I am so unhappy at the moment. The reason is money, to be specific budgeting!! I am so rubbish at it, (I am on the benefits system AGAIN!) I make the same mistakes over and over again. (Decade after bloody decade!! Fortnight after Fortnight!!) End up running out of money, and having to either borrow some money or sell something (like a junkie.) Its like a OCD thing, a compulsion to wreck things financially whenever I can.
The problem is I am now feeling so low, negative and wishing I was dead. Is this common with people who have Aspergers syndrome? I want to cry, I want to die, I want to poke myself in the eye. I don't self harm other than over-eating, or eating food that upsets my bowels and stomach.
Do you know is this is something I can be cured of? It does not bode well for a good future for me, yet I am positive it is a brain malfunction thing. I so want to do better, I just can't I don't know how. It is so damn frustrating, it is driving me to tears literally!!!
Am I the only one who suffers like this? Where should I turn to for help with this? Can anyone really help me??
Hey there. First of all it is bloody hard to live on a benefit whatever way you say it and whatever country you are in.
Secondly, go speak to your GP if you are depressed like this - depression is commonly comorbid with ASD. Yes us ND get funny reactions to medications but if you persist hopefully you will find the best one for you (I have tried 7 meds and still have a cluster of side effects, but I can live with them)
Thirdly, if you haven't gone to a budgeting service, do it. You might learn very little but you might also pick up some useful tips.
Hey Quirky friend, thanks for the reply. I have something about my brain that makes it so I can't budget, I just can't do it.
Here is my trick for my impulsive ADHD stepdaughter. Pay bills first take out the rest in cash and only pay by cash. She went from risky debt to savings by doing this, anything she didn't spend was saved.
Seriously go to a budgeting advisor. It can help immensely.
I understand it in theory, but in reality, I just lose control. I have so crazy idea that it will work out somehow. It's like I never learn and I can never learn, my Quirky Friend.
Hi, part of my job is budgeting for business purposes. I have always had an obsession with numbers, so it is the right career path for me.
Anyhow, first pay all of your bills, take out half of what you have left in cash then make a list for dinners and use the list to make a grocery list. Add stuff you normally stock up on like sugar, coffee, stuff to make sandwiches for lunch. Check over the list and ask yourself about each item if it is a necessity, if not, cross it off and make a wants list. Only go back to the wants list when you have saved a little money and are capable of buying a few wants. This way you can then prioritize your wants and buy them as a reward for yourswlf one at a time. You will find that you no longer wants some of them and permanently cross them off, others you will find a way to stash a little money here and there to save for that want. Then when you go to the store, only ALLOW yourself to buy stuff already on the NEEDS list. Budgeting comes down to self control. Make rules for yourself, write them down and post them on the fridge if you have to!
QuirkyFriend Wrote: said:Yes us ND get funny reactions to medications but if you persist hopefully you will find the best one for you (I have tried 7 meds and still have a cluster of side effects, but I can live with them)
I profoundly, but respectfully, disagree with any idea that meds are a first line of response to depression. They are useful in some situations for some people but they can be singularly ineffective in some people with ASD. Depression is not necessarily a result of brain chemistry but it can be a very rational response to the hard life that one has as a result of ASD. Social isolation and the ingrained misery of living on benefits can lead one to depression without the involvement of any bad brain chemistry. Please read all of this as an "it depends" thing - meds work brilliantly for some people with ASD but they are not the right answer for a lot of other people.
My personal views are highly coloured by what happened to my father who, in hindsight, was an undiagnosed autistic person. He was on meds for many years because of depression and there seemed to be no alternative. His life ended with Alzheimers and there is a suspicion (my GP agreed with my suspicion) that meds might have had something to do with that ending. Long term use of mind altering substances (meds, tobacco, weed etc etc) is always going to be an experiment on yourself.
