I feel that the universe, life, whatever you want to call it, just hates me and I feel like everything is punishing me. I've had so many weeks where things are either bad or terrible. I have several assignments due and I feel that I'm not going to get the marks I want. People always seem cross or mad when I'm around. I feel like I'm saying and doing everything wrong. Every time I open my mouth, it always feels like gibberish is coming out. People who have made my life a living nightmare and are living like kings with everything going right for them and then there's me, someone who can't even get by. My parents, two ignorant idiots who used me and my DLA for their own benefits still treat me like I'm the idiot. They used my DLA, what could have been used for my exams, for therapy for my mental health problems, but they bought themselves luxuries that they don't even need. Apparently, a new TV is more important to them. My parents have never listened to me. I want to scream at them but no matter what I say, they will either choose to not listen, or make me feel like I'm in the wrong. I talked to my mum today and all I wanted to do was scream at her for making me feel so ashamed and useless. My father was emotional abusive and my mum went along with it. His anger issues meant that he took his anger out on me when he was in a bad mood, even laughing too loudly was enough to make him cross. My mum was no better, during certain times of the months, she took her anger out on me, and yet I wasn't even allowed to feel that emotion. They talked me out of attending my graduation, something that I feel so ashamed for missing. I have the chance to graduate with my Masters but I still feel ashamed that I missed this because of them. They forced me to talk yet when I wanted and needed to, they shut me down.
I am so sick of people trying to control me. To telling me to smile and be happy when all I feel like doing is screaming from the top of my lungs telling everyone that my life is ***. I can't even tell anybody, I tried reaching out to other mental health sites and nobody responded, all because I told them that I was autistic. I am so sick of living with this curse on my shoulders that punishes me for everything I say and do. I feel like I can't breathe, everyday achievements are difficult to reach. I was forced to do things my several people like drive and get a job when I wasn't ready and I feel people look down at me because of it. People have verbally and physically abused me everywhere I went and I feel like I'm not in control of anything. My life is rubbish. I don't want to smile, I can't. I'm not happy, nothing has gotten any better.
I can't help being quiet. My autism makes me. I can talk to people but its so hard to keep up with conversations. Its hard to go outside some days. I can't go out somewhere and meet someone without feeling ashamed about what I said and did. Going out just to run an errand and back emotionally drains me. What takes some people a few minutes to do can sometimes take me hours. I had an anxiety attack the other night and I just wanted to die because I feel like my life isn't getting any better. I keep telling myself that when I leave home, when I graduate from here, it will, but it doesn't.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Please tell me someone else feels this? Please, does someone out there feel this way about their autism too?
You are not alone. I can identify with much of what you say.
Much of my past life is *** and my parents had more emotional problems than me. And blamed me forvtheir problems just because I was around.
I also have great difficulty with making a connection with people or building any relationship.
Deep depressions lasting months are common.
Enough about me. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
Excuse me if I'm less helpful or empathetic than most around here. I am less prone to depression now than I was, but still have days when I rail against 'life': thoughts like 'if I can't relate to people, enjoy things or even get anything useful done, what's the point?' I also had very aversive experiences in my childhood, but have come to realise that it was more the lack of positive experiences that has held me back emotionally.
So it's a glib thing to say, but remember that these depressive thoughts aren't necessarily reality. They don't take into account your strengths. For another thing, it sounds to me that some of the experiences you're talking about are because of people not making allowances for you sometimes not knowing the social rules, but your enhanced capacity for memory and focus are making it more likely that you recall and over-generalise from those incidents. So you may be prone to the 'thinking errors' described by CBT more than neurotypical people - I certainly am.
I take it that you're in your early 20s, so you're in a position in life where a lot of people hope for life to get better. I've complained about my life being rubbish to enough people. But are things sometimes OK? Is it tolerable? What would happen if it never gets much better? Could you come to accept it? And what exactly does better look like?
One thing I found surprisingly useful was talking to may parents' families, an aunt in particular, who by telling stories, helped me understand why my parents were the way they were. It made it much easier to see things from their perspective and realise the responsibility lay outside the family altogether.
Epictetus has some wise words:
It is the act of an ill-instructed man to blame others for his own bad condition; it is the act of one who has begun to be instructed, to lay the blame on himself; and of one whose instruction is completed, neither to blame another, nor himself.
"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best". - Epictetus
Clever bugger that Epictetus
Welcome to the forum!Ellie
Robert123 said:I also have great difficulty with making a connection with people or building any relationship.
Do you find it easier on here Robert123?
Because in real life, my body language is unconventional and physical appearance is a barrier to communication.
As they say... their loss, our gain! :) Keep being YOU!
It just seems very narrow/closed minded on their part.
its not you its them. I meet these types of people and i dont really know how to deal with them. Save up some money do something awesome.