SOME OF MY POETRY FOR YOUR PERUSAL.

 Wrote My Doctor This Note
(This was written on 4/4/17, but never actually delivered.)
Dear Doctor B****ley,
This is not a quote, surely it won't harm my case to write you this note. Why is it that I think I have Asperger's Syndrome, following our conversation last week on the telephone, I have taken and passed the online AQ test, so in my opinion there is only one move left. Looking at my history, how come no-one guessed, undiagnosed for over forty plus years, it was thought that depression was the reason for my tears. I also took the EQ test my score was a six, so without a doubt in my mind there is a problem to fix, I get what I call mind-lock and then it is hard to think, it's like time stops and I am all out of sync.
It has been very hard trying to live a 'normal' life, sometimes I say 'innocent' things that cut like a knife.My past has gone and what I have done cannot be reversed, truth be told I did really wonder if I had been cursed, I don't express my emotions like anyone I know.I can be happy inside but a poker face I'll show, living in a logical world with form and order, my narrow horizons, maybe they should be broader. But who is to say for me what is right or wrong, Its a fight ever day for me and I am not feeling strong. I didn't expect to find myself when looking into HFA, it fits like a hand in a glove is what I am trying to say. Is my brain broke or is it a gift? either way I badly need a lift. We can go through my evidence that you wanted to see, I have written them out for you alphabetically. 
H.
  • I was sent an instrumental version of this on my FB page, I have been obsessive and OCD about this song in the past. I have amended the lyrics to make them more accurate, I have claimed this version as my own, it has a profound effect on me. For me it encapsulates my life purpose to perfection. 

                     HalleluYah


    Well I heard there was a secret chord
    That Dowd played and it pleased Yahowah
    But you don't really care for music, do ya?
    Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
    The minor fall and the major lift
    The baffled king composing HalleluYah

    HalleluYah, HalleluYah, HalleluYah, HalleluYah.

    Your trust was strong but you needed proof
    You saw her bathing on the roof
    Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya’
    She tied you to her kitchen chair
    She broke your throne and she cut your hair
    And from your lips she drew the HalleluYah

    HalleluYah, HalleluYah, HalleluYah, HalleluYah.

    Baby I've been here before
    I've seen this room an’ I've walked this floor y’know
    I used to live alone before I knew ya’
    And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
    And love is not a victory march
    It's a cold, and it's a broken HalleluYah.

  • The last 5 lines (Acrostically pleasing.) The other 7 are not too shabby either. Powerful I think?

  • Will Sorry Do?

     

    Why do you twist and turn things, and then call me evil,

    Later you say you love me, that’s unbelievable,

    I have tried and tried, tried to explain,

    There is a real issue, a problem with my brain,

    One minute you speak as one who understands,

    The next, you want to kill me with your bare hands,

     

     

    So, prove it I hear you say, show me it’s true,

    Once again, I use my brain in this very line,

    Reaching out to you and asking one more time,

    Realizing that if we want to live in harmony,

    You will have to accept, we think differently.

    Hendrow.

  • A Matter of Choice.
    SUICIDAL
    I know that road
    SUICIDAL
    I have carried that load
    SUICIDAL
    I have walked that way
    SUICIDAL
    ME! NO . . . . . NOT TODAY.
  • The day I was born, should have been celebrated,I agree. 

    But, I have given the thing that is called 'My Birthday' quite a bit of thought of late. I have decided that I have no desire nor need for a 'Birth Day' any longer, this is my reasoning whether you agree or disagree is of no consequence to me. I know that I was born on a particular day, although I was not too aware of it at the time ( I didn't have a watch on,, you see) also I hadn't quite got the gist of the Gregorian style calendar on the wall. Since that day, on an annual basis ( this would make it anniversarial, 'tradition' dictates that I should acknowledge it (Celebrate it etc.) I was too young to be a reliable witness as to the accuracy of the date, I have to therefore trust that those who recorded the date and time of my birth did so accurately, I do have a 'certificate of birth' which confirms this date and time of which I cannot be sure is accurate or not, as the case maybe. It seems to be something steeped in 'tradition'- something I choose not to follow, or be 'led by' if you prefer. I have no desire for myself or the anniversary of the day I was born to be exalted above any other day. I find no genuine reason for saying that it is a 'special day' it is what it is. I have come to the conclusion that it is something that has been subtly imposed on me, over many years (From birth - Mind You), without me really giving it much thought. My 'Birth' Day has long gone, that is the fact of the matter. As I have stated in the past I choose now to let go of pagan traditions and celebrations, it has not been hard to find the roots of what I used to choose not to do. I am happy in what I am doing now, I will continue to research. (For those that need it in black and white, If I do not celebrate/partake/observe, Etc my own 'birthday' I for sure won't be 'doing' yours.) If you want to unfriend me now, I understand. HC.

