Life's Purpose Complete (almost)

At the end of this 18-month period, I've now completed the two most important jobs of my life.  I've cared for my mother during her final months, and I've written a book about that experience - and about the the experience of growing up with (then undiagnosed) autism.

With mum's passing, there's no one left.  My brother - my closest-living blood relative - might as well be a stranger I've never met.  I've honoured mum's memory in words... and there's not much else I can do.

I live alone, with my cat.  I work with autistic people.

Apart from that, I go through the motions of a life.  I pay the bills, I eat, I sleep, I get up in the morning and go to work, I come home, I watch a movie, I go to bed... I start again.

I'll be 60 next year.  Life has largely passed me by.  I don't really have anything left to do.  I don't want to travel any more.  I don't have anything I'm burning to learn.  I don't have anything left.  If it wasn't for Daisy, my cat, I'd probably take myself out of the picture permanently.  It would be so easy.  And such a release.

But she's here.  And she needs me.  So I must be here, too.

Until I'm no longer needed.

I count my remaining days with hers.

  • If it wasn't for Daisy, my cat, I'd probably take myself out of the picture permanently.  It would be so easy.  And such a release.

    Not so long ago I found myself in the same situation and on the day I had to have my beloved cat put to sleep I tried to commit suicide.

    Based on my experience, I would recommend you seek professional help for depression.

  • Hi Tom,

    Sorry to read this post mate. It sounds like you are feeling a bit lost. I would suggest this may be part of the grieving process playing out and it may take some time to finally pass. I agree with DF5 you are a much appreciated member of this forum and hope you can hear this clearly.

    Anyway I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts today. Your advice to me has always been sound and appreciated. Thanks.

    Take care , Laddie.

    PS I heard something on the radio the other day about self-publishing books on Amazon. Is that something you considered?

  • this may be part of the grieving process playing out and it may take some time to finally pass

    Seconded!

    And like caretwo, I also recommend that you seek professional support. Have you been to your GP?

    I had thought I was fine after my dad died. It was entirely expected, and the best thing for him. But 8 months later I was suddenly very "wobbly" indeed. 

    The more I have read about ASD, the more it seems that issues surrounding death of a close family member "are a thing" for our community...

    For me it seems almost as if I am experiencing "ripples" from the loss. They do say that the sea recedes initially before a tidal wave arrives. About 6 months later and I am feeling like I am on a more even keel, but I think I would have found it more difficult now if, like you, I had been my parent's carer until the end. 

    I know what you mean about life seeming pointless. I too felt like there wasn't anything worthwhile any more, like I was surplus to requirements and would not be missed.

    How do you feel about young people? Might something like your local scout group be of interest? I guess I am thinking that perhaps one purpose for those of us past the procreative phase of our lives is helping to educate and support the coming generation, so that they are better prepared for life when it is their turn? How about helping the next generation of NTs to make a better job of interacting with their ND counterparts?

  • Thanks, everyone, for your kind comments and support.  I crash-landed yesterday.  The crap stirred up by my 'Ripostes' thread didn't help.  I wish I hadn't posted it now.  It was just meant as a bit of fun, and to let off some steam.  Nothing malicious.  But I can understand why it upset some people.  I'm sorry for that upset - but I stick to my guns on it.  No one has a right not to be offended or upset.  That much I've learned about life.

    Anyway... thanks again to you all. x