Getting Angry

Ugh.. pointless-conversation, the question is, does the other-side realise it’s a pointless-conversation. The likelihood is ‘no’, and the likelihood that they will hear the reality from the target, is basically nil.

Such an interesting point there, sent the email to yourself, but the urge to sent it to the true-recipient is.. so.. tempting..

I kept in touch with my professor for years after uni, he’d drag me out for coffee and to wrench me out of my nature, he’d say: “Sometimes you’ve just got to play the game..! You’ll have your time to be real, by that is not straight away, as you feel the impulse..”.

I get so in my own head sometimes, the more-full my day gets, the more-grace I need from others. Yeah, it’s a struggle, I literally-judder with stress sometimes.  
It doesn’t help that I got told to man up so much, because it only taught me to hone unhealthy-behaviour, and side-step healthy-development and control..

Anger often comes from a frustrated sense of entitlement or a sense of injustice.

Try reframing the situation. "It" is not personal. "it" happens - deal with it.

Remember Hanlon's Razor - never ascribe to malice that which can be reasonably attributed to stupidity. The idiot clerk is not picking on you .. they are an idiot. They can't help being idiots any more than you can help being autistic. Be nice. Idiots will drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. Don't retaliate ... escalate. Almost everyone has a boss.

When dealing with a bureaucrat. make it clear that the consequences of not doing [whatever] will be far worse than the temporary gain in not doing it.

Some things are urgent. Some things are important. Very few things are both important and urgent.

Recognise the physiological signs of anger and frustration, and relax. Take slow breaths. Relax.

Smile. I don't mean grin like a Cheshire Ape, just a little smile. It will make you feel better.

By all means find a suitable, safe, inanimate object which you can pummel, preferably somewhere private.

Send that snotty email to yourself. Read it a few hours later and edit it before you send it to the "target" ... you may feel different after you have calmed down.

Try not to catrastophise. Be realistic. Will the world really come to an end if you don't [whatever] ... probably not. Don't sweat the petty things  (and don't pet the sweaty things, but that's another story.)

Read "Games People Play " by Eric Berne. Learn to recognise the games.  Practice giving and receiving "strokes" - they matter to neurotypicals. Spend time in apparently pointless conversation.

Well everybody can manifest unhealthy-behaviours and experience psychological-distress, it is just the case that autistic-people are more-likely to experience this, as a result of their impairments and behaviours and long-suffering..

A few good-pointers that I recycle time after time on here is: You reassure yourself that it will pass and allow others to reassure you, distract yourself with your special-interests, not exposure yourself to social-interactions, not to trigger relapse by feeling that you need to explain the situation to someone else, seek a safe-place and company to see your attack through to its inevitable conclusion.

I hopes this helps.. So.. what if any special-interests do you have..?

Hi 87487, I am Number.

I am worried for you.  You describe your husband "progressing" with his violence.  What comes next?

Being autistic is no excuse for being violent against another person in my opinion.

It is kind of you to post your warning to other younger folk, but PLEASE don't be resigned to the situation that you find yourself in.  There will be a solution and/or resolution to HIS problem......but if he won't pursue that solution, PLEASE don't allow it to become YOUR undoing.

You have my sympathy and I wish you the very best.

Kind regards (and get yourself safe!)

Number.

Hi NAS87487, I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. You may find the information below useful. 

Domestic abuse can take many different forms, both physical and psychological - you might like to take a look at the information here: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse.  

If you are a victim of domestic violence or abuse, there are many different organisations which can give you help. You can find contact details for a range of organisations here: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help. 

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

Forgive me for saying this, but the fact that your husband is autistic, gets angry, and has been treated harshly by his parents, is no excuse for him using you as a punchbag. 

There are plenty of autists on these forums who struggle with anger issues, and I'm fairly certain that they would be in agreement that nothing gives your husband the right to beat you.

If you have the space for one, perhaps your husband could consider taking his anger out on an actual punching bag, rather than you, his wife.

Whilst I admire you greatly for sticking with your husband and wanting to support him, as an autistic person there is no way I would tolerate someone being physically aggressive with me, even if they didn't intend to be. The only exception would possibly be if a person was suffering from Dementia/Altzheimer's and was no longer of sound mind.

Yes, my husband is like that.  It all started same as what you feel, then it progressed by banging tables, breaking objects,  shouting extremely loud now it is at the stage where he is beating me ( his wife who is always by his sides nomatter what).

He is 50 years old now you are younger please get help now.  My husband's parents were very hard on him, they always blame him for stuff.  They never listened to him. 

