TW - ASD and suicide prevention

ncrbrts said:

I avoid my colleagues because I find people very difficult

In what way do you find people difficult? Do you find the folk on this forum difficult, for instance (don't worry, I shan't be offended...)

Do you think your tendency to avoid colleagues might come across somehow to NTs during your interviews?

He would go to live with his other parent who happens to be more financially and emotionally secure than I am. It would be better for him. 

I avoid my colleagues because I find people very difficult. 

Why might you have been told you're not enthusiastic enough? If that's something you've heard repeatedly, are there any common themes?

Youve said you're already doing the job, but on the other hand you've also said you want to avoid your colleagues... why is that?

If you followed through with your plans, what would happen to the young child you are supporting?

I literally have no idea what you mean by things I could do to improve my chances for a modest amount of effort. What more can I do to prove my ability than by actually doing the job as I have been? I'm not looking for a promotion, just enough that I don't have to be hounded by the dwp. 

I do not perform well in interviews either. This is despite having been on loads of interview skills courses. I always get the same feedback after interviews (not enthusiastic enough) and I try to address it but I actually have no idea where to start. 

I never apply for jobs that match my education and skill set, because I don't have enough experience and also don't hold the communication skills they prize so highly. I should have stayed at a brick university to finish my masters degree instead of doing it distance learning. I thought it would be a bit easier and more beneficial to find a job while I was studying but it has been a nightmare. I don't hate the jobs I have - they are connected to my study and I will be able to use my experiences when I start writing my dissertation soon (if I don't die first). As long as I can largely avoid my colleagues, its all fine. 

But I can't afford to just have a job as a vanity project. I have a young child to support, and everything that goes with that responsibility.  

Well, either of those options should qualify you for a role in parliament... 

One of the things I (still) struggle with is very black+white thinking, and being a bit too single-minded once I get an idea in my head. Sometimes I end up chasing an unachievable level of quality, and lose sight that maybe I could succeed by doing a bit less. As a result, sometimes things can seem like too much effort, and I fail to spot that there are often some quite simple things that I could do relatively easily, which would get me most of the way towards a given goal.

So for instance, you have said that you didn't feel good enough to get the permanent roles you tried for. What things could you do fairly easily to improve your chances for a modest amount of effort? Anything to improve the odds, really...

What, specifically, do you feel is holding you back from the permanent positions? Anxiety? Time keeping? Specific knowledge of a tool or procedure?

To become better - a brain transplant or a lobotomy.  

Is there a local autism support group in your area that you can speak to?

You said that you're "fairly useless", so your confidence has clearly taken a battering. 

What would it take to become just a little bit better? What do you think held you back from securing permanent positions? 

How do you spend whatever time is left when you have finished dealing with your troubles? Do you like walking, for instance? Is there a wildlife trust reserve near you?

Yes they are aware. There is a whole three word sentence devoted to it on the claimant commitment thing I have to sign periodically. Apart from that, it never gets mentioned. 

But do the Job Centre know you have a diagnosis of autism?  If so, they should still be taking account of that.

My CMHT are hopeless.  I'm glad I no longer have to deal with them.  They made me worse, if anything.

If I go bankrupt, I will lose my car and, since having a car is a requirement for them, I will also lose my jobs. Any shred of self respect I had (not much) will be lost.

The job centre have no idea how I feel. I go there to be talked at - every fortnight the same thing. They note the part time hours I have done, she tells me I have to make a bigger effort to either get more hours in the jobs I have (I'm supply so I can't make people go off ill) or find something better. I have been interviewed for permanent versions of the jobs I have with the organisations I work for but I didn't get them. So, basically, I am good enough to do the job when there's no one else but not good enough to be a permanent member of staff. I don't blame them, I'm fairly useless.

I should note that I have been involved with the community mental health team for years. I do not have a good relationship with them.

I used to be the Insolvency Officer at my local county court.  I'd get people coming in in tears, feeling like their lives had fallen apart, with comparatively small debts.  Then you'd get the guys who'd just stroll in and hand the papers over to get it done - with debts in the hundreds of thousands.  I'll always remember one guy who was in hock to his creditors for over half a million.  He seemed to take it all in his stride.  Some people do it because they know they can, and they'll get bailed out, so it doesn't bother them.  Others, like yourself it sounds, are sincere in wanting to work it all out.  But sometimes, it just isn't possible any longer.  If it comes to it, it isn't the end of the world.  I had plenty of letters from people thanking me for helping them, and telling me that they'd picked up the pieces and were working it out this time - after having the pressure taken off. 

As for the Job Centre - surely you're demonstrating to them that you're willing to work.  Are you struggling with the work health-wise?  If you have a diagnosis, they should be taking account of it.  There should be a Disability Officer there you can talk to.

Would bankruptcy be unbearable? 

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/655164/Insolvency_Statistics_-_Q3_2017_web.pdf (page 4) suggests there were over 25,000 people declared bankrupt in the third quarter of last year alone. Therefore, though obviously an awful thing to have to go through, it need not mean the end of everything?

Have you had any contact with the wellbeing team at the district council for your area?
If you go to their website and search for "wellbeing" or "mental health", something should come up.