  • YOU KNOW ITS YOU.

    Oh girl, when I look at you,

    I am truly love sick, I thought it was the Flu,

    Then my heart does kick, like a bass drum,

    Loving you is fantastic, hugging you is fun,

    I love to see my baby's face, is there one more perfect in the human race.

  • I NEED TO MEND MY MIND.
    I need to amend my mind,
    You man are man, you are kind,
    I am man, am I human kind,
    As the darkness come’s once again, I am blind,
    I am tired of being like this, I am stuck in time,
    You and your happy mouth spew “it will be fine’’
    Me you see . . . . . . . no further down the line,
     
    How do I do this mind mending thing?
    Why is it that my heart does not sing?
    Tell me how it all finishes, how does it all end up?
    My life is, was, could you handle my cup?
    I ask for help, but in the wrong way,
    I cry for help both night and day,
    Who did this to me, would it not be easier,
    If my mind were wiped, like amnesia,
    I do not honestly believe, life should be this tough,
    I fully concede that I have had enough,
    I really don’t see the point anymore,
    I have said and done all of this before,
     
     
    I’ve said amend, maybe it should be change,
    I am trapped, in that place once again,
    Need the solution, someone, . . . . . . . a clue,
    What would you do if you knew it were you?
    Demolished I crumble, such a sudden fall,
    Those that know me, are not surprised at all,
    I can’t run anymore, run where to?
    Why bother, after a lifetime would you?
    Will I meet my maker? just maybe,
    Whatever time I have left, we will see.
  •                                                                   MY MAGENTA MATRIX.


    • MMM. = WWW. 
    • Do You Understand The Construct Of the Architect?
    • The Answer is out there. TBC. 
  • You are Jo’king? NO, I am Tal’king, Jo’s clever cousin.
    Do the right thing, and write about the bright thing,
    The shining bright thing, the no night thing,
    A bright light thing, live your life despite thing,
    Jump from a great height thing, cut from left to right thing,
    Losing the will to fight thing, oh he just might thing,
    I can’t sleep at night thing, kick, punch, bite thing,
    Just get on your bike thing, brain readings, spike thing,
    How are we alike thing, what gives you the right thing,
    NO! he is such a delight thing, making love all-night thing,
    Smutty yet polite thing, gave me such a fright thing,
    Understand your plight thing, could take flight thing,
    Maybe start the fight thing, he was quite contrite thing,
    Tinnitus makes my ears ring, hope makes my heart sing,
    Medication make you a fill in,
    Feel like I am dying, inside I am crying,
    Sick of bloody flying, tired of trying,
    No need to go prying, to see who’s been lying,
    You’re selling, I am not buying,
    Thats why I am not replying,
    The truth’s you are denying,
    Someone has been spying,
    Forget the ying and yang thing,
    Seat at the table what do you bring?
    Ready for the truth with a health warning,
    It can bloody hurt, I thought it would sting,
    But not like a boxer leaving the ring,
    Cut’s and burns and bruises, all aching,
    Am I in a fight that I just cant win,
    I spent many a night enquiring,
    Asking the questions that need answering,
    Questioned those answers and then following,
    Evidence and reason, the chances are slim,
    We have been dumbed down, I see you slipping,
    It really matters, it is a vital thing, knowing,
    Understanding what you have been, reading and writing,
    If you understand this then give me a ring,
    Not if you are left, middle, or right wing,
    Worshipping, kneeling, or into praying,
    None of those is my thing,
    As time ticks on, evidence mounting,
    Because some have done the accounting,
    It all adds up, I cash my chips. . . . . . . . Kerching!!
  • auditory audio association
    WORDS  JUST  BECOME  SOUNDS
    Audio Annihilation Misheard To The Absurd

