Just been diagnosed high functioning autistic (long post!)

Hi all,

This is my first post here and I'm just trying to get the thoughts off of my mind and out in to the world in the hope that life starts to make sense.

I'm a 34 year old male and a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism - it was actually a relief to be diagnosed as I have always suspected I was different that others and I couldn't figure out why. I just thought I was broken.

If you don't want to read through my journey just to go to the TL:DR (too long: didn't read) bit

I was raised in a very masculine household by a father who only came to this country through marriage, he was stuck in a different culture, different time and different world to be honest. He raised me (and my brother) in the only method he knew of - emotional and physical abuse. He always compared me to my brother - and effectively made us competitors - who is academically better than me on paper. I struggled to get through my schooling as I was bullied and barely passed GCSEs, retaking English twice before I passed. I didn't do too well at college and uni, graduating with a 3rd in BSc Computing (which no one will touch with a bargepole) and have not found .

I stayed at home during uni to save money and because my confidence was so low, I didn't think I could cope on my own living away from home. During this time my parents argued and fought all the time (they have pretty much hated being with each other ever since they were arranged marriage) because they were trying to get my brother married off. Eventually the fights turned violent and my Mother had enough and decided to divorce my dad.

So without my controlling father around I felt a new sense of freedom but I had no idea what to do with it. He had always controlled every aspect of my life, I didn't have many friends, never been in a relationship with a girl and had never been on a holiday. Eventually as I started my employment, I was participating in all the things that came along with it, from there came friendships, and a social life, not a huge buzzing social calendar but one where I started to know what things like a strike in bowling meant, and what a game of pool was.

Unfortunately, I still hadn't figured out what an intimate relationship was and was always going for the wrong women, mainly through inexperience and not understanding social cues. It took me a while to realise someone at work fancied me, and took me a while longer to figure that she was using me to make herself feel better whilst she was addicted to anti depressants. Then a few years later I fell for someone else I worked with, a married woman, who did all the chasing. And once again, I didn't have any clue what she was doing until she made the first move. I fell for her hard, she understood me, my quirks, my foibles and never judged me but in the end she ended it with me. After another few quiet years, I started going to a quiz night, through someone at work, and met someone else. We dated for a few weeks, it was awkward, it was non eventful but I was paying for everything. As soon as I said let's go dutch, she wanted to be friends. That was a few years ago.

During all of this, as I had nothing else, I focussed on my job (teaching) so much that life passed me by. I love superheroes, video games and quirky tv shows, and because of my intense focus on the married chick, and work, I didn't have a clue what I had missed. My job changed, people who didn't know what teaching was about (or were even qualified to do it) started coming in and messing with the way I worked. The stress got so much I left.

TL:DR

When I started teacher training I noticed every time I was on a training course about autism, I had similar traits to those who were on the spectrum. Then the more time I spent with them in the classroom, the more I saw it in action. I asked the learning support people at my school if they knew of how an adult gets checked out for it and no one knew, eventually I figured it out and got assessed a few weeks ago.

So I'm now an official HFA - I know why I don't like socialising much (unless I'm in control of the situation), I know why I don't like loud bars/clubs and prefer quiet places as I can understand when people are talking, I know why friendships and relationships have been a struggle, I know why I didn't too well academically. I know not everything can be pinned down to Autism, some of it has been down to the abuse I experienced in life but I feel like I am owning my life now.

And it feels frickin great!