Haters vs hated

Before I was carted off to hospital a few years ago for threating to burn the house down to harm my immediate family for putting themselves first. I've started to wonder if my feelings that they wanted me dead were genuine or out of disorder.

I'm slowly starting to realise that my feelings that others get to help themselves to me at their discretion because of my naive autistic weakness is a normal reality that I'm having to face. Unfortunately, regardless of what labels are used or how much medication I take, people get high off others and nothing seems to stop this glee to find a never ending supply of objects to hate, other than their own kind.

They are entitled to me and I'm entitled to kill myself because of them. The community of haters is like an invisible web that lies within society. The more they **** each other, the worse it gets because there are more of them playing this power trip game.

I've been meaning to give the NAS a call for some time but what on earth is there to say? We have the whole planet to ourselves and yet we squander it by taking out those that are different because someone said so. I guess I should be lucky that I have a roof over my head but what's the point when my own life is being used as a weapon? What good is good if there is no hate to back it up? The whole situation seems ridiculous to me.

The haters seem to win themselves and the fakers lose themselves to them. How can I be genuine when the social fabric of life is to be consumed by those that know how broken the game is by wielding themselves as some kind of debt to be repaid. A claim that their claim is more valid because they said so.

If I was to put this delusion of self first, how would I be any different from those that want me dead? I do not want to be one of you. If I was to be myself, then I what choice do I have other than retaliation?

I feel poisoned... Poisoned for being one of you.

Parents
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  • Starting to wonder if the medication is not being as effective anymore because the depression seems to come back in droves. I just want to be free from being me.

    I have a new PIP assessment on the 6th. I thought I could do life myself, but looking at the face of it, myself is the problem. I need a cure...

Children
  • You are under pressure. PIP and ESA assesments seem to do this to a lot of people. Hold out until after the 6th and see how you feel then. "Delusion of self" is a thing, I understand that philosophy. Trust me. 5 years ago I was officially suffering with psychosis. Finding a way to lose that "delusion of self" helped me survive. But you need to balance that sense of mental freedom with finding peace with the fact that most of the world has that delusion. You are you, conciousness and not a sack of flesh. That's a thing most people fear, the amount of self-reflection that takes. If you can deal with that, you can conquer most things. Try and live in the moment, let go. Worrying won't make the 6th go away but it won't achieve anything either. Get through the next few weeks and then see how you feel. I seem pretty together and open but I've been where you have been. You can get through it. You aren't the problem. The problem that is making you feel like that is the problem. All the best.