Gaslighting

'Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the target and delegitimise the target's belief.'

As Aspies, I'm sure we're particularly prone to this.  I know I am. My experience, too - with a sister-in-law who's a consummate narcissist - has caused me much grief and upset over the last 30 years.  These were years when I not only didn't know that I was autistic, but I also didn't really know what her motivations were.  I've found out so much more about it all since my diagnosis, and through having someone else who knows her tell me that she isn't just like it with me.  For most of those years, I simply thought there was something wrong with me - and she was the one who, more than most, was at pains to keep reminding me.  The damage this woman has done - not just to me, but to other members of my close family - is profound.  Much of it is irreparable.  But at least now I no longer have any reason to have any contact with her - notwithstanding the fact that she's married to my brother.  I'm well rid of her.  She's controlled and manipulated our family for far too long.  My brother is her puppet.  And so competent a puppeteer is she that he doesn't even realise he has strings!  He's well and truly Stockholmed!

For years, I've been told I'm gullible, susceptible, credulous, naive, etc.  I've had my leg pulled time after time, and been the butt-end of jokes.  I've been taken for a ride, scammed, made to look ridiculous.  But I take people at face value.  If they tell me something, I tend to believe them.  Why wouldn't I?  Why would they lie to me?  But people have, and do.  It's why I detest gossip and won't have any part of it, because all it really is is manipulation and destabilisation, perpetuated by a group.  Victimising the vulnerable.  And it gives people a sense of 'belonging' to be onside in the gossip.  If you're not happy with the way someone's behaving or performing - tell them!  But no.  Gossip is easier... and it's more fun.  Huh!

Anyone else got any 'gaslight' tales to share?

Parents
  • Yes I have experienced this a lot in my life Tom. 

    I recall the first time I was conned at work when I was only maybe 20 years old. Someone I considered a friend persuaded a female working in the same organisation to pretend to be interested in meeting me for lunch in a local pub. It was a joke and of course I sat in the pub for half an hour and nobody showed up. When I returned to work he was all smiles and eventually confessed to the con. I have never forgotten the humiliation I felt and it affected my confidence significantly for many years.

    I have experienced people approach me and tell me lies (gossip) to see if I would fall for the con and then be humiliated when the subject of the gossip was told I had believed the lie and came face to face with me to make it clear they knew what I had falsely believed. 

    Another incident occurred after I ended a relationship with a woman who persuaded me to go over for dinner and stay the night "for one last time" I declined but she was so persistent I eventually gave in. A few weeks later she called to tell me she was pregnant.

    I believed her at the time but now realise it was in fact a lie to hurt me for ending our relationship. 

    One of the reasons I shy away from trying to socialise to this day.

    Take care, Laddie.

  • Me too.  Even at work, with people I feel reasonably confident around, I'm still wary.  One woman in particular, who seems to like me and accept me for who I am, is quite a vindictive gossip.  If she's got the knives out for someone, they go in.  She took an instant dislike to another chap who started at the same time as I did.  Yes, he was arrogant and a bit bullying in his manner - but I could get along with him.  I thought he needed to grow up, and maybe ought to have the chance to.  She whipped up all sorts of stuff against him, though.  Eventually, last week, he was sacked.  I'll admit I don't miss him - but I'm now much more wary around her. 

    Last week, our new manager got us together in a group and told us all - making it quite clear that 'this doesn't apply to most of you' - that we shouldn't be using mobile phones whilst working with clients.  Fair enough - and I'm glad she said it and got it out in the open.  It's been a bone of contention with me ever since I started there.  And I certainly didn't feel it was directed at me, because I never use my phone at work.

    Afterwards, I spoke to this colleague about it - and she was indignant.  'I don't think she should have generalised like that.'  I pointed out that she actually hadn't generalised.  She'd told all of us so that everyone knew, and she'd done it in a way that wasn't pointing a finger.  'No," she insisted.  'She did it wrong.  She should just call people in the office individually and tell them - not generalise it and accuse everyone.'

