When I look at anything, anything, I see astounding beauty. If I look at a wall that is a few arms lengths away from me, then bring my gaze back a little. So I’m effectively looking into what some might call, thin air. What I see, is beauty beyond comparison. A beauty so soft and gentle, so natural, needing nothing and needing nothing to add to it to make it any more beautiful. It’s got sound and music but yet it’s silent. Still, yet always moving. I sit looking at it for hours. It captivates me. Like a dew drop in the early morning sun light on a single blade of grass. You marvel at the sheer beauty and brilliance of the dew drop, in all its glorious splendour with all its breathtaking colours, so clear yet so vibrant. Then you cast your gaze a little further across the grass and you see a spectacular bed of sparkling jewels. And you think, any minute now, someone could walk on that, not knowing the beauty upon which they place their feet. You can’t imagine that someone would do that. You know that if they did, they are unaware, they didn’t know they were stepping on such beauty. If they did, they would savour the sight. They would drink it in and give thanks for the abundance of this world. All these jewels. These many sparkly diamonds, just being, doing their job. They would drink it in with a thirst so grand it is all encompassing. Then they would step on it, with bare feet, and be lifted to the heavens whilst being taken to the roots of the earth. They would stand tall and strong like a tree yet moving, gently, like the lily in the field. They would soak up all that moisture and be replenished by nature’s own nectar and it would feel soooooooo good. You can’t help but look up and give thanks to our Heavenly Father, or whatever you want to call it. It’s inside you now, the jewels, sparkling like the dew drops on the grass. In every part of your being, shinning gracefully, but brightly and gaily, ready to meet your day. Mother Earth supports all of us whether we give thanks or not. Whether we are ‘worthy’ or not. Every man stands upon the earth. It’s not so much that we’re giving thanks for her eternal service, but that we are expressing her, through us, because that’s where she is. She simply cannot, not be. You come from her in every aspect of your being.
When I walk into a party. Yes, this is about me being expected to go to my son’s lavish surprise masquerade birthday party. When I walk into that room, despite the stance I’m going to take, which mask I’m going to wear, I feel the noise. And it’s coming from people’s chest area and it’s like it’s sucking at my energy to come out. I’m fighting it, it’s like the life is being sucked out of me. And all this noise is happening above the level of the sucking away of life energy into this grey dirty mess.
So I bring myself down to the level of the room. I can see all these people, dressed up, looking lovely. But it’s like the attack is on. Forget about discussing that we have a battle going on, let’s just go into full on attack mode. Now it’s like being thrown into a live game of cluedo. Only, I don’t know the rules. I see girls attacking girls, based on what they’re wearing, what they look like, how they talk, what they talk about. Just about everything basically. And I don’t know the rules. I haven’t even got to my seat yet, if I’m lucky enough to get one, and already I feel like I’ve been through a few battles.
Now I’m thinking, don’t talk to me, do not come over here and f*****g talk to me, as I catch sight of someone I recognise. Inside I’m ready to throw a hand grenade at them and run, but as they approach me, I hear something coming out of my mouth, sounding something like, I’m ok thanks, how are you? Inside I’m thinking, I don’t give a f**k how you are, I just want to get out of here.
It isn’t fun, it isn’t enjoyable, it isn’t pleasurable, the rewards of fitting in and playing my part, don’t come close to the devastation it causes me to be at such an event. None of it makes sense. A bunch of people in a room, and I don’t even know why they’re there.
I understand on one level, it’s a ‘party’, but what the hell. I hear people bitching about each other, about other things, they’re complaining or getting drunk and wanting to make body contact with you and tell you how much they love you. How disgusting. I don’t know what they’re doing. Even the ones that look like they’re enjoying themselves, are usually enjoying either the drug they’ve taken or the alcohol they’re drinking. It’s not like it’s a celebration, where everybody is giving thanks and revelling in all the wonderful costumes that people are wearing etc. Giving thanks for the abundance of food and love and friendships. Dancing, enjoying the music and the shared occasion of the chance to dance together. It’s like this jumbled mess of nothingness. I don’t understand the point of it. I suppose it’s celebrating 30 years on this earth. But it doesn’t feel like that. Why not all go out into the forest together, and walk through nature, talk, play games, eat, sing, dance, play music, smell the sweetness of the roses, drink from the fresh spring, run barefoot across the grass, climb a tree or sit round a camp fire. I don’t see why they all have to celebrate in the same way or why I’m expected to participate.
