Friends and social life

I have recently been thinking about my social interaction with people and other than the people I work with, I only have my partner for social interaction.

Up to a point I am fine with this and still seek being on my own away from my partner, which he understands and is happy to accommodate.  However, I have been wondering if this is a completely healthy way of going about life.  I'm not lonely and if anything find I will do anything to find isolation following work, as I am normally feel overwhelmed at the end of a shift.

What I am debating in my head is whether I am in a bit of a rut and have accepted this isolation and therefore it doesn't affect me?  At the moment, I am happy being with just my partner and looking after my animals.  My partner has been a little concerned in the past, but I think like me has accepted that this is the way I am and shouldn't force social interactions on me.  I hear from others though that social interaction makes us happy and stops us feeling isolated and depressed.  If I didn't have my partner and animals, then I may be able to relate to this better.  

I find friendships hard work and difficult to keep.  One side of me said I will be putting unnecessary stress on myself by trying to find new friends (especially with similar interests to me!), the other side of me is thinking about the fact that I have become to reliant on my partner and animals for social stimulus and should instead step outside of my comfort zone.

Has anyone else had this debate and come to some sort of logical conclusion of what is best or has experienced the outcome for themselves?  Fr

Parents
  • Hi Starbuck. "social interaction makes us happy and stops us feeling isolated and depressed" is probably a very valid statement for 'normal' people, but not necessarily for us. For me it depends very much on who it is - specifically, interacting with my wife and children is lovely, I love doing it and it makes me happy, I could literally spend all day doing it without breaks. But interacting with anyone else - not interested. Interacting with people at work or at a club, I get nothing from that, in fact it makes me stressed because I don't understand how to do it properly, not in an effective way like everyone else seems to manage effortlessly. I'm happy just interacting with my wife and children, and I'm of the belief that we should do what makes us happy. I have no desire to copy what everyone else is doing to make me feel like I 'fit in', because that's not how it works for me. We follow a different set of rules. And since there's no rule stating I have to interact with people, and I get no benefit from doing it anyway, I don't push myself. There's lots of self-help out there which says how we should push our boundaries to grow, and to interact with new people to find new opportunities. That's probably true, but I have no need to push my boundaries. It's taken me a long time to feel comfortable with who I am, so I would place the importance on understanding yourself. Then you would be able to make the choice about whether to open yourself up to new experiences and people if that's what you want to do, and if you think you would get benefit from it. But there's no law saying you have to.

    I do remember being single before I met my wife, and I felt very lonely. But I only wanted a girlfriend, just one person who I could share everything with - I never attempted to get new friends to fill that void because I knew that wouldn't have helped, it wasn't what I was looking for, it was a partner-shaped void. Once that was filled, I had no requirement or need to make new friends. It's not because I've 'accepted my isolation', it's because I've accepted that people don't make me tick. I don't have that need. There are other activities I would rather be doing that I really enjoy compared to whatever activities you need to do to make and keep friends. And it's not that I don't try because it's easier for me to lie to myself and say I don't have that need, which would allow me to avoid doing it, it's because I genuinely don't have a need to interact with other people. I could live in an empty village in my house with my wife and children, and it would not bother me in the slightest.

    I think understanding yourself and being honest with yourself is the most important mindset you can use to work out if you're in a rut or not. And also the knowledge that it's okay not to want social activity in your life, not everyone does, and it doesn't make you any less of a person. Do what you feel happy with.

    Hope this has been of some help.

  • I've had very little social interaction in my life and the few girlfriends I have had didn't last 2 weeks :( only people I really have friends with are online and a distance away from me 

Reply Children
  • None taken!

    thats why I prefer online communication. Can’t get anything wrong! It’s there. Written. 

  • That was directed generally ....not just at you Chewie.....lol....don’t want you gettin  the wrong idea.......  Joy 

  • i agree....why fuss over the physical.....hey...look up....there is a brain, a heart and a soul going on here! You could be missing out on a much greater adventure! 

  • On the positive...I would like to say I have met some lovely people online here.....not asked for a single nude picture yet! Lol

  • Physical attraction and being able to hold a conversation.

    Surely must be someone out there that ticks those two boxes for me?

    I’m older now to not worry about all the other stuff because it’s inconsequential.

  • As Plumlet says (love the name btw) things are possible if you can wade through the frogs and are careful...

    met my oh online...btw....Black Friday deal (Joke)

  • Very true.....people often have their own idea of what “connecting” means...and it can be a dangerous terrain....esp. for the vulnerable 

  • you won't survive a day on a dating site if you deactivate your account everytime someone asks you for nudes

  • My reply hasn't registered....sorry I can't remember what I said now....I was trying to be helpful though!

  • I've tried numerous dating sites and felt short changed cause I feel it's mainly fakes and scanners oh send me a voucher and I'll send you nudes no thanks as soon as that happens I deactivate the account and try again sometime later. I'm often declined for the smallest of things ie music tastes the team I support and in a way (with the few women I've spoken dirty with) don't agree with my wants if the relationship went down that avenue if that makes sense 

  • Hi Sean.

    Relationships can be challenging for everybody , there are many ingredients which make them successful but also many things which will make them fail and these things are not always obvious and if that is the case it requires effort and an element of learning about dating/ relationship etiquette/ rules.

    People can be very fussy and picky about the smallest things ( especially guys I've found! ) and from my own experience I've found that appearing too 'keen' on the other person is a no no which doesnt make sense to me but it can make a person run away...as can being too 'distant' emotionally. Another deal breaker can be what they like/ dislike etc...people are all different so one girl might like holding hands but another girl might not. My boyfriend is extremely polite about that sort of thing so I felt very comfortable around him as I'm not at all happy for people to touch me unannounced! Anyway that is just a snippet of my experiences...

    If Being autistic or having learning difficulties is putting girls off then they are not the right girls for you.As the world becomes more educated about autism attitudes may change but there are still people out there who are not so judgemental so keep looking and perhaps you will need to look outside the geographical area you're in?

    Online isn't a terrible place to socialise and I know many people who aren't autistic who met their husbands/wives online on a dating site, it's nothing to be embarrassed about especially if you live in a remote area or have limited opportunities for meeting people. If you have any severe difficulties with aspects of dating or indeed everyday living then there are specific dating sites which can be more helpful and supportive.

    And as you have seen on here people who are autistic do manage to sustain long term relationships , including marriage and so I hope this will give you some hope that although it may be difficult it is not impossible.