How can I help my crush on the autism spectrum relax around me?

Thanks NAS24634. Thinking about it this way clarifies things for me, too. 

Thanks again, Seekaftertruth! He is indeed very honest and genuine.

I think clear communication is a great advice, even for NT people. In my opinion, it's a sign of maturity and knowing what you want.

I've been married 13 years and we're very happy together (her words as well as mine); my wife is neurotypical. If I were to give one piece of advice about having a relationship with someone with autism it would be to always have clear communication. If TV is any judge, it seems that if I generalise, NT women like banter and flirting and all these 'hidden message' types of communication when they're first starting out in a relationship, as that's exciting to them and 'part of the dance'. Or maybe I should just stop watching Take Me Out :D Whilst you may miss out on this part of the fun, you'll be rewarded in other ways that people with autism are particularly suited to with relationships, such as honesty, depth, stability and loyalty. If you stay together for a long time then ultimately these will be the lasting qualities that you want.

I also read a book written by a lady who is married to a man with autism, and the take-away from it was that although she misses out on the flirting, she gets benefits that her other girl-friends don't get, so it's all a matter of your perspective and ensuring your expectations for the relationship and of each other are suitably 'tweaked' to include the autistic perspective.

This is from my own perspective, if anyone has a different experience then please say.

Communication is important maybe say online that the autism doesn't matter to you if he's understanding he might know how you are feeling towards him. Ask him to for a coffee sometime, maybe call it a date or it's okay if you both want to stay friends. Make sure you're clear on what you want..

I'm autistic in a 3 yr relationship with a neurotypical girlfriend. 

Hi Seekaftertruth! That should be an exciting conversation to have. Thanks for the encouragement!

Hi Lana,

Love and related feelings can be very overwhelming for someone who isn't able to cope with them as well as other people. Also, he may not know what the next steps are, or what he's supposed to do, or how things will change - social contracts are difficult things if you don't have the skill, and romantic ones are even bigger because you have more to lose.

If it was me, I'd probably tell him plainly that I really like him and want to be a couple, and that it will all be okay, and that you welcome his quirks, and you want to spend more time with him. Keep your communication clear and obvious, no hinting. Also, 1-on-1 time can be good - I know when I had girlfriends when I was younger, I was much more settled if I was somewhere just with them, not with a crowd of other people, so I could focus all my attention on them. I think normal people would see that as being intimate, I would just see that as being normal.

I guess ultimately you have to judge all this for yourself, knowing him. But hopefully the above offers a perspective.

Good luck and I hope it works out, you sound like you would be a good match :)

Thank you, QuirkyFriend! This is really helpful.

I'm glad you and your SO made your relationship work, with patience and trustworthiness.

Lana, the thing you need to understand is every neurodiverse person is different with their sensory needs and responses so there is no simple rules.

It helps to start with understanding that your crush has a far slower processing speed for ideas and novel things than you as a neurotypical. So he hit overload quickly and got ashamed of his behaviour.

So if you want a relationship it's going to have to involve finding out how best to ask about his needs and likes and be VERY patient waiting for a response.

NT/ND relationships can be immensely rewarding but they are also hard work. My relationship is amazing but we took 7 years to live in the same household and 6 to live in the same time zone. My SO has ADHD and I have DCD so we both deal with processing and sensory issues.

The only other generalized comment I think can help is trustworthy behaviour is necessary on your part. My SO had 18 years of domestic violence in his marriage and there was a lot of hidden trauma 'landmines' ranging from trigger words to being set off by touch at the wrong pace. We quickly worked out we needed safer words, so if he was triggered he could use it and I would stop. It requires that you really are aware and you do stop as agreed. We are almost totally passed the time of using safe words (one came up this week but it was over a year since the last time) and things are very good between us. Christmas Eve will be our official second anniversary of living together.