    I decided not to pursue it.  If I'd been the manager, I'd have done the same.  My colleague's now got a 'thing' about the manager - who really is a decent person and good at her job - so I wonder how long it will be before negativity will be building up against her.  And how long before I start getting regarded as some sort of toady.

Reply
  • Me too.  Even at work, with people I feel reasonably confident around, I'm still wary.  One woman in particular, who seems to like me and accept me for who I am, is quite a vindictive gossip.  If she's got the knives out for someone, they go in.  She took an instant dislike to another chap who started at the same time as I did.  Yes, he was arrogant and a bit bullying in his manner - but I could get along with him.  I thought he needed to grow up, and maybe ought to have the chance to.  She whipped up all sorts of stuff against him, though.  Eventually, last week, he was sacked.  I'll admit I don't miss him - but I'm now much more wary around her. 

    Last week, our new manager got us together in a group and told us all - making it quite clear that 'this doesn't apply to most of you' - that we shouldn't be using mobile phones whilst working with clients.  Fair enough - and I'm glad she said it and got it out in the open.  It's been a bone of contention with me ever since I started there.  And I certainly didn't feel it was directed at me, because I never use my phone at work.

    Afterwards, I spoke to this colleague about it - and she was indignant.  'I don't think she should have generalised like that.'  I pointed out that she actually hadn't generalised.  She'd told all of us so that everyone knew, and she'd done it in a way that wasn't pointing a finger.  'No," she insisted.  'She did it wrong.  She should just call people in the office individually and tell them - not generalise it and accuse everyone.'

    I decided not to pursue it.  If I'd been the manager, I'd have done the same.  My colleague's now got a 'thing' about the manager - who really is a decent person and good at her job - so I wonder how long it will be before negativity will be building up against her.  And how long before I start getting regarded as some sort of toady.

Children
  • I think what you are suggesting makes a lot of sense (sitting it out until Christmas) - like Windscale says it is sensible not to do anything rash. She may well get bored and move onto another target. 

  • I do know how you mean that sometimes the way the social dynamics is playing out means you stand very little chance of winning or even breaking even.  (I appreciate that for you there's no question of "winning" - you just want to able to do your job without harassment.)  If you were higher in the "pecking order" then you'd be able to deal with it, but if you were higher in the pecking order then it probably wouldn't have been an issue...

    I get the impression though that this woman can now smell blood in the water, which makes her more keen to get her way.  It's basically a choice of you or her and however many of her coterie it's necessary to get rid of in order to fully cut out the cancer.  If they go with the latter that's a bigger problem for them to clear up, so you can see from a purely managerial point of view why losing you is the easier option unfortunately.  Sadly norms tend not to have much in the way of morals when it comes down to it.

    But you never know, she may get bored and decide to go and victimise someone else instead, so I wouldn't be inclined to make too rash decisions.

  • Sorry you don't agree with that, Sunflower.  But I can't help how this has made me feel.

  • Thanks, Deepthought.  Yes, you are right.  I think professional jealousy is a large part of her game.  She was top dog, in her estimation.  Now, in her estimation, she's not.  I don't play that kind of game, as I said.  I just do my job. 

    She certainly has things on her record - not least of which is that she has had more bangs and scrapes in company vehicles than anyone else, because she drives aggressively.  She does everything aggressively.  Her cover on Facebook is a meme: "Don't pick a fight with a woman over 40, because she is full of rage and sick of everyone else's s**t."  It really sums her up.

    She has shouted at both the facility manager and our immediate senior manager (ex-military) in order to get her way - and she gets it.  So, inadequate management is right.  They're all afraid of her, and of falling foul of her.

    I've decided to sit it out until Christmas.  If things don't improve, or get worse, I'm going to go on permanent sick leave.  It just isn't worth the pain and grief for minimum wage.


  • Not heard yet, no.  Sorry for seeming sharp last night, but I'm in a bit of a state.  I always appreciate your words. 

    I always appreciate your words too Tom, and I very much understand the difficulties you are having at work. If then you did seem sharp ~ it very much got lost in all the mitigating circumstances of it all.