I don't get angry very often thankfully, but to be honest when i do it spirals very quickly. I have been known to throw things, break items, hit things. It's usually when i can't find a way to explain how i'm feeling in words. It's pretty rare and i've never thrown something at a person or gone to hit someone, so i'm not too concerned about it.

The what's next link is faulty

Hi Molbelf

Looks like you've had some helpful responses about getting angry.

While you are waiting to find out the results of you assessment, you may like to look at our information about autism:
http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is.aspx

You may like to have a look at the following page which includes personal accounts, which may help:http://www.autism.org.uk/about/adult-life/stories.aspx

If you do receive a diagnosis of autism - you may find the following post diagnosis leaflet, which you can download from our website, useful:

http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults/after.aspx

(edited link - thanks, Song)

If you have further questions, you may like to contact our Autism Helpline team. They can provide you with information and advice about getting a diagnosis. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm).  Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.

Hope this helps,

Nicky-Mod

Yes - as Oktanol says, a 'meltdown' (I don't like that term, but can't think of a suitable alternative).  I work with low-functioning autistic people, and there is most often some antecedent (or 'trigger') for challenging behaviour like this.  Maybe something has been moved in their room, or someone else is making a sound they don't like, etc.  It varies from individual to individual.  Sometimes they can overcome their anger or anxiety by rectifying the situation.  With others, it'll lead on to another stage, when they'll find something else and something else... escalating the anger or anxiety until there is the meltdown.  With the people I work with, this again can vary from shouting, or throwing something, to full-on kicking or hitting of something (including other people if they're in the way) or smashing things.  I have one lad who's really quite capable and has a good awareness of danger, etc - but he can switch in an instant from happy/smiling to screaming/smashing.  But once he's over that peak, he'll settle down quite quickly again.  The 'trigger' might simply be a thought that's come into his head that's been suggested by something else: for example, someone saying something that reminds him of a telling-off when he was younger.  With all of them, it's usually about fulfilling some sort of need: to get something they want, to instigate social contact, to stop something they don't like, etc.  It's a form of communication for them when other forms (speech, etc) aren't available to them.

With high-functioning people, such as myself and you, there may be more control involved.  We have a certain knowledge and understanding that might prevent the behaviour from escalating, or might enable us better to control it.  I've had meltdowns like the ones you describe, though.  I'll also have panic attacks, when I'm bombarded with information, or when I'm expected to change my plans very quickly, when my brain seems to 'freeze' - almost like I'm dazed.  Things that really trigger me to go from 0 to 10 very quickly are hitting a traffic jam that will make me late, people being rude, sudden loud noises (especially boy racers with megaphone exhausts blasting by), or some kind of injustice.  I drink to alleviate anxiety (though not when I'm driving, obviously), and if alcohol is a factor at the time - depending on how much I've had - I can become physically violent (towards objects, not people) or verbally abusive.  One example, a few years ago, was when I was living in a small block of studio apartments.  One of my young neighbours died mysteriously, and the cause was traced to a faulty gas boiler which serviced all of the flats.  I and a few others had been feeling unwell at the time, too.  It transpired that the boiler was old and hadn't been properly maintained.  I was outraged and didn't know how to vent my feelings adequately.  So I did the worst thing possible.  I got drunk... then I went down to the boiler room and smashed it up.  I was arrested and charged with criminal damage.  The charge, though, was dropped because of the extenuating circumstances.  It was a timely reminder to me about what lurks inside.  I felt tremendous guilt following that - and following other, less serious incidents since.  But, like you say, it's like something comes over me and 'fuses' all rationality.

I could do anger management courses, I suppose.  But I think I have enough insight now to know that my best course of action is usually to either escape from the situation, or minimise the risk of it.  So... I'll leave home earlier for the drive to work, when I'm less likely to be stuck in traffic.  Or I'll go shopping late in the evening, when there are fewer people about whose behaviour (jostling, queue-jumping, etc) might wind me up.  And I won't drink at times of extreme stress, when I'm more volatile, but will instead go out for a walk, or do some other form of exercise to work off the hormones.  There are all sorts of strategies like that. 

Are there any particular things that set you off?

That would be called a meltdown, I guess? 

I don't really have that, not anymore at least, I rather shut down, but generally it's not uncommon with ASD. You'll probably get replies from people who get that too, at least there are several around here who have mentioned it before.

Guess when you see it come you could perhaps try to remove yourself from the situation and go somewhere quiet until you feel calmer, but once it has properly started you can only wait for it to be over and hope for understanding from the people around you. Getting a diagnosis may not be a bad thing for this.