Hi, my name is Neikka, I got my formal diagnosis of autism last week and I guess I'm looking for answers and a way through this, to be me, and to connect with other people who are just like me.
Hi Neikka, I have only just joined as well. I am currently waiting to be assessed and so are my 2 boys. I hope you find comfort in this place, I know I have already
Thank you Lone and yes, I have already found great comfort in just one day. Best wishes with yours and your boys assessments. I have to say my experience was a good one. My gp made the referral, no problem, and after my first appointment with the psychiatrist, he said he wouldn't put me on the waiting list for the assessment as that would take too long and he could see that I was in great need of support so he made me an appointment there and then by giving me his very next available slot. The hardest part was the last two weeks after I had expected the results. They took a little longer and that really was the hardest part I think. I felt a great sense of confidence just by asking for the assessment. I felt very proud of myself and it was a sign to me that I was prepared to do whatever it took to help me take control of my life and create a lifestyle that would benefit me.
Yes, I had a bit of a look through some of the discussion forums yesterday, I was overjoyed with delight, I felt like all my christmases had come at once when I saw questions being discussed that I had been asking myself and when I read the responses, it was so soothing, knowing other people feel the same way. It's such a huge relief to me and just knowing you guys are here provides me with a level of comfort and support that I honestly never thought I would ever experience. I thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, in fact, I was beginning to think I wasn't even capable of experiencing a connection to anybody, ever. This is a huge huge milestone in my life, I can feel connected and there are people who can support me. This has changed my life overnight. Honestly, yesterday morning I wanted to kill myself, I thought I had lost my chance of connecting to anybody when my family basically rejected me, but now I am connected in a way I never thought possible for me. I thought us autistics were destined to a life of being alone and never making connections but I was wrong and I've never been so pleased to be wrong. I can't thank you all enough.
The rejection and isolation can be overwhelming at times so here is definitely a refuge from that. But you will also find people retreat into the background when either the forum or Life becomes too much and we need to quietly recharge our batteries. Yes I found lightbulb moments popping up all the time intitially. And as you say a huge relief to find people who understood and accepted each other.
Oh yes, I am so grateful to have the opportunity to isolate, retreat and recharge my batteries and never again will I compromise this because even just 'life', without much going on, can exhaust and overwhelm me. And yes, I honestly wasn't expecting all these lightbulb moments, it's amazing. I'm a very excitable person anyway, but this is different, it's like with every light bulb moment I get, I grow up a little, or actually a lot. For example, I was hurt by what appeared to me to be rejection from my family, and in one sense, it was a form of rejection but after the overwhelm I experienced, a few days later, and the complete lack of understanding as to what was going on, I journaled about it and cried for help, then I found this site and I was somehow magically able to recognise what the meltdown was all about. I was able to let go of my fairy tale fantasy of wanting to be part of my family, but not only that, wanting my family to suddenly be like the Walton's or something and not only that, I was able to see how much love, support and attention they have given me over the years. My god, they did their absolute best with my tantrums and meltdowns, my violent and aggressive behaviour, my weird behaviour, eating issues, clothing issues etc etc etc, I could go on forever. I know what people mean now when they say we can't put ourselves in other people's shoes, but I have. It's so liberating. I know I can only maintain this level of awareness through spending most of my time alone but that's ok, that's how I like it anyway and it means that with this new level of awareness, love and compassion, I actually feel more connected to people than ever. It would be nice for my family to understand why I can't spend a lot of time with them etc but I understand I have probably worn them out over the years. Usually I let myself run off with good feelings etc but this time I feel calm. It's like I know my limitations and I know what nourishes me and with all this new knowledge and awareness and this awesome group, I know I can create a life for me that might not look much to other people, but for a girl who's been walking around in a fog all her life, being assaulted from all directions, like a pin ball in the game, this is more than I could have ever wished for. I am finally honouring me. Yes, maybe a little part of me will always wish I was like other people, meaning nt's, but I look at their lives and very few are really happy and when I'm alone, knowing I have you guys and knowing who I am and accepting me, I really couldn't be happier. I honestly never thought I would find this level of happiness and contentment, I didn't think it was possible, although I dreamed of it, but I was dreaming through the eyes of a nt and I'm not neurotypical, I'm autistic, and that means my life is going to look different to theirs if I'm going to be happy and be me and now I have my diagnosis, now I know who I am, I can accept me and that brings about the best happiness I could ever wish for. Thank you all so much for being here. X
Knowing your limitations and knowing what nourishes you, honouring and accepting yourself, the feeling of at last knowing who you are.. are all really positive things. I’m working on them! I hope your enthusiasm and joy remain and that sustains you.
Well it's a work in progress, this is all new to me and I'm learning to accept where I am now and that where I want to be might seem a long way away, but I'm only ever going to get there by taking one step at a time and every step I take is a step closer. I never had this before because I didn't know where I was going. This level of enthusiasm and joy isn't constant and isn't required to be, I couldn't cope with that, lol, so I'm working on it being a little bit more subdued so it is sustained. I'm finding my balance.