    I don’t mean to be repetitive,

    My problem is cognitive,

    Something I exist with,

    I have no more to give,

    Show me the way to live,

    Memory, like a sieve,

    It is what it is,

    It's massive

    I’m passive

    This passage

    Is active

    like acid

    Not placid

    Or flaccid

    What Facets

    Cause upsets

    More regrets

    Backward steps

    Life’s reject

    Sore subject

    Feel abject

    Now reflect

    Every aspect

    In context

    The concept

    Full disconnect

    No intercept

    True intranet

    Unlike internet

    Can’t recollect

    Near perfect

    We’re select

    Complex intellect

    I interject

    Lose respect

    In effect

    It affects

    Every project

    Speed breakneck

    The heck

    Hi tech

    Like Lomacheck

    Well kept

    Foot instep

    Shipwreck

    Not yet

    No sweat

    You bet

    Mic check.

  • As Requested.
    Write something they said, for a competition,
    to explain my autism is now the mission,
    well I don’t need a dream of a prophetic vision,
    we can prise open my life, after this incision,
    at this moment in time, in the here and now,
    I am not certified but I really don’t know how,
    my quizzical look and the furrowed brow,
    to the unusually accurate woof or meow,
    I was not trying to fit the criteria set,
    I was too busy getting myself into more debt,
    and you can bet, that if and when we met,
    you would say I cannot believe that you are not diagnosed yet,
    if I told you of my past, it would be quite enlightening,
    it could show you how fast, I do my writing,
    I would imagine you’d ask, do you find it exciting,
    It’s just another task, that helps bring the light in,
    Speaking of which, I don’t like the dark,
    I think its a childhood thing, please don’t ask,
    My life is upside down since I took off the mask,
    I may constantly frown, but I am free at last,
    I could make this sound like a diary extract,
    Do you want raw emotion, I give you fact,
    It’s the way my brain works, staying on track,
    The wildest of beasts, never gives me any slack,
    I could tell you all about the torture of School,
    Getting the cane, the slipper or even the rule,
    Face the wall in the corner, can’t sit still on my stool,
    Do you know the riddle of the remaking of the mule,
    They don’t seem to understand, overwhelm,
    Our ships look alike but I am at the helm,
    So much happens that is out of this realm,
    Like the disease that attacks the Dutch Elm,
    It affects the tree, but not me and you,
    But you know that in fact that is not actually true,
    As an example as to what your smile can do,
    When spread around, it can stop one from feeling blue,
    We are all connected, kind of intertwined,
    But in my mind the way we are designed,
    From being combined, but never resigned,
    To accepting the unkind, so now we have dined,
    On these words that I have written,
    About my autism and how I was smitten,
    I wasn’t dropped as a baby, neither was I bitten,
    UK born and bred, it all happened in Britain,
    Having what I call mind-lock, or brain-freeze,
    Struggling with oral instructions and other difficulties,
    Showing empathy and love is not done with ease,
    But with my food routines I am easy to please,
    In the beginning it was said, you would get access into my head,
    I have made my own bed, it is change that I dread,
    This is not an autism A-Z, but I kind of felt led instead,
    To try to help us that are winning, just to stay ahead.
  • I am not Bi-Polar but some years ago, I thought I just might be, I wrote this then. . . 
    WOULD YOU MIND, BEING BI-POLAR.
    Would I mind, now let me see,
    My brain has been lying to me,
    It is not wired up properly,
    That affects my functionality,
    Being labelled is what I want to avoid,
    Or is that me just being paranoid,
    My selfe-steem has been utterly destroyed,
    Don’t I have the right to be annoyed,
    Why am I consumed with feelings of dread,
    Confusion illusion, inside my head,
    Wish I was able to get out of bed,
    My strength is that of a brittle thread,
    Why do I just want to walk and hide,
    From the phenomenal fear I have inside,
    I want to put it all to one side,
    But once again my brain has lied,
    This though is one of the strangest things,
    I never noticed my moods swings,
    I knew about the lows and the darkness it brings,
    But I never saw the highs on the angels wings,
    Now that this has all come to light,
    How am I going to make things right,
    Sometimes its hard to sleep at night,
    Especially when the future is so blindingly bright,
    When everything hidden is easy to find,
    When I am better than the rest of mankind,
    My life is a breeze, and never a bind,
    This lying mind needs to be redesigned,
    The truth is I don’t know how to cope,
    Death and despair surround me like smoke,
    The noose will work loose that is my only hope,
    Or is this all just one big Joke,
    My brain tells me this is where it all ends,
    Look around you stupid you have no real friends,
    Maybe just maybe, it all depends,
    On what the professional recommends,
    I am bored with this now I don’t know about you,
    Tell me, what do I say and what do I do?
    What if your brain was lying to you?
    Would you mind being Bipolar too?
    Can anyone see any Autistic/Aspergers traits in this, I am interested in what you guys think?
    Hendrow.
  • Hi, Dr V Bu****y,
    It was nice talking to you the other day when you called my mobile. I have some life changing events happening and I haven’t seen you in a while. Anyway, I thought I’d write this to tell you the story so far, I think it is important that we both know where we are, I have been researching Autism/Asperger. Because my counsellor noticed it and said I could dig a little further, I did write a letter to Dr Barnsley, he is a very nice man who I think believes in me. I went through a phase of much personal distress, trying to figure out ‘how the hell’ I got into this mess.
    All five test’s I have taken unanimously agree, that I need to be assessed to find out what is wrong with me. The funding has been approved, that was great, great, news. Because right now everything in my life is upside down, so everybody’s smile looks like a frown. I need to have a tete a tete, because not all the issues are resolved yet. I have been told by my social worker that it is you who can move my case further in the direction that it needs to go, there are some things that are vital for you to know. From my OCD to the suicidal me, the gut-wrenching everyday anxiety. The seeming lack of empathy, the unemployability, the comments that lead to controversy, to the body language that I just don’t see.
    The sarcasm and the irony, the not fitting in with society. The facial expressions; what trickery, I did not know literally, that fact than no one is friends with me, but I get on well with everybody. All of these are just the ice-berg tips, I wear the cap because it fits. I do hope that we have a chance to talk, so you can see that I am cheese and not chalk, but I think you get the gist, because some things have been missed, leaving me to work it out the hard way, so please take the time to hear me say, I know that I need your help, my pain and anguish are heartfelt, so I am reaching out to you today, because my future depends on what you have to say.
    Regards,
    Hendrow.
  • This is the letter I am going to give to my new GP, I may also give her the letter I wrote for Dr Ba*****y, I think it is funny that her name is Dr Bu****y. I am hoping that all concerned realise that these letters are actually rhyming poetry. On to one of the pieces in question. I am interested in what you think of it too. Particularly want to hear from the writers in this group. Also there is an open invite, private message me if you so desire, thanks for reading. Smiley Hendrow.

