ASSESSMENT FOR HENDROW, THE DAY LOOMS LARGE. . . . . . .

This was written some years ago, I believe, I still think it is an interesting read, considering all that has transpired since then.

Reasons to be fearful part 3

HENDROW CHRISTIE·WEDNESDAY, 26 JULY 2017

Please please please, try and understand that it is not that I want to die or anything like that, I am ‘not well’ you may hear me say. I am just ‘LAZY’ Like my dad used to say, I hate it I [*******] hate feeling like this, why am I wasting more time, more of my life, looking for answers, what if I had a diagnosis that explained everything that is, and that has happened to me, I am so lethargic, right now-oh sorry, most of the time! it is so very very depressing, I do not assume that it is easy for normal people, but it’s just that it seems impossible for me at the bad times.

I have looked for years on and off, for an answer to ‘what is wrong with me?’ I have been in church (religion of sorts) That hasn’t worked. Now; because this thing works in cycles I am kind of okay right now, but that is utter [‘********’] I am tired of trying to be normal (Physically) or right (Mentally). I feel a bit better right now just for writing this down, I do feel that although in my case there is a hell of a lot of evidence to back up my case, I have an overwhelming feeling that this will not be accepted, what am I signing up for? What would I be losing, what would I gain?

It is a living ‘[*******] Hell’ most days when I am not well. I have always looked at this back to front, the wrong way around, i.e. Thinking that I am depressed and that makes me lethargic and lifeless. My point is what if I am lethargic and lifeless and that in turn is a depressing state to be in? It would cause me to ask yet again, what the ‘[*******] hell’ is wrong with me. It does now make sense, or is this yet another attempt (Of Mine) to escape taking responsibility, if I had a debilitating disease then maybe people wouldn’t expect so much from me (Including Me! I have no energy left to do anything, I ‘[*******] Hate It’ God know I do.) So hopefully you can see that it is not that I want to die.

REASONS TO BE FEARFUL PART 2

I want to live I realise I want to live!

I have lost my flow so it’s time to go,

What I feel only I know,

Am I the fool from this brand,

Who expects others to understand,

I’ve lost so much over the years,

I have lost touch and cried many tears,

It does make me look at myself with hate,

I am nobody's friend, no one’s mate,

Will I find somebody that comprehends,

The cycles I ride, it’s recent trend’s,

Trapped in this body that just won’t work,

My life is shoddy, I feel like a jerk,

Makes me feel like I am a child,

Whose innocence was stolen, when I was defiled,

Oh God, oh I wish I could be a man,

It cannot be done, without a plan,

Yes, as usual, it is all about ME,

Could that Freudian slip, set me free?

Sometimes I am blind or totally deaf,

There are times when I have nothing left,

I am just too much, is what they cry,

Just leave me alone and pass on by.

[Edited by Ayshe Mod]

The pressure is mounting.

I was told on Friday by a locum GP that it could be at least three weeks before I get an assessment date.

19 Days to go then, not that I am counting or anything, lol.

I am not sure if this will work? Test  A1.

Thank you.

Hendrow said:

I have been officially diagnosed as having ASD from birth. (They are looking into ADHD, I have been on the waiting list since 2017.)

Yay on the diagnosis poetical dude ~ and yay on the being back on the forum too!

Hi Ellie! great to hear about your first appointment too!

Congrats Hendrow I bet thats a relief, I got my diagnosis a year ago tomorrow and it was for me. Be kind to yourself, its a lot to take in and I'm still processing it 12 months on.

Congratulations Hendrow!! It is also great to have you back on the forum!!  I have my first assessment appointment in March 2019!

And so it begins....... :) 

I have been officially diagnosed as having ASD from birth. (They are looking into ADHD, I have been on the waiting list since 2017.)

Thanks Robert, I will keep you all informed.

Thanks Robert, I will keep you all informed.