Looking for Advice

Hello everyone. I am new in the community and I hope this is the right place to ask these questions.

I am a 30y.o. man and I have been wondering for years whether I might be on the autism-spectrum, albeit high-performing. I come from a very low-income and uneducated family who always avoided psychological guidance like poison. So I was wondering if it is common for adults to not be diagnosed early in life, and if it is possible to self-refer for a diagnosis though a GP (in the UK). Also, I would like some opinions from people who have come across similar experiences as mine, to see if they relate of if this is just a paranoia of mine.

I know autistic conditions are a very serious matter and I hope my question does not come off as inappropriate. I fear I might just be someone who is projecting his issues on a much more serious field. But I cannot sustain the doubt anymore, and I keep seeing the same patterns in my behaviour over and over. So I am hoping for some compassionate feedback. I am going to summarize my experiences here in case anyone wants to help me interpret them. I am not seeking for a diagnosis online, obviously, but some external and informed perspectives would be good. I apologise in advance if this post becomes too long.

So please stop here if you wish to reply just to my general questions without going into my personal details.

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Here goes the long summary:

I have always been socially-awkward, inclined to seeing patterns in things and people, and to retreating into my own imagination. This helped me achieve good academic results and I am currently pursuing a PhD. My life seems formally on the right track but I am finding it harder and harder to relate to people and maintain 'normal' life skills, because I have a need to see 'order' where there seems to be none. Responding to unexpected commitments and problems, complying with others' schedules, and maintaining a flexible timetable are profoundly upsetting experiences for me. I am perfectly able to do those things, but the emotional repercussions (anger, disgust, even spite) do not go away and are possibly increasing.

I have also been experiencing depression for four years (or more). So this might be distorting my judgment. This condition has been caused by an unstable family condition and worsened by financial difficulties. But I have frequently wondered if my anxiety and depression are also related to my inability to connect and my constant need to analyse patterns: when I see structures coming apart, I get very nervous and angry, and later on completely despondent. I find it hard to receive emotional support on this because nobody seems to understand what really upsets me. People tend to just say that that's how life is, and I grow even angrier and their widespread acceptance of pure chaos.

Here are some common behaviours and feelings of mine that make me suspect I might be on the spectrum. I find it hard to understand when people are joking or using sarcasm, and I get really confused (or angry or despondent) when they are vague. I can understand those things, but it takes me conscious reflection, and people have often noticed it (they remark on me not getting what they mean, or they sneer and roll their eyes). I have been told that I tend to be very outspoken about people, although I never really noticed and I think of myself as nice and honest. People often tell me I am strange or unusual in my behaviours and habits as well. However, I am capable of being compassionate and people do seek me for comfort at times, because I am always nice and non-judgmental (albeit outspoken) and because I am good at analysing situations. I find social situations very stressful and I try to avoid any event that includes more than 5 or 6 people. However, I am capable of attending such events and I even have fun at parties or (with some difficulty) dancing events. I form very close and selective connections with few people, so their presence encourages me to do things that would otherwise upset me. But every time I go out, no matter how much fun I had, I feel drained and I have obsessive afterthoughts and regrets afterwards. I always put up a mask to interact with people, namely I analyse their behaviours and create a persona that suits the situation; I am seldom capable to act spontaneously. I am spontaneous (and I relate) only when I talk about dreams, plots from books and movies, philosophy, or other theories. Small talk feels artificial and faked. I used to enjoy drama and role-playing games, but even those are difficult for me to pursue with novel groups of people.

I also have a tendency to see patterns. I mean it quite literally, I visualise things very intensely and I find subtle connections with an easiness that most people find surprising. Sometimes I see patterns as moving. People have remarked on my visual mode of thinking repeatedly. I also have a very strong memory, which usually surfaces in a quasi-visual way. I dream very vividly and a few times sleep-images have appeared in my waking life (just after waking up, though - no persistent hallucinations). During my studies and PhD I have come to 'see' connections among textual elements or among images (I work on imagery) with increased frequency. My best thesis chapters are works that tease out very elaborate structural connections that had gone totally unnoticed (to my dismay, because they are vivid to me). The upsetting part is that, when things don't connect I find it emotionally and physically upsetting (it's like an itch). When things connect, I find like a compulsion to work out the full extent of their connection. But I also get bored quickly: once a puzzle is solved, I crave for a new one, i.e. for broader intellectual connections. People have also remarked, often, on my tendency to want everything to fit perfectly. I have a very physical urge for completeness, symmetry and balance.

So here are my physical or behavioural symptoms. I have physically displayed a tendecy to over-organise things. I like them to be symmetrical, centred and balanced. E.g. I get upset at half-closed cupboard doors. I play at balancing things and while people find it strange, they also find it funny (I love when they relate to the fun). On the other hand, I can be very messy. When I am incapable of keeping things in perfect order, I prefer to ignore them and I just let confusion increase, until I am not able to ignore it anymore and I go through an organising spree. My memory selectively filters out everything that feels disorderly. Connections of sounds also feel fascinating; I love to invent words and when I am very stressed I sing or mutter nonsensical word-associations. I also feel bodily discomfort at sensations that feel wrong. I tend to keep my tactile sensations (heat, texture, pressure) as symmetrical as possible. I often feel the urge to squeeze my face, hands, bend and squeeze my arms etc. I have always rejected a lot of foods because of their texture or temperature. I can suppress these behaviours because they are socially awkward, and in fact they were a huge cause of derision in my adolescence. Throughout the years I have trained myself to ignore these urges, but it takes enormous effort of self-distraction. When in situation where I can't distract, the obsessiveness kicks in again.

This pile of difficulties and my tendency to feel comfortable and valued only in very specific situations (studying, talking about specific subjects with selected friends) have become very difficult to manage, once I started to live on my own five years ago. But again, maybe I'm just piling up all my negative experiences just because I'm depressed. I see a correlation between them and depression, but I don't know which caused which.

I have tried an online test on a website that seems reliable ('aspergers test site') and the scoring definitely suggested I should get a medical test.

As I said, I'm not looking for a diagnosis here. Still, some feedback would be nice. Does it look like I am exaggerating things, or is there a reasonable chance that these might be serious symptoms?