, it is important the professional you see has experience of autism spectrum disorders. You can find details of diagnostic services on our Autism Services Directory in the Assessment and diagnosis section: http://www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx

    It might also be useful to pass on information about autism to health professionals when seeking a diagnosis. The following page includes information for a range of health professionals: http://www.autism.org.uk/Working-with/Health.aspx

    If you have further questions, you may like to contact our Autism Helpline team. They can provide you with information and advice about getting a diagnosis. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm).  Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.

    The NHS also has some pages about Autism Diagnosis for Adults: https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Autism/Pages/Diagnosisinadults.aspx

    Hope this helps,

    Nicky-Mod

  • I like the title of your post ... this is what I was trying to do for years: understand myself. Unfortunately instead of getting answers I was getting more questions. Interestingly I found many answers instantly when started research possibility of having Asperger’s (after scoring 44 on AQ).

    I’m more at peace with myself and it’s only early days but I think I’m going somewhere instead of giving up on myself. Just recently came across a sentence “Too often those with AS get lost in a world of discouragement and damaged self-esteem, and in that world there are few avenues for happiness.”

    I could copy your post change couple things and it would be my story too.

    Thanks for sharing.

  • Thanks everyone for the replies... I hope that - even if I am misguided in going down this avenue - I can at least be confident that the reason I am the way I am isn't down to this... Although on the other hand it would be something of a relief as I would REALLY like to know why I feel like there is this persistent gap between myself and everyone else's view of/approach to the world...