Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I haven't been on for a while as life was jogging along nicely, but something has come up that I am totally out of my depth, and comfort zone with, and I am hoping some one here will be able to help.
My son is almost 13 now and has Aspergers. He is a wonderful articulate loving boy, who has been through a really rough time, that we are coming out the other side of. He takes prozac to manage his anxiety.
He is going through puberty and has announced that he is gay, that is fine and not the problem, (I don't care if he loves a blue koala as long as he is happy), I mention it because it might be related to his problem.
He has for a while had wetting and soiling issues which have had me stumped, because he used to be really reliable. Tonight after a lot of reassurance he sent me this message over skype as it was easier than talking to me face to face (I get that it is embarrassing for him at his age>)
the reason why I am urinating is cus I am a idiot and I stick my hand up my but witch cause me to wee. and I want to stop cus its not helping and idk what to do I am sorry
but I cant stop and I don't know hy
why*
I understand that it is a pleasuring thing and also probably sensory aswell but I have no idea how to talk to him, to help him stop. It is having a huge impact on his life. he is needing lots of changes of clothes, his hands and nails and around the nails are always filthy because of where they are going, and his is having repeated bouts of diarrhoea.
Sorry to ask for help but I am totally utterly stumped, and I want to help him, especially with school coming up
Thank you,
I have a block on my internet that doesn't allow porn, and My son doesn't go out because we live in a small village
There was an incident about a year ago where he was brought into a dare club, and because he was vulnerable, he was coerced into performing a sex act on another boy. The school knew and told none of the parents involved. I only found out because my friends daughter told what was going on... This was after 8 months of bullying for my son. Which led to panic attacks, depression and 2 suicide attemps. I believe he had been telling people in year 6 that he liked boys, and it went from there
I asked my son today if he was comfortable talking to me and he said no, but I could write to him so I sent him this note
I know that there are a lot of things that you find it difficult to talk to me about in person, so I have tried to write this down the best way that I can.
Firstly I love you very much, nothing will ever change that, you have nothing to feel ashamed about, so please read all of this.
As you know exploring your body is natural, whether it is for sexual reasons or not, it is all part of growing up, and totally normal.
I am unsure how you came across the idea that putting your fingers/hand up your anus and I want to make sure that you are not doing it because you feel you should get pleasure this way because you are gay and there is no alternative, and I wanted to make sure that you aren't being encouraged or pressured in to it by other people.
The way that you are chosing to explore/pleasure at the moment is having an impact on your life, and also on mine. You need to understand that it is a choice, and if it is the only thing that provides you with satisfaction, then there are a couple of things that we are going to have to put in place. You MUST MUST MUST really wash your hands thoroughly afterwards. You know I have been aware for a while about the brown around and under your nails. If you don't wash and go round touching anything afterwards there is a really strong chance that you are going to get sick, and that you are going to get me sick....again. Also it smells Matt, and you really have enough problems at school, without people commenting on the state/smell of your hands. It is also causing you to soil and urinate yourself. It really isn't fair to expect me to clean this up Matt. So I have ordered a laundry basket, for you to put these clothes into and you are going to have to take responsibility for doing this. The reason your tummy has been so bad recently is partly anxiety and partly because of the stimulation, you also stimulate your bladder too through the wall which is why you urinate. Again both of these things will smell, so you need to be having a shower afterwards. You need to try and think this through beforehand. It is going to be embarrassing for you to have me pestering you to wash/ shower and pick up your room, so you need to judge if you are going to be able to do it with out being pestered.
I know that you say you want to stop but you can't. So, why do you want to stop? I can't be with you 24/7 Matt each time you do this it is a choice to do it, and I appreciate that any habit is hard to stop, but you broke the lucozade habit. It is about setting something up to distract yourself, at those moments.
Have you tried other forms of masturbation (no I don't want to know, it is a question for you to think about) they are less messy! If you have things you need to ask I am here so are uncle Paul and David.
He sees a psychiatrist occasionally at the moment, and his new school (High school) school are making sure the other boy can't get to my son. They have a really good support unit for children on the spectrum.
We have had lots of hugs today and I have reassured him that it doesn't matter what he does I will alway love him, to which he replied that he is a really lucky boy with a cool mum!
I just am not sure how to get through to him about the hygiene part, I think he has taken it in, but it is difficult to tell.
I want him to be happy, but to set boundries about privacy etc etc. am I doing ok??
I will look through the books you have suggested,
crazydarkside said:I have a block on my internet that doesn't allow porn
Paradoxically perhaps, I wonder if that was counterproductive. It's well known (among experts at least) that such manipulation of internet data results in both under- and over-blocking and may prevent access to sensible sexual advice covering development and masturbation, as well as appropriate teen forums. Without the block it may be easier to find 'mainstream' gay or straight porn in whatever media, which should be far more visible than anything 'weird' or coercive (yes, such videos or stories idealised and unrealistic, but that point can be stressed in sex education). The tabloid media have been entirely misleading on this and influencing politicians. Failing that, sex education books would have seemed the traditional enlightened way to do it.
I think communicating in text was a great idea... OK, I see this thread is 4 years old (stumbled on it checking something else), so hope he's happy and healthy by now.