Published on 12, July, 2020
I really wish that I could hibernate. This time of year has nothing to commend itself to me. I hate the dark, cold, grey days of winter. Most of the family I have lost died in winter. The worst bullying I experienced was in the run up to christmas and at christmas work social events. Before I retired, I used to look forward to some time off work and to overindulging in food and drink. I am now more health concious, and always used to hate the mixture of hangovers and that dreadful moment of getting on the scales in January to see what damage I had done.
I think I come from an autistic family. The more I read, the more asd traits I remember in my parents. They wouldn't take part in Christmas when they became older. They had a bare minimum of contact with the outside world, once they retired. I am not as unsociable as they are, but christmas has too much socialising and even the nicest of pubs is noisy and overcrowded.
January had a strange effect, in that I would become hyperactive, crash diet, and decide I could survive by will power alone. I would focus entirely on my goals until the horrible moment of realisation came, that I was trampling over everyones feelings and great waves of resentment were hitting me from everyone I knew. I would then crawl away and hide until the worst was past. By the end of February, life would return to normal and I could look forward to spring.
Is there anything nice about this time of year?
I have a strange Christmas! I work as a catsitter (visiting rather than staying), and it's the busiest day of the year. I spend all day walking (no car and no public transport) and visit lots of cats. Some of the clients leave presents and cards, and there's texts to be sent and notes to be left, but I hardly see anyone.
It can be hard sometimes: I kept it to 10 visits this year as my health hasn't been great, but usually I do up to 15. I get home so tired I usually haven't got the energy to even microwave food. And this goes on for several days... A couple of years ago there was torrential rain one day, and I came down with flu. I was about to phone my agency boss and ask if anyone could cover some of my visits and she phoned me and asked me to cover one of someone else's (they'd gone off with flu... and I did it!)
It's 5 or 6 years now I've been doing this. But I would like to see my family next year. I've had some meltdowns at Christmas with them before, but it would be nice to do it occasionally even so!
In the lead up to Christmas shops can be awful. I like getting last minute bargains, but hate the crowds. One year at a local sainsburies I saw the police called to an argument over half a cucumber (I am not kidding)
The tape of Christmas songs they've been playing has been irritating me too. Wouldn't be so bad, but the woman singing does them in a jolly, happy way. There's 'The Ugly Duckling': a song about how everyone hates someone who's ugly, but when they become beautiful suddenly they are liked. Really I don't see anything 'jolly' about a story of someone feeling they have to hide away because they are ugly. And of course people shouldn't be judged on appearances.
Then there's 'Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer', which again features someone being teased and left out because of their appearance. I suppose you could say it's better, because at least he becomes useful with the same appearance. But does anyone really believe all the other reindeer suddenly love him because Santa finds a use for his nose? Sounds like they are all trying to suck up to Santa to me. And why didn't Santa do anything about the bullying before?
I know there's a positive message in both of them (things will get better... everyone has strengths that will be revealed...) but I can't be completely comfortable with how the dark side, appearance orientation and bullying in the stories is taken for normal. None of the bullies receive any consequences.