Published on 12, July, 2020
I met my boyfriend online and have known him for 7 years now long distance. He has visited me in RL twice. Once for three weeks and another time for two months. He will be coming for another two months soon and we intend to discuss seriously our relationship and see if it has a future. We both agree that spending two months together then six months apart is quite hard even though we are not new to long distance.
He lives in the US and I am in Canada. He has autism. He signed over as a teen his disability to his mother and has lived with his parents all his life. He has only a little experience working as a handyman (under the table) for a person who flips houses but he says he couldn’t handle the physical work anymore. He says his parents told him not to work because then his disability would be gone.
He is basically a shut in at home and lives his life through video games but he does cook and clean mostly because he likes to live in a clean home.
When he is with me we go camping, go out for dinner, go on weekend trips and have a lot of fun. We both agree we live more of a life together. I work when he visits so he cooks and cleans which is awesome.
If I had tons of money I wouldn’t hesitate to marry him. However, I am not that fortunate. If we married for one year while the permanent application was reviewed he could not work. He would be a dependent and truthfully my biggest worry is that he will be a dependent for life, not a partner that shares the financial burden. I am scared he will be like a teenager playing video games.
He says he wants a job and doesn’t enjoy being couped up at home with no life and no friends. He wants to have something else to do and help out with the money. However, after many talks with him every minimum wage no experience job I have suggested he says he can’t do. Like cashier, waiter, etc. I understand that has to do with being autistic.
To marry him it would have to be a huge leap of faith on my part and I would be ruining his disability so it is a lot of weight on my shoulders and a life long commitment that with no info on if he can hold a job down or not. He did not graduate high school because he can’t pass math. He is a good guy and in many ways I can’t see the autism but in some ways I can like when we play board games he has difficulty to count in his head many numbers although he likes to be banker and try.
He has absolutely no money. However, I have a car, a condo and a job plus savings. I have to pay for his airplane ticket.
When we first met online he lied. Said he had a job, lived with roommates, etc it was only years later I found out the truth.
I feel I can’t tell any of my family or friends the truth because they will say dump him.
So I am reaching out to this group who have experience and asking for advice in helping to make this weighty decision.
Should I marry him or am I crazy. Most people wouldn’t want to take such a risk.
Hi nexus9 thank you for your reply and effort in responding.
I do really enjoy our daily life together when he is visiting. It feels like I have a fuller life with laughter and adventure which takes away the boredom that can happen when rooted with a job and a house. We have our arguments of course but we are learning how to understand each other living together. We both know communication is key and we have experience working out the bumps.
I am scared to be 100% responsible for the welfare of another human being. I haven’t always had a job and money in the bank. I find it hard enough to be 100% responsible for myself. So in that way I would want to know that if times got tough, when the rubber hit the road that we both would be hustling to earn the money for a roof over our heads. I feel bad because of society stigma on men I can’t be honest with my family and friends because they do put worth in the man being the provider for sure. I look back to the 1950’s and when men had the weight of supporting a wife and their kids and wonder how they did that!
Unfortunately, we can only talk in theory what jobs he could apply for but with no work visa we can’t see if he is hireable. He can’t multitask and have many task directions told at once. I have had many minimum wage jobs in my life and they all expect you to be a quick learner, multitasker, able to remember a ton of things and be fast. One time I worked at the cafe in a department store. It was just me, I had to cook the food, serve the food, cashier and even prepare milkshakes while greeting all the customers for minimum wage.
I appreciate everyone’s point of view and the time you all have spent to reply. Also giving me some great questions to think on. Thanks so much!
That is a great question to ask him moggsy. Thanks for the suggestion. He assures me he wants to find work but if I asked him to imagine if he couldn’t find work and I couldn’t support him what would he do. I am interested in hearing that answer.
I agree, it is not about the amount he makes at work since he is not skilled or has experience so I am sure whatever job he finds it will be minimum wage. It just means to me security and a financial safety net that we together can make it through tough times.
It has endured 7 years long distance without me having to be responsible for his living costs. I do feel we both have learned a lot about communication and how to get through bumpy times in our relationship and to not look at the green grass. We know our faults and where we match and where we don’t. I am not the lovey dovey type but when he was visiting through his actions I felt loved by him because he cared and was considerate.
he is very embarrassed about his situation of living at home. It can’t be good for his self esteem.
I think it is cool that your partner is doing a job that was a childhood dream. Not many can say they followed the path they had since they were 5 years old. I think passion for your job trumps wage. I would rather love my job and make less.
You sound like you enjoy the good times with him, but you don't sound truly happy about having to totally support him financially. Traditionally the man is the breadwinner, the work ethic is a deeply entrenched meme, could you truly respect him if it turns out all he could ever be for you is a house husband?
He may lack confidence if he grew up with the idea he is unemployable for life, the excuses you mention sound like he is also comfortable not working.