  • King of Smoke

    You may have heard of the Smo King, but today I say, this is what I bring,

    I have to destroy the King of Smoke, listen carefully this ain't no joke,

    To you, this is true, there is more than hope,

    Tip, sip, to the lip, get a grip take a toke,

    Green, black, brown, and white which is coke,

    Is it designed with you in mind to make you choke, 

    It matters not if you're young, or old folk,

    King sized tax, thats why I was always broke,

    Without my hit, I took a dip, and started to mope,

    Hemp makes the noose, which is the hangmans rope,

    Make a bid for freedom, you got my vote,

    On foot, bike or car, even by boat,

    Its hard enough in life just to stay afloat,

    If you want to protect your castle, then dig a moat,

    On the hop, cos you stop, how will you cope,

    Who in their right mind is going to use dope,

    To be enslaved once again would really get my goat,

    Being controlled to my soul, by the King of Smoke,

    Just like we do when we use a tv remote,

    Go with Freedom my friends, why don't you elope,

    Jumping for joy like African Antelope,

    Feeling good like you should, Freedom is a top, top bloke,

    Thanks to The Father, what would you rather I wrote,

    The King wants to kill us all, in one stroke,

    But a wheel cannot turn with something stuck in the spokes,

    From Lands end my friend up to John O'Groats,

    He the King wants to bind me and keep me close,

    To be his faithful subject and me to raise a toast,

    To my love The King, whom I loved the most,

    He needed somewhere to live and I am a good host,

    I killed your Dad! boy, I hear him boast,

    I can push a button and you will become a ghost,

    I can cook your insides like a burnt Sunday roast,

    So do I run? No way, I am stood here by my post,

    Down by the sea, and from coast to coast,

     

    In the trivia of this life, I am not engrossed,

    My defeat was something the King supposed,

    Oppressed in my chest, tormented in my clothes,

    Pain in my head, blood running from my nose,

    Aching in my back and cramp in my toes,

    But I did not accept, thats just how life goes,

    From my sick bed, finally I arose,

    Freed by the need to write a piece of prose,

    Getting rid of the grief, I Ebayed my woes,

    Who is the real Chief, yup I knows what I knows,

    Did you think you could defeat me with evil blows,

    I soar like an eagle before the *** crows,

    I am a conqueror, my strength grows and grows,

    Feeling fine, peace is mine, so it's time to close,

    In your mind this sounds like one of your flows,

    One of a kind, one at a time the King is exposed,

    You were caught  in a bind, and you got what you chose,

    So who is the real King? . . . . That is the question I pose.

