Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry in advance, but this is going to be a fairly pessimistic post.
I've hit that point that I have named 'the wall of despair'. I've only recently had a diagnosis, so in the past, when I hit this point, I end up circling down a dark hole that is very difficult to climb out of.
My 'ways' as they are often termed, have cost me so much over the years and it has taken a massive toll on my health and well-being at times. My life has been spent working endlessly to fit in and navigate obstacle after obstacle. I work hard so that I can have a successful career that helps take away the stresses of paying bills and having a roof over my head, but it all comes at a cost. I become exhausted, overwhelmed, as well as being physically and mentally burnt out.
Recently I have had to cope with a number of changes and knee jerks at work and I don't know if it is directly related, but all aspects of life just seem totally overwhelming to me. Every task that needs completing, bill that needs paying, food that needs prepping is one more thing pushing me closer to snapping. The result is that I am constantly miserable, snappy, over sensitive and constantly fatigued. My partner, bless him, tolerates it well, but it's not fair on either of us.
Today I reached that point which I try to avoid at all costs. I am not an emotional person at all and rarely express emotion, however, today the flood gates opened where you go from nothing to feeling everything in full volume pure high definition. This means my anxiety levels soar, my heart rate rises, I get pains in my chest and am on the verge of tears and the only way I know how to deal with it to stop me having a complete emotional breakdown, is to run away from whatever situation I am in. As a result, I have walked out of the office today as I couldn't cope with it.
I've reached that point in my life where I am tired of constantly having to go round and round in this pattern. I am good at my job, but me reacting in this way and making myself ill has cost me one career and I am starting to think I am hanging on to my current one by a thread. Maybe I am not in-tune with what my body and mind is doing, but I always seem to lose when it comes to preventing hitting this stage. When I get this bad, I become very emotional over everything, my anxiety levels go crazy and I become depressed. I have been told countless times that life is tough, but you just have to get on with it, but when you are fighting against something that leaves you broken, how damaged do you have to become before you can fight no more?
The situation I now find myself in is feeling hopeless and vulnerable and I hate not having the answer that will solve it.
Have you had to have similar fights and what do you do to help you put the boxing gloves back on and go back into the ring?
Hey there, ended up with a bad bout of depression and anxiety back at the tail end of 2015. Overall my medication change wasn't THAT much but we had to split the dose of my antidepressant and I'm on the Pill to deal with the perimenopausal mood swings.
Getting over the acute stuff was hell. Quite literally using my OCD traits to my advantage by doing the activities of daily living in very precise and predetermined ways. Accepting that I had to run with the somatic symptoms and sleep several hours in the middle of the day because of the muscle fatigue.
My GPs biggest worry other than my sudden catestropic drop in mood was my rapid weight loss, 12 kg in 3 months.
I'm fortunate my family understand mental illness and I was wrapped up in their loving support. My partner kind of intellectually knew that was how things work in my family but he got to see it in full force and with him as a vital part of the network. At one point I was not that competent at decision making and my Mum made it clear he was best placed to know my likely choices.
The thing I learned, you got to accept help. And us neurodiverse people get scared because we've been let down so often. We also struggle to know what help we need. I find Maslow's Hierarchy a good starting point. When ill I need the bottom end stuff.
I'm not likely to ever fully recover. My strength and resilience has been compromised. That's been tough. But I have also made a commitment to regular exercise and that's been therapeutic...and cheaper than therapy