Published on 12, July, 2020
Ok I know shutdowns are not great at any time, but yesterday I had one that was particularly embarrassing.
My workload has increased lately and I have been aware my stress levels were rising. It was only after yesterday that I realised this has been building for a while.
I had to be part of a day long meeting consisting of numerous presentations and I had to present as well. I thought there would be 10 people in the room maximum, but this was closer to 30 when I walked in, which I wasn't prepared for. We also started to run behind schedule so there was no real breaks and a working lunch. My breaks and lunch are normally when I focus on resting and keeping myself fueled so this also impacted. The day was also full of masses of information from different people that I was struggling to keep up with/take in. Finally, when I had to present I was ok for the first two thirds of the presentation, then I started to feel unwell. Due to my concentration on the presentation, I hadn't realised a shutdown was creeping up on me. What resulted was me stuttering and stumbling over my words, speaking sentences backwards and generally not making sense. I stopped the presentation to say I needed a drink of water as I was feeling faint. I then tried to carry on, but my hearing went very fuzzy, I could no longer read what I was presenting and finally my vision went to which point I panicked and ran out. I was found by the first aider in a slumped heap outside the building. To make things worse I was non-verbal for 5 minutes, so then people didn't know if I was being hypoglycemic or whether I was having a stroke!
I just wanted some quite in a dark room, but couldn't say that. I finally managed to say I needed some water and something sweet - I find this helps with brain function and getting things kick-started quicker. Finally I was taken to the first aid room to rest, but the lights were awful and the smell of disinfectant was overwhelming. I spent the evening feel terrible at home like I was trying to function whilst wearing a lead suit. My head was banging and I felt incredibly anxious.
Whether this is just the anxiety affecting my judgement, I am not sure, but I am now worrying how people at work will judge me. The only person who knows about my ASD is my boss and he kind of put two and two together. It's my colleagues I worry about as it is a dog eat dog type of place at times, where I woiuldn't want my weaknesses to be made public.
I'm not sure what to do now as work is obviously impacting on me, so need to speak to my boss, but worry they will start to think I am not up to the job anymore.
Sorry for digging this whole thread up again, but I had another shutdown last Friday, which resulted in an ambulance being called and me going to A&E as they thought I was having a stroke.
Cut a long story short, I haven't felt right since the last shutdown and I have seen my GP to see what can be done to help with the situation.
In the meantime though, my boss seems to be supportive, but then I came home to find a letter stating that I need to see Occupational Health again. This is the same Occupational Health that initially said I don't 'look or sound' autistic. I understand that my employer will need some assistance on how to manage me going forward, but I am concerned that the person I spoke to previously didn't know what they were talking about and was quite discriminatory to autistic people in general. If I feel that the person from OH is not understanding of autism, am I in a position to ask my employer to seek assistance from another agency? I appreciate this may seem demanding from their perspective, but I didn't trust the person I spoke to last time.
I would like to think that my company is trying to work with me rather than get rid of me, but do I have any rights in this type of situation? I have been told previously by OH that I don't.
Hello Starbuck. Sorry to hear you are having even more tough times. It’s good that your boss is supportive. I have had a string of OH apt’s over the years. Some work related and some dss related. Of the work related one initially I felt just like you. It was horrible. ( for other reasons I wasn’t diagnosed then). As it happened my employer changed OH and it’s the same building the dss use now too and it was much better. As far as work was concerned I wasn’t in a position to resign ( I did that in another job due to stress and I lost out financially) and if you resign it’s more difficult with benefits etc so I just had to keep going. It was very stressful. So within the place you were sent might have a team and more than one OT/Dr/health assessor which may mean you get someone else and you could ask your employer for support to have a different oh. You can refuse to go it is not compulsory but could be awkward. But if the oh wasn’t listening or accepting anyway then it would probably be less stressful. I’m sorry it’s so difficult and don’t have any legal answers.
Sound advice x
Just a thought. One thing you could perhaps do if they permit it and they should do is to take someone along with you. This would support you in the meeting, be a second pair of ears and eyes to observe and take notes of the information and perhaps also restrain callous comments from the oh. we do have a lot to offer so I hope you can find a way forward with this.
Hi Misfit61, thanks for your advice. I think for now I am just going to go along with it as I need to be cooperative with my employer and see what the outcome is. I look into what ways I can make sure everything i documented accurately, so that if I feel I am being misunderstood or judged, I can at least raise the issue with some evidence to back it.
I find it sad that so many autistic people want to work and perform well in the work place, but more often than not, the work place operates in such a dysfunctional way to ND people, whether through sensory overload, lack of structure etc. I think more needs to be done to help ND in work as well as those who want to work, but find it too overwhelming and intimidating. We all have a lot to offer if helped in the right ways.