Perhaps you do need to explore more deeply ways he might be able to make more of a financial cintrcontrib in the future.
It sounds like there is a lot that you love about your relationship, and it has endured for 7 years which must say something. You said you were going to have a serious conversation with him about where your relationship was going; if money is the main concern, perhaps just ask him for an honest answer to the question "if you moved in and circumstances meant that I was finding it very difficult to support both of us, what would you do?"
I will also point out that my partner now does work (very hard) but earns a lot less than me. Not from a lack of effort, but because the job he choose simply doesn't pay well ..... but it is the job he wanted to do since 5 years old. This I don't mind at all and it doesn't cause any problems. As I see it, he is contributing as much (time, effort) as me to the family resources, it's just the way it is that my chosen career pays quite well and his not so much. What I am trying to say is it's not always just the money (tho more money coming in helps of course!), it's the sense of both parties making an equal effort
Thank you Trainspotter for your reply and effort in responding.
I am not happy having to pay for his ticket and food when he visits but I have such a good time when he visits that I don’t mind in the long run.
haha the sweetness has worn off. I see many of his faults and don’t feel that doe eyed feeling with him. But I totally understand what you are talking about and I think it is a great question. He is very caring and makes me laugh often. I was sick and he took care of me. I enjoy the companionship and like to make decisions about finances anyways.
I hold no grudge for the lies he told me because I know how hard it is to be truthful. Their is a negative response usually if you say I live with my parents or I don’t have a job people think you unworthy. I have been unemployed before and it is hard meeting new people.
I don’t like to clean and cook so having him do that is wonderful and if I had a very good paying job I honestly wouldn’t care but I am con cerned about finances and having to be responsible fully because life is not always easy and there may be a day down the road when I don’t have work and I would like a partner who I could rely on.
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Thank you moggsy for your reply and effort in responding.
I think the critic of society about having a husband who doesn’t work and provide may have an effect on how I feel. Like I know if I told family and friends they would tell me not to be with him. Doesn’t feel good I can’t be upfront with them.
I appreciate your thoughts and don’t see them as negative. I feel I do get something, left to my own I keep a messy house and don’t eat properly. He cooks and cleans which helps my home life. He also is caring and looked after me when sick. We also go camping and get out to have fun. I think he has used video games as an escape.
so it sincerely only comes down to financial being my only hold back.
thank you for your insight.
I am not sure what to do. I understand I am the only one who can make this decision but I really appreciate the input.
My advice would be: think about the worst this can turn out (e.g. partner never gets a job, stays at home playing video games, you have to support him) and ask yourself whether you would still go ahead and marry him. If you would marry him under the worst possible outcome, you probably want to marry him badly enough to give it a go.
You might want to also think about how you will cope with having all of the responsibility and in all likelihood not much support, and I am not talking financial support here. He doesn't sound like the kind of person you will be able to lean on if you start to feel the strain.
Of course everyone's situation is different. This is just based on my experience as someone who had a househusband who didn't contribute much to the relationship. In our case I am the one with Aspergers. The marriage broke down after 1.5 years, basically when I realised that all I was getting out of it a lot of the time was more work, and more responsibility, which I never asked for. When I was struggling, he either didn't notice, or didn't want to admit he noticed because then he might have to do something about it. And mine had a job when we started .... but showed little inclination to get another one.
I hope that didn't sound too negative. I guess what I am trying to say is if you go into it, go into it with your eyes wide open and I wish you the very best with whatever you decide to do.
I couldn't advise anyone whether they should or should not marry someone.
However, I think you should weigh things up and ask yourself some questions.
Are you happy with the arrangement you have? Do you find it fulfilling? Does it give you what you want?
Are you satisfied with it you having to put in all the effort, and expense, into him to visit you?
How do you think marriage would change him?
Although money isn't everything, it can lead to a lot of arguments and problems. When the sweetness of the relationship has worn off (and it will!) will there be enough there for you to maintain the relationship afterwards?
Seeing someone occasionally often gives a relationship some sort of 'buzz' the taste of a forbidden fruit, when your mind will work overtime considering how good you want it to be. Are you 'in love' with the idea of being in love, or do you actually love this person for what he is and would like to spend the rest of your life with him?
As someone who has had a marriage break down, I know how hard it can hit someone when a relationship breaks down. And seriously consider whether you can put up with the lies he has told. My first wife, with whom I was married for 25 years, came back with things I had said before we were married when my marriage was breaking up. By getting married, you really should agree to put all that behind you, not have it festering ready to re-infect your relationship in the future.
I am writing this as an autistic person myself, who was married to a non-autistic wife. I realise how difficult it can be for someone autistic to get employment. So ask yourself if having a housespouse will be ok with you?
A marriage like this can I am sure work. But without considering all the possibilities you will be increasing the chances of failure which would be the worse possible outcome in my opinion.
Best wishes, and hope you reach the decision that you will think is the right one.