Published on 12, July, 2020
I met my boyfriend online and have known him for 7 years now long distance. He has visited me in RL twice. Once for three weeks and another time for two months. He will be coming for another two months soon and we intend to discuss seriously our relationship and see if it has a future. We both agree that spending two months together then six months apart is quite hard even though we are not new to long distance.
He lives in the US and I am in Canada. He has autism. He signed over as a teen his disability to his mother and has lived with his parents all his life. He has only a little experience working as a handyman (under the table) for a person who flips houses but he says he couldn’t handle the physical work anymore. He says his parents told him not to work because then his disability would be gone.
He is basically a shut in at home and lives his life through video games but he does cook and clean mostly because he likes to live in a clean home.
When he is with me we go camping, go out for dinner, go on weekend trips and have a lot of fun. We both agree we live more of a life together. I work when he visits so he cooks and cleans which is awesome.
If I had tons of money I wouldn’t hesitate to marry him. However, I am not that fortunate. If we married for one year while the permanent application was reviewed he could not work. He would be a dependent and truthfully my biggest worry is that he will be a dependent for life, not a partner that shares the financial burden. I am scared he will be like a teenager playing video games.
He says he wants a job and doesn’t enjoy being couped up at home with no life and no friends. He wants to have something else to do and help out with the money. However, after many talks with him every minimum wage no experience job I have suggested he says he can’t do. Like cashier, waiter, etc. I understand that has to do with being autistic.
To marry him it would have to be a huge leap of faith on my part and I would be ruining his disability so it is a lot of weight on my shoulders and a life long commitment that with no info on if he can hold a job down or not. He did not graduate high school because he can’t pass math. He is a good guy and in many ways I can’t see the autism but in some ways I can like when we play board games he has difficulty to count in his head many numbers although he likes to be banker and try.
He has absolutely no money. However, I have a car, a condo and a job plus savings. I have to pay for his airplane ticket.
When we first met online he lied. Said he had a job, lived with roommates, etc it was only years later I found out the truth.
I feel I can’t tell any of my family or friends the truth because they will say dump him.
So I am reaching out to this group who have experience and asking for advice in helping to make this weighty decision.
Should I marry him or am I crazy. Most people wouldn’t want to take such a risk.
My advice would be: think about the worst this can turn out (e.g. partner never gets a job, stays at home playing video games, you have to support him) and ask yourself whether you would still go ahead and marry him. If you would marry him under the worst possible outcome, you probably want to marry him badly enough to give it a go.
You might want to also think about how you will cope with having all of the responsibility and in all likelihood not much support, and I am not talking financial support here. He doesn't sound like the kind of person you will be able to lean on if you start to feel the strain.
Of course everyone's situation is different. This is just based on my experience as someone who had a househusband who didn't contribute much to the relationship. In our case I am the one with Aspergers. The marriage broke down after 1.5 years, basically when I realised that all I was getting out of it a lot of the time was more work, and more responsibility, which I never asked for. When I was struggling, he either didn't notice, or didn't want to admit he noticed because then he might have to do something about it. And mine had a job when we started .... but showed little inclination to get another one.
I hope that didn't sound too negative. I guess what I am trying to say is if you go into it, go into it with your eyes wide open and I wish you the very best with whatever you decide to do.