Chris Packham show - glossing over relationship problems

Did anyone else find the Chris Packham show (https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b09b1zbb/chris-packham-aspergers-and-me) worrying? 

Had Chris chosen to be single, I would have applauded every aspect of this show and agreed wholeheartedly with his horror at the 'curative treatments' he witnessed in the USA / sentiment that his Aspergers was an intrinsic and positive part of his make-up.

But he isn't single, and I was horrified at how casually the show treated the dysfunction in his relationship with Charlotte. 

He admitted to having difficulty in empathizing with other humans. The only feeling he expressed for Charlotte was gratitude that SHE loved HIM; he showed her no affection, avoided physical contact with her, said that he only knew how long they'd been together because she had told him (10 years), aggressively forced her to greet his dog before he otherwise acknowledged her after a significant period of time apart... for her part she acknowledged many difficulties in the relationship but the show presented her concluding that it was worth it because she so admired how his mind works. Was that just editing? Can it really be enough? Surely anyone can admire how his mind works, it doesn't mean that you have to be in an exclusive 'romantic' relationship / 'partnership' with that person to witness it.  

I worry for her enormously, because I am only just now recovering from a "catastrophic" end to a relationship with a man on the Autism Spectrum. I wrote on this forum about it last year. The short version of it is that I supported him for years, and he ended our relationship a few hours after my Dad's traumatic death because HE found it too intense.

There was more too, but beyond the scope of this post. It's impossible to express the psychological impact these events have had on me, it was devastation upon devastation. That was about a year and a half ago. It has been a very tough time and although I'm starting to pull through now, my own mental health has been in the toilet for most of it. 

What is a relationship for if not reciprocal intimacy and support? The show completely glossed over his really unpleasant attitude to humans in general, and Charlotte in particular. In addition, I'm concerned that the show may have given the impression that treating a partner with such disdain is acceptable. It's not.

I completely agree that Aspergers has unique potential to offer a whole other set of intellectual skills which are of enormous value to humanity, but it is my opinion that it is irresponsible for someone who does not have the capacity for human empathy to be involved in a romantic relationship. 

  • The only feeling he expressed for Charlotte was gratitude that SHE loved HIM; he showed her no affection

    That doesn't mean that feeling wasn't there. It could have been hidden, or hard to know or express, or expressed in non-neurotypical ways. And this was on TV... not everyone is as free with things as on Big Brother.

    he ended our relationship a few hours after my Dad's traumatic death because HE found it too intense

    Actually, a very similar thing happened to me - my friend ended a kind-of-relationship with me the day my Dad died. Only she was neurotypical, and I was (at that point unknowingly) autistic.

  • Society is just not ready for anything beyond that! 

  • No offence here, you have a very valid point.

  • So why not applaud the show? Why not congratulate Chris on getting this off the ground and bring the issues out?

    Why use it to make it about your own experience?!  That's rude, self centred and calculating to turn around a ground breaking programme to air your grievances and use it to spew out your anger and bitterness at NDs who have nothing to do with it. 

    CP has generously given an insight into his asperger's and it should be applauded, warts and all. 

    There's no pleasing some people.

  • it reminds me of those homosexual women and men who took up married heterosexual life...out of shame, out of societal expectation, out of politeness - so as not to cause a fuss....

    im in danger of causing offence again... aren’t I! :) 

  • Is it a mixture of pride and shock that he has been vocalise his needs and what he can cope with in his ND that we are shocked as we are so programmed to follow a pre-prescribed notion of societies expectations of relationships? 

  • He's been true to himself, to her and to their relationship.  Not living a lie, not having a sham of a relationship to try and be normal/for the cameras etc. CP's got my vote! 

  • Yes, CP was honest, he's worked out his boundaries and stuff and it's up to her to work with it or walk away.

  • Shall I top toe of othis then! Oops

  • I am sure the same complaints and warnings could be said of critically judgemental partners....

    just saying....

  • Truth hurts!

    Honesty..... to be honest in response to those angry missives would have me banned from here I am sure,  yours and up is one!

  • I have also been hurt by NTs...at least NDs have a tendency to be honest....and Chris Packham was honest about what he could cope with and how much of a presence he could be

  • Life happens.  

    Look around you at tv programmes, films, they are all about NTs and how badly they treat each other, none of them feature ASDs being calculating!   

    Do you want ASDs locking up so no NTs can come to harm from them? 

  • caretwo said:

    If I was you, I would mention learning disabilities whenever you feel it is appropriate.

    Yes most certainly when appropriate ~ use the descriptor 'learning disabilities', only someone pointed out to me a while back that having a disability entails having lost an ability, such as having lost a limb, a sense or an organ. I stood corrected as the expression goes, but I was actually sat at the time!

    I like the descriptor 'otherwise enabled'.  

  • According to NAS, people with Asperger's 'do not usually have the learning disabilities that many autistic people have, but they may have specific learning difficulties' (http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asperger.aspx).

    I am surprised to hear that you are not allowed to mention learning disabilities on this forum. I have never come across such a thing. If I was you, I would mention learning disabilities whenever you feel it is appropriate.

  • Not sure if "most of us" is correct, but some people definitely do. Maybe they would often not have got a diagnosis of Asperger syndrome but something else, but now that it's all ASD that doesn't really matter.

    But how do you mean we aren't allowed to say that here? Sorry, I'm just wondering. You wouldn't be kicked out of the forum, would you? I hope not.

  • Mara said:
    Can it really be enough?

    well, god knows, anyone with any exposure to the media has seen people stay in relationships for stupider reasons - even looking around your friends, can you not see some partnerships that make no sense?

    Mara said:
    it is my opinion that it is irresponsible for someone who does not have the capacity for human empathy to be involved in a romantic relationship

    I think it's fine to relate to someone who is similar to you, there are surely thousands such? I don't think you should ban people from relationships, just demand that people do not take what they won't give? I have found on dating website forums that it is universally believed that lonely or unhappy people should not be in relationships because they don't have enough to give. Apart from the question of motive - why else would you be on a dating website?! - the idea that two such people should get together in an attempt to solve their shared problem is considered dangerous and in need of banning. Maybe i'm too logical, maybe i'm too old-fashioned, maybe i'm missing something, but i can't comprehend this point of view

  • "Aspergers has unique potential to offer a whole other set of intellectual skills" to the lucky few, most of us have learning disabilities but you're not allowed to say that here for some reason

  • i kept trying to explain to my friend that i can't form emotionally close relationships like i want to because of the autism, he kept saying 'but do what Chris Packham does in his relationship and you'll be fine' and i kept saying 'i can't form relationships, form, not keep or maintain' but now you it sounds like it's not even my idea of a relationship. Maybe it's a male thing