What did the job centre say when you told them how you feel?

What sorts of jobs are they? Manual work? Something staring at a screen? Something outside?

Do you do anything nice in any free time that you have?

I have 3 jobs. Between them I can't make ends meet. I'm facing bankruptcy and pressure from the job centre to find something full time. 

ncrbrts I know how you feel, I really do, there are times when I feel the same way, but with more and more understanding and acceptance I am feeling like this less often. I am learning how to be me. It isn't that we're autistic, we are autistic but we are also much more than that. We need you to stay strong, you will come through this. I haven't got all the answers but one thing that keeps me going just now is the thought that if I stay strong and come through this confusing and sometimes disparing period, I can help others do the same. It doesn't feel like it sometimes but you're not alone, many of us feel like this at times but we hang on and the wave of sadness and desperation passes us by. Keep talking to us and together we'll find a way to be who we are in this world without the need to put on a mask. My weekly autism group really helps as well. If you can get to a group to be with people who understand you, that can not only help with isolation but being with people who's understand you can really lift your spirits. Sending love and hugs. 

Hi there, it's sad to hear that you feel so shi* at the moment, but it's way better that you write about it than if you wouldn't. I can understand your issue with those services quite well, I've been wondering for a long time if other people do actually find them helpful. I suspect they do and it's like you say, we need something more specific/someone who can see things in the light of ASD. I know that at the place where I got diagnosed they did help people really quite quickly when there was urgent need for it (not with assessments but they did counselling and so on too). It's in Preston, so may not be anywhere near you, but perhaps they know something/someone similar in your area? Maybe send them an email (their website is this here: www.lancashireautism.org/, you need to use their form rather than sending it from your email account) and ask if they have any idea? It seems important to have some sort of emergency plan, but also something ongoing really. Unfortunately especially the second is not what they have much money for in the UK any longer (or never had). 

I think you do get these responses from a real person, but they must be like Lego bricks they copy and paste. At least I suspect this is what the mods do here, their responses nearly always read the same. Now and then you stumble over a sentence that seems to stick out, that must be when they actually really write something just in response to this specific post. I find this rather upsetting even though it's not about an issue I have, so I assume it must be a lot worse when you are the person receiving this response, you lose yet more of your hope if you had any left. But then there are a lot of genuine and understanding responses from genuine people here, and they usually come quite quickly too. Maybe not in the middle of the night or so, but generally it doesn't take long until someone picks up on it. So maybe give it a try and have a chat with us? I mean, Samaritans are people of all sorts that had a little course in general listening and some information on where people could try to find help, they don't learn much (or anything) about ASD. So I'd think we are not really less qualified on here because we may not have done the course that probably teaches some useful things, but we know a thing or two about ASD. If you are about to "switch your brain off permanently" then I think you need to get in touch with some crisis team (definitely better than A&E or GP in that situation, so try to find out how to contact them 24/7, your GP will know about that) but perhaps if you aren't quite at that point it helps a bit to keep writing what's going on, or just about anything? Not so much to get a solution/proper strategy, but at least to make you feel a bit less alone to help you a bit to get through the next hours and days until you feel a little better.

Take care and keep in touch if it helps at all (or if it just doesn't make you feel worse)! 

ncrbrts said:

I just want someone to understand that I don't want to be autistic any more

I suspect a great many of us can relate to that. I know I can.

My pre-assessment meeting made me feel like I wanted them to give me a lethal injection, though I don't suppose they ever would.

Can I ask if you work or volunteer somewhere?

Hi mate,

All I can say is... I've been in that place several times myself.  Suffice it to say that I'm lucky to be here.  All of this was before I got my diagnosis.  Since getting it, nearly 3 years ago, my mental health has improved.  No longer do I feel the pressure of trying to do things that others take for granted, simply to fit in with them.  I no longer want to fit in with them.  I look at what they do and think I'd just prefer not to be like that. 

It works for me, which isn't to say it will work for everyone.  I accept who I am now.  If others can't, that's their problem - not mine.

Sorry I can't help any more than that.  It's just that it's the strategy that works for me.  Plus thinking that the only way I can find out if life can improve for me is to give it the chance to.

Take care,

Tom

Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

I have used all of these resources in the past week or so in an effort to stop myself executing my plan. The Samaritans communicated with me over the course of several days, my GP sent me away with a flea in my ear (because I was previously diagnosed with a borderline personality i am often labelled an attention seeker and this is the same reason I have been turned away from emergency departments unless I have taken steps to hurt myself slready) and I have read the mind pages many, many times. I even spoke to a priest about how I was feeling, despite the fact I am an atheist. He was not helpful.

I remain hopeful that someone will be able to provide an alternative perspective before my time runs out. 

ncrbrts

If possible call your GP and make an urgent appointment. The GP should make sure you get appropriate help and support.

If it’s outside GP hours you could call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service:   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.

If you are ever very close to doing something to hurt yourself you should call 999 or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support.

If you need help with an autism related issue, the helpline can be emailed on autismhelpline@nas.org.uk or they’re open Monday to Thursday 10am-4pm and Friday 9am-3pm on 0808 800 4104.