One Christmas, my gift to my family, was a lovely family walk together after Christmas dinner on Christmas Day or in the morning or even Boxing Day. I said they could choose when and even where, if they had a preference. They all declined and acted as if I had not offered them a gift. My ‘presents’ from them, are getting worse by the year. Meaning less and less money spent, less thought etc. Not that I care. I don’t want for gifts. It’s just interesting that when I bought gifts for them, they were always thoughtful and often expensive. I didn’t care about the money, the money was irrelevant, it was the gift, the thought that went into it etc. As I became less able to hold up my position as an nt, my ability to shop and buy gifts etc became pretty much non existent and like wise, my gifts from them have reflected this. And that’s ok, that’s perfectly ok. But I want also, for them to accept that it’s perfectly ok for me to not join in, in all their fun. I like forests, streams, mountains, meadows, cycling, walking, climbing, sitting, on a tree stump. I’m ok for them to do their thing and I want for them to be ok for me to do mine.
But no. I have already been told by my sister that I ‘have’ to go to my son’s party. I can’t imagine anything more violent than to think that it’s ok to enforce your idea of what’s ‘fun’, ‘right’ and ‘proper’ on somebody else and expect them to go along with it. And they have the back up that ‘everybody does this, that it’s “normal”’. But just because the majority of people do it in that way, it doesn’t mean it’s ‘right’ or the only way.
And it’s not just as simple as turning the invitation(s) down. I then get shunned by family and friends and they think I don’t care about my son or whoever because I didn’t go to his/their party. This isolates me even further. I don’t want to be isolated. Some things I can go to. I went to my sisters house with my family on Christmas Day and out with my son’s mother in law and their family one night. I do my part, pay my dues/fees, which keep me subscribed to being a part of their family. Which I enjoy and appreciate. My ability to keep on paying though is wearing thin. I don’t want to be an outcast of their family and friendship circle, but I don’t want to keep paying the price. I don’t understand why I have to, it helps nobody and hurts everybody.
I don’t have the words to describe to people what it’s like being me, and why should I have to? Why can’t people see that I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to be excluded. I like sitting amongst them, not having to talk, just enjoying their company. My most favourite time of year has always been bonfire night. Because I got to sit beside the huge bonfire, that was in my aunties huge garden. All the cousins etc were there, there was food you could help yourself to when you wanted it, you weren’t forced to eat at the same time as everybody else. Nobody bothered me. Everyone was doing their thing, and I got to sit quietly by the beloved fire, under the stars, in the crisp cold fresh air, enjoying the flames and the peaceful sounds of my family doing their thing. And my uncle always used to come and have a little chat to me. About proper things, not toys or things that other kids talked about. I don’t want to harm or upset anyone, but I’m in a burnout here and even if I wasn’t, I still wouldn’t want to go to their party. I’d rather go out for something to eat, just me and my son, on a different day. Even that’s not essential. We do that anyway, whenever we can. It doesn’t have to be about a birthday!
Why cannot you simply say no?
Lol, I do, but then I get more and more shunned because parties and weddings are important to them, they think I ‘should’ go and that if I don’t, it shows that I don’t care about them, that I’m selfish, I only think of myself, why can’t I just go and enjoy it like any other normal person. They start to not want to hang out with me as much etc, because they are forming an opinion of me that I’m selfish etc. That I can’t change and I don’t mind what they think, but it’s not just their thoughts. It’s their actions. I start to slowly become the outcast once again and right now, I don’t want that.