    The car park is quite secluded, and I'm not hopeful about its being covered by CCTV.  I rang the company that owns it, and they confirmed they don't monitor it themselves.  So my only hope is a municipal CCTV.  A friend who had his bike stolen said he waited 3 weeks before he heard from police after reporting it - and even though the area was covered by CCTV, and there was just a 3 hour time frame, they told him they couldn't tie up that many hours to a search - as if they couldn't FF until the bike wasn't there!  I've given them two 10-minute time frames.  It had to be either when she arrived, or - more likely - when she left.  It was getting dark then, and although the car park is floodlit, it's obviously much easier then.  It was also done in a place that I wouldn't see it unless I really looked.

    I think the best course of action with the CCTV footage, is not to focus on this course of action, and let it go unless it comes to you. If so ~ then consider your options, and only then, and most definitely not before.


    Not quite sure what you mean by 'blags'...

    Using acts of persuasion or guile to get things.


    I'm really thinking that my best way forward is to just keep going for as long as I can, then go sick if it continues and not go back.

    In terms of just keeping going for as long as you can, that is the best way forward, most especially if you clock how the 'gas-lighting' is affecting your state of mind ~ and stop using those wound up feelings and thoughts to disempower yourself, and thereby stop also empowering your 'gas-lighter'.  Two in one session.

    A clearer state of mind will result and your overall health and performance at work will improve, along with your ability to recognise what is going on and how then better to deal with things. Bide your time Tom, and rush nothing, nothing at all.


    That way, they'll 'let me go' eventually.  I don't know what else I can do.  I can't prove a thing - which is how these people operate.  Very cunning. 

    The fact that you are imagining that you cannot prove or do anything is the cunning part of the gas-lighting.


    I would go for the job at the college again, but if I get it it will be longer hours, more days, more travelling... and I don't think I can deal with that level of change right now - even if it does get me away from her.

    I think that your working relationship with this person is only in truth part of the problem, which involves your focus upon her as an individual person ~ rather than as an employee working under contract.

    From what you have described, the greater part of the problem appears to have started from inadequate care provision in a playground, inadequate hygiene in the kitchen and vehicles, and inadequate safety in terms of rooms being left after use in a disorganised state.

    Have these problems been adequately resolved yet? If not dated photographs and journal session. 

    In addition to the aforementioned problems ~ there seems to be inadequate management, and the resulting staff oriented hierarchy is not wholly conducive to taking appropriate action to resolve problems in the workplace.

    For example ~ getting a reprimand for being autistic in terms of having a meltdown, as being on managerial record in an autistic care facility, does not bode well for the management ~ nor the person that made the report against you.

    Further more you seem to describe also that your knowledge of autism and your professional expertise regarding autistic care provision is second to none, and as such is increasing the respect people have for you at work.

    Does this summary seem accurate, and has it helped in any way to remind you that your abuser is proverbially skating on very thin ice ~ given her track record in work thus far, and as far you know by direct experience regarding her work?


  • I've applied.  On the application, for the first time, I've actually said 'Yes' to the question 'Do you have a disability?'.  I've explained that I don't normally need special adjustments, apart from good prior knowledge of any changes to hours.  That shouldn't be a problem, as the hours are set.  I'm not really sure I want the job because of the longer days, extra traveling and problems with parking.  But it's the lesser of the two evils.  Much more of this at work and I'll just cave in.  I haven't slept properly since Wednesday, and the stress is just making me feel really low.  It's even making my skin feel weird.  I can't focus on anything at all - reading, writing, exercise.  My drinking is going up again (almost a bottle of scotch yesterday).  Suicidal ideation is constantly there.  Daisy keeps me going.

  • She's certainly successful as a gaslighter, anyway.  I really don't know reality from fantasy any more.  I'm totally confused about what's going on in my life.  I just feel like hiding away permanently.

  • Not heard yet, no.  Sorry for seeming sharp last night, but I'm in a bit of a state.  I always appreciate your words. 

