Published on 12, July, 2020
'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'
As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this. I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years. These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were. I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me. For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me. The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound. Much of it is irreparable. But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother. I'm well rid of her. She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long. My brother is her puppet. And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings! He's well and truly Stockholmed!
For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc. I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes. I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous. But I take people at face value. If they tell me something, I tend to believe them. Why wouldn't I? Why would they lie to me? But people have, and do. It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group. Victimising the vulnerable. And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip. If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them! But no. Gossip is easier... and it's more fun. Huh!
Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?
I see there is an article in the Guardian today about the equal pay row at the BBC where gaslighting is mentioned.
As has been pointed out to me previously when I joined this forum I suffered emotional deprivation as a child. I think this has made me a very needy person and so I sought a cure for this deprivation from other women as it was not available from my mother. I think this could have relevance to my naivity and gullability in later life. Constantly seeking love and affection missing from my childhood.
That would also explain why some people think I have behaved in a mysogenistic way towards women. My neediness making me too demanding in relationships with women. I may be wrong but it does seem to explain a lot. Is this gaslighting on my part?
Take care, Laddie
I'm not sure, Laddie. I mean, would you say your behaviour was deliberately manipulative and deceitful?
I've been accused of being abusive in a relationship - emotional and verbal abuse - but (without wishing to let myself off the hook over it - it isn't something I'm proud of) largely it's been in reaction to the behaviour of the other. My last partner definitely had narcissistic tendencies. She controlled most situations to her own advantage. And, at the end, she refused to accept that my outrages were in any way connected to her behaviour. Definitely a narcissistic trait.
I think, actually, there are crossovers with narcissistic behaviour and autistic behaviour. Obviously, though, the motivations are different.