Looking for info and advice

I met my boyfriend online and have known him for 7 years now long distance.  He has visited me in RL twice.  Once for three weeks and another time for two months.  He will be coming for another two months soon and we intend to discuss seriously our relationship and see if it has a future.  We both agree that spending two months together then six months apart is quite hard even though we are not new to long distance.

He lives in the US and I am in Canada.  He has autism.  He signed over as a teen his disability to his mother and has lived with his parents all his life.  He has only a little experience working as a handyman (under the table) for a person who flips houses but he says he couldn’t handle the physical work anymore.  He says his parents told him not to work because then his disability would be gone.  

He is basically a shut in at home and lives his life through video games but he does cook and clean mostly because he likes to live in a clean home.  

When he is with me we go camping, go out for dinner, go on weekend trips and have a lot of fun.  We both agree we live more of a life together.  I work when he visits so he cooks and cleans which is awesome.  

If I had tons of money I wouldn’t hesitate to marry him.  However, I am not that fortunate.  If we married for one year while the permanent application was reviewed he could not work.  He would be a dependent and truthfully my biggest worry is that he will be a dependent for life, not a partner that shares the financial burden.  I am scared he will be like a teenager playing video games. 

He says he wants a job and doesn’t enjoy being couped up at home with no life and no friends.  He wants to have something else to do and help out with the money.  However, after many talks with him every minimum wage no experience job I have suggested he says he can’t do.  Like cashier, waiter, etc.  I understand that has to do with being autistic.  

To marry him it would have to be a huge leap of faith on my part and I would be ruining his disability so it is a lot of weight on my shoulders and a life long commitment that with no info on if he can hold a job down or not.  He did not graduate high school because he can’t pass math.  He is a good guy and in many ways I can’t see the autism but in some ways I can like when we play board games he has difficulty to count in his head many numbers although he likes to be banker and try.  

He has absolutely no money.  However, I have a car, a condo and a job plus savings.  I have to pay for his airplane ticket.  

When we first met online he lied.  Said he had a job, lived with roommates, etc  it was only years later I found out the truth.  

I feel I can’t tell any of my family or friends the truth because they will say dump him.  

So I am reaching out to this group who have experience and asking for advice in helping to make this weighty decision.

Should I marry him or am I crazy.  Most people wouldn’t want to take such a risk.   

Parents
  • You sound like you enjoy the good times with him, but you don't sound truly happy about having to totally support him financially. Traditionally the man is the breadwinner, the work ethic is a deeply entrenched meme, could you truly respect him if it turns out all he could ever be for you is a house husband? 

    He may lack confidence if he grew up with the idea he is unemployable for life, the excuses you mention sound like he is also comfortable not working.

    Perhaps you do need to explore more deeply ways he might be able to make more of a financial cintrcontrib in the future.

  • Hi nexus9 thank you for your reply and effort in responding. 

    I do really enjoy our daily life together when he is visiting.  It feels like I have a fuller life with laughter and adventure which takes away the boredom that can happen when rooted with a job and a house.  We have our arguments of course but we are learning how to understand each other living together.  We both know communication is key and we have experience working out the bumps.

    I am scared to be 100% responsible for the welfare of another human being.  I haven’t always had a job and money in the bank.  I find it hard enough to be 100% responsible for myself.  So in that way I would want to know that if times got tough, when the rubber hit the road that we both would be hustling to earn the money for a roof over our heads.  I feel bad because of society stigma on men I can’t be honest with my family and friends because they do put worth in the man being the provider for sure.  I look back to the 1950’s and when men had the weight of supporting a wife and their kids and wonder how they did that!

    Unfortunately, we can only talk in theory what jobs he could apply for but with no work visa we can’t see if he is hireable.  He can’t multitask and have many task directions told at once. I have had many minimum wage jobs in my life and they all expect you to be a quick learner, multitasker, able to remember a ton of things and be fast.  One time I worked at the cafe in a department store.  It was just me, I had to cook the food, serve the food, cashier and even prepare milkshakes while greeting all the customers for minimum wage.  

    I appreciate everyone’s point of view and the time you all have spent to reply.  Also giving me some great questions to think on.  Thanks so much!

Reply
  • Hi nexus9 thank you for your reply and effort in responding. 

    I do really enjoy our daily life together when he is visiting.  It feels like I have a fuller life with laughter and adventure which takes away the boredom that can happen when rooted with a job and a house.  We have our arguments of course but we are learning how to understand each other living together.  We both know communication is key and we have experience working out the bumps.

    I am scared to be 100% responsible for the welfare of another human being.  I haven’t always had a job and money in the bank.  I find it hard enough to be 100% responsible for myself.  So in that way I would want to know that if times got tough, when the rubber hit the road that we both would be hustling to earn the money for a roof over our heads.  I feel bad because of society stigma on men I can’t be honest with my family and friends because they do put worth in the man being the provider for sure.  I look back to the 1950’s and when men had the weight of supporting a wife and their kids and wonder how they did that!

    Unfortunately, we can only talk in theory what jobs he could apply for but with no work visa we can’t see if he is hireable.  He can’t multitask and have many task directions told at once. I have had many minimum wage jobs in my life and they all expect you to be a quick learner, multitasker, able to remember a ton of things and be fast.  One time I worked at the cafe in a department store.  It was just me, I had to cook the food, serve the food, cashier and even prepare milkshakes while greeting all the customers for minimum wage.  

    I appreciate everyone’s point of view and the time you all have spent to reply.  Also giving me some great questions to think on.  Thanks so much!

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