  • The History Of The Smo’ King. (Who rules Who exactly?)
    “Smoking you’re joking, no thanks not me.”
    This is the history of the Smo’ King,
    If he rules your life, then he will ruin everything,
    If you have never met him then hear what I say,
    In my description of his servant’s typical day,
    Awake in the morning, could be around dawn,
    Tired but alive with a lazy mans yawn,
    Either before or after breaking your fast,
    You will honour him by saying, “at last”
    He promises you comfort that you never receive,
    Filling you with lies only a fool would believe,
    Like a drug, or bug, he’s in your bloodstream,
    He is like life to you, do you know what I mean?
    It’s really funny, but not that you would laugh,
    Some people take him everywhere, even in the bath,
    He has injured and killed so many to this very day,
    To serve him as king you must be prepared to pay,
    You will spend the last penny in this World that you possess,
    That is what he charges to take away your stress,
    He can’t even do that, he puts more on enough,
    Makes me sick. . . . . . . . Do you want another puff?
    He marks every servant with a special scent,
    Those that have served him will know what that meant,
    His touch is like poison, in fact thats what it is,
    With much avoidance, then you will live,
    You see he has fooled many into thinking, they rule him,
    However, millions are the servants of the Smo’ King,
    He will make you think of him, both day and night,
    To break his rule over you can be a difficult fight,
    When you are feeling the pain, the hurt and the strain,
    Wondering if you will ever be free again,
    What does he want, what is his aim?
    Your heart, soul and mind is what he wants to claim,
    From one to ten, and from ten to a grand,
    How did I get addicted? I don’t understand,
    I used to reach for him without giving it a thought,
    I won’t preach this King because he brings me to nought,
    To break his hold over you is done through the truth,
    If told you how to get away, would you take the escape route?
    There is nothing to argue or even be debated,
    It’s high time the King was assassinated,
    For what he has done, he must be made to pay,
    Me and you, are free to turn around and walk away.
    H.
  • Unique~Not A Freak.

     

     

    A lot of people I know like me

    But I dont know any like me

    Some have been through pain like me

    And come through it again like me

    Who has a brain like me

    Some seek answers like me

    Some were dancers like me

    Some were chancers like me

    Many were used like me

    For a time confused like me

    Many were abused like me

    Are you on FB like me

    Do you watch TV like me

    Got a CV like me

    Sometimes wrong like me

    Want to get along like me

    Feeling strong like me

    Bubbly and bright like me

    Born to fight like me

    Love to write like me

    Looking for truth like me

    With genuine proof like me

    Want to shout from the roof like me

    Free from the Matrix like me

    Cant stand the hatred like me

    Watching them play tricks like me

    Not into the fame stuff like me

    Bringing the names up like me

    Knowing their games up like me

    Reading the times like me

    Revealing the signs like me

    Freeing the minds like me

    A lot of people I know like me

    But I dont know any like me

     

  • I wrote this as an acrostic poem for Steve at
                    ADULTS WITH AUTISM
              Steve - You Believe
    Adults with Autism, that would be me and you,
    Don’t often say or do, what other people do,
    Understanding us is sometimes not too easy,
    Loving us is wonderful, is that a bit too cheesy,
    Thinking as we do, feeling like this,
    Sometimes some obvious things are quite easy to miss,
    When you’re feeling low, blue or even depressed,
    It can show through, when you are being stressed,
    Try as we might, and I know I am right,
    Having Autism, and keeping it out of sight,
    Amounts to stupidity multiplied by shame,
    Unrecognised by many, but we know his name,
    The funny and quirky things that we all do,
    Is what makes me myself, and yourself you,
    So in summing up this is what I’m trying to say,
    Make the most of what you have, and do it today.
  • I like this one thank you for sharing.