Published on 12, July, 2020
'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'
As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this. I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years. These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were. I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me. For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me. The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound. Much of it is irreparable. But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother. I'm well rid of her. She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long. My brother is her puppet. And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings! He's well and truly Stockholmed!
For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc. I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes. I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous. But I take people at face value. If they tell me something, I tend to believe them. Why wouldn't I? Why would they lie to me? But people have, and do. It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group. Victimising the vulnerable. And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip. If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them! But no. Gossip is easier... and it's more fun. Huh!
Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?
I see there is an article in the Guardian today about the equal pay row at the BBC where gaslighting is mentioned.
As has been pointed out to me previously when I joined this forum I suffered emotional deprivation as a child. I think this has made me a very needy person and so I sought a cure for this deprivation from other women as it was not available from my mother. I think this could have relevance to my naivity and gullability in later life. Constantly seeking love and affection missing from my childhood.
That would also explain why some people think I have behaved in a mysogenistic way towards women. My neediness making me too demanding in relationships with women. I may be wrong but it does seem to explain a lot. Is this gaslighting on my part?
Take care, Laddie
I'm not sure, Laddie. I mean, would you say your behaviour was deliberately manipulative and deceitful?
I've been accused of being abusive in a relationship - emotional and verbal abuse - but (without wishing to let myself off the hook over it - it isn't something I'm proud of) largely it's been in reaction to the behaviour of the other. My last partner definitely had narcissistic tendencies. She controlled most situations to her own advantage. And, at the end, she refused to accept that my outrages were in any way connected to her behaviour. Definitely a narcissistic trait.
No I would not say my behaviour was deliberately manipulative but I am also not sure if it wasn't deceitful at times. I was easily led astray and cheated once or twice when I should not have. I guess that's back to being too needy in relationships and hoping the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and not resisting the temptation to find out. But I have always confused sex with love anyway.
I have never been physically abusive with women but may have been derogatory with some of my comments.
I definitely have narcissistic traits. I seldom put others before myself but I never realised it at the time.
My ex wife did lose her temper with me once and physically attacked me. I think she was frustrated by my lack of empathy and that boiled over into violence. I think she knew from very early on I was autistic (she was a trained special needs teacher) and felt her efforts to "cure" me were not being appreciated.
So no I am fairly sure nothing in my behaviour has been deliberate.
Take care , Laddie
Oh no, I definitely wasn’t saying that we’re narcissists, far from it. Yes, there can appear to be a crossover in behaviour, but that is looking at purely the behaviour side of things, not at our motives etc. No, we’re nothing like them. The only thing that made me think they could be autistic, with a personality disorder of narcissism, was because my friend, who thinks she’s autistic, was very similar to my ex in many ways but I would never have considered her narcissistic. It made me realise that there were times when I had misunderstood him, however, there is still no explanation for his brutal and manipulative behaviour, and yes, he got pleasure out of seeing me destroyed. For a narcissist, if you were to kill your self because of them, they would see it as a victory and be so proud of themselves. Your SIL most likely does miss you, you were part of her supply chain, but they soon find somebody else to feed off.
I can see some autistic traits in them, and maybe that’s it, maybe they just have some traits. I don’t know. I’ve been pondering this now and again for a couple of years. They definitely have the god delusion so maybe it is just more of a personality disorder, which autism most definitely isn’t.