The alternative to meds is to "change your mind" by challenging yourself to think differently about the world and your part in its downfall. If you accept that you can only ever know a fraction of what can be known, that you are not perfect but instead you are OK and that you are an entirely acceptably decent person with decent ideas and decent morals etc then you might be a bit less unhappy with your situation.
My experience of depression was that I became a zombie after years of undiagnosed autism and the resultant conflict and lack of progress in my working life. I was on a relentless loop of working for managers that I did not understand and I ended up in the GP surgery in what I recognise now to be a bad state of depression. The recognition that it could be ASD that had brought about this state of affairs became the key that unlocked an acceptance that I was different to other people. There are lots of things that are well known about autism and I have used that to understand how I can still be different but avoid the relentless conflict and clattering about that went on for the previous 50+ years. I have turned that into a useful circumscribed interest and am now fascinated by studying people and how I can accept myself for what I am and accept them (most, but not all of them mind) for what they are.
These are just my views. They are incomplete and they may well be different to anyone else reading them but this is what I think from my limited experience and life on earth so far.
Hi Hendrow. Try focusing on something else you like doing and do that when you feel low. It could be going for a walk, reading a book, play a sport. In the meantime what you can do is focus your efforts in job searching. Use the internet etc. it breaks your day up, doesn't cost anything and will hopefully lead to something better. There is also a great autism website called Autism Plus and they support people on the spectrum to find a job. Hope it helps.
I agree. I was in a spiral of depression in my 20's. I had to decide to never go back the dark place as I call it. Any time I feel low, I come up with options to improve my predictament. Sometimes I write them down. Working towards solving a problem refocuses your brain and life doesn't feel so dark.
I agree that it is good if you realise that you are in a position to exercise choice and make a conscious decision to go forwards rather than backwards.
One thing though, we have gone a bit off topic by talking about depression. Hendrow, do you recognise yourself as being depressed (i.e. the diagnosable condition rather than just feeling a bit sad)? We have, kind of, jumped to that conclusion but you may have other thoughts?
I think this piece speaks for itself . . .
I hope it also speaks for others.
Down it pressed
18 October 2013 at 18:49
Down it pressed, 2013 revised version (originally written in February 2007.)
I need to be with those of my own kind, of the same mind,
They are not easy to find, in this day and time,
I need to be understood, for my own good,
Like I thought they would, like I know they should,
I need to see what there is to gain,
Learn to lose the pain, break the chain,
Not go insane, see that my life is not in vain,
There is a chemical storm in my brain,
I feel like I am nothing just end the pain,
Cos’ I am not bluffing, I will not feign
Can you decide what I feel inside?
I have lost my purpose and sacrificed my pride,
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I try to cry,
But I can’t even weep,
I have never known a pain so deep,
That makes me wish my heart would not beat,
Down in the dirt, boy do I hurt, what is my life worth?
You go first, it can’t get any worse, prepare the hearse,
What I feel is surely real, don’t make a meal,
Get on an even keel, what’s the big deal?
What? Who is faking, what profit am I making?
My heart, soul, mind, and body aching,
Life-taking, sleep or waking,
Man-trapping, kidnapping, what is happening?
Strength-sapping, no foot tapping or hand clapping,
I am not in to bloodletting, I do know though, about sweating,
Fretting, friend vetting, betting you deserve the bad you are getting,
So, when I fell to the ground did it make a sound?
It didn't - that’s why there is no-one around,
But when I think back, I can’t quite be sure,
Am I alone because I won’t answer the door,
Won’t open the post, or pick up the phone,
Won’t talk to anyone – Why am I alone?
Is this a disease? bringing me to my knees?
I need to know . . . . . someone, help me please,
Paranoia, and anxiety, my brain is just a complexity,
You are annoyed at my inactivity, the wasting of my ability,
I live and dwell in complacency, you show that you are vexed with me,
That reinforces my insecurity, and bolsters my negativity,
Multiplying the agony, and you thought that you were helping me?
You might decide to just leave me be? This was part of my history,
My name, is . . . . . . . . . . Hendrow Christie, and I beat it, not it beat me.