Aged Parent and how to cope

This is the first time I have posted on this forum. I am 58 and for many years have been diagnosed as bi-polar but after giving up on all the appropiate therapies for that condition which left me pretty beaten up I am revisiting the most likely possibility that I am neurologically atypical hence on the spectrum probably more high functioning Asperinger's than Autism.

Strangely enough about 16 years ago just after 9/11 I took the mentor course under the National Autistic society and I was empathetic because I saw an enormous cross over in my feelings and what I was beeing taught about autistic children.

My issues today concern my mother and my sister. My mother has always been very rigid about  colour, taste  and texture for both clothes and food. Now she is living in a care home and unable to completely look after herself in the way she thinks is correct which would be very precise she is very angry and dismissive of the staff, This really upsets my sister as she wants to be positive all the time and most visits to my Mother start with at least half an hour of complaints.

I am sympathetic to my Mother's complaints as I am probably as particular about things as she is, especially if I feel isolated.

My sister rather than trying to get the staff to adopt my mother's ways talks as if she has dementia and basically ignores her needs. This undermines my efforts to get the staff to care for my Mother.

Does anybody else from this type of background have a similar experience and have you been able to resolve it amicably.

My sister and I now tolerate each other but an historically warm relationship has almost been obliterated by this problem. We had similar issues and disagreements about caring for my Father who passed away 2 years ago.

Thanks for reading


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  • It is not easy - my brother (Sotos syndrome in his 50's, living at home with parents) was primary carer (with social services support) for Mum and Dad (mid 80's) and now as Dad has passed he is still primary carer for Mum (still at home with brother with social services support). 

    My brother has two sisters - me (200 miles away) and an elder sister (120 miles away) - we had a fundamental disagreement when Dad wanted to return home (after being bed bound in hospital for months) and whilst we all thought it would be better if he was in nursing care, my brother and I did our best to honour Dad's wish to come home whilst sister maintained stance that Dad should be moved to nursing care - in the end the ward geriatic consultant took it out of our hands by calling in another consultant who assessed Dad as having no capacity to make such decisions as coming home....and the hospital moved Dad into nursing care.

    There are various web acticles about sibling relationships when elder care impacts...but whilst they reassure that friction is not unusual they do not have many practical tips on how to make things better if siblings hold fundementally different views.  They suggest talking and being a team, but that is much easier said than done.

    Best wishes


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