    The car park is quite secluded, and I'm not hopeful about its being covered by CCTV.  I rang the company that owns it, and they confirmed they don't monitor it themselves.  So my only hope is a municipal CCTV.  A friend who had his bike stolen said he waited 3 weeks before he heard from police after reporting it - and even though the area was covered by CCTV, and there was just a 3 hour time frame, they told him they couldn't tie up that many hours to a search - as if they couldn't FF until the bike wasn't there!  I've given them two 10-minute time frames.  It had to be either when she arrived, or - more likely - when she left.  It was getting dark then, and although the car park is floodlit, it's obviously much easier then.  It was also done in a place that I wouldn't see it unless I really looked.

    Not quite sure what you mean by 'blags'...

    I'm really thinking that my best way forward is to just keep going for as long as I can, then go sick if it continues and not go back.  That way, they'll 'let me go' eventually.  I don't know what else I can do.  I can't prove a thing - which is how these people operate.  Very cunning.  I would go for the job at the college again, but if I get it it will be longer hours, more days, more travelling... and I don't think I can deal with that level of change right now - even if it does get me away from her.


  • Still waiting to hear from the police - but I'm not hopeful.

    Have the police told you how long it will be before the CCTV footage gets examined?


  • Still waiting to hear from the police - but I'm not hopeful.


  • Of course.  I've done all that.

    What of the CCTV footage?


  • Of course.  I've done all that.  Managers are now suggesting mediation - which you know and I know will not work against a narcissist.

    I'm basically trapped.


  • Then what else should I do?   Grin and bear it... until I crack up?  Go sick?  Leave, and then throw myself at the 'mercy' of the benefits system?

    It would be easier to just give up.  On everything.


    Most certainly do not grin and bare it!

    All blags depend upon being distracted and planning blags involves becoming more distracted.

    I trust for insurance purposes that you have informed the police of the criminal damage, and the managers at work ~ to find out if there is CCTV footage of the car between the hours in question?


  • Then what else should I do?   Grin and bear it... until I crack up?  Go sick?  Leave, and then throw myself at the 'mercy' of the benefits system?

    It would be easier to just give up.  On everything.


  • define “bluff”


    A deliberate deception that I'm going to use - not that I like being deceptive.  But it's playing her at her own game, in a way. 

    Be very careful Tom as their is no evidence as yet to who is actually the perpetrator of the criminal damage.

    Consider also  that you are merely thinking about becoming a 'gas-lighter' ~ whereas the female in question is a long practised one who knows exactly how and when to take advantage of people in multiple situations.


    As I said, if she's innocent, there's no harm done.  If she did it, though, and thinks it's about to be found out, then there should be an obvious reaction

    Yes perhaps ~ yet what though if it comes at a time you are not expecting; in a retaliatory way quite possibly?


    And I would, of course, inform my other colleague - so I wouldn't be deceiving him.

    Would you not be casting doubt on your good character in terms of attempting to conspire with a colleague to deceive another?

    Consider also that if you state the police have the CCTV footage and the culprits registration number ~ the culprit  will be questioned by the police, and if the female in question is the culprit ~ she will know what you are up to and do something about it sooner or later, would she not?


  • I think your case will be stronger if you stick to what you know - you can tell HR about a pattern of events - the interference and undermining that led to you losing control, the vehicle being returned late, comments made to you out of hearing of others, even the fact that your car was found to be damaged after she parked next to it.

    Personally I would avoid going any further - HR can piece things together themselves and see what the evidence points to without you spelling it out. Have you considered taking advice from your Union before you speak to HR? They seem to like to be consulted as soon as possible. 

    I can see why calling her bluff over the damage to the car is tempting but this kind of things sometimes backfires. I asked a test question of a manager once, and her answer proved she was dishonest. Trouble was she then knew I knew, and things got infinitely worse. 

  • Ah, yes.  Just read about it.  Playing with his trouser sizes during filming of 'The Monuments Men.'

  • George Clooney played that prank on Matt Damon actually.

  • A deliberate deception that I'm going to use - not that I like being deceptive.  But it's playing her at her own game, in a way.  As I said, if she's innocent, there's no harm done.  If she did it, though, and thinks it's about to be found out, then there should be an obvious reaction.

    And I would, of course, inform my other colleague - so I wouldn't be deceiving him.