Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a woman who is married with 5 kids. I was diagnosed in the last year with high functioning ASD and felt very positive about the whole thing as it answers a lot of questions I had about why I behaved the way I did when I was young and how I behave now.
I got myself through university and trained as a health care professional. I worked in a very busy and sometimes daunting environment. I was very unhappy there. I didn’t fit in, got comments made to me about taking longer to organise myself etc etc. But I was very good at my job as I could connect with clients and families. Sometimes getting too emotional in the process and taking on their worries as my own. This again was exhausting.
I have moved settings now and work with younger clients who may have ASD among other problems. I disclosed to my supervisor and to my surprise was met with questions like why I arrived at thinking I have ASD and how they thought I was normal. This got into a very awkward discussion of how socially awkward I feel.
I explained that I am professional and can connect with people in the structured environment of work and am very focused. Basically justifying how I have been able to work in my profession for the last 9 years. I feel like she was asking me how I can do my job and see traits and problems that ASD clients have when traditionally ASD in itself is associated with poor communication.
I have been trained over the years to learn how to make people like me. It is exhausting but I can do it. Also I am very analytical and can focus on what is going on and can project the problems I see into what problems the client can have in the future. This is insight I have learned over he years through experience and learning.
I guess what I am getting at is that, with my diagnoses, I feel now that my ability to do my job is being questioned by my new manager. This upsets me greatly. I worked very hard, and struggled to navigate the social gauntlet of university and the work place, now to be faced with this.
In turn, will health professionals like the GP and health visitors automatically assume I am a terrible parent as well. I just feel lost. I’ve never felt like I fitted in, have learned to not speak at times when I would like to for fear of saying the wrong thing.
Sometimes when I do let people see glimpses of the real me, I get funny looks as my humour doesn’t match theirs or I can seem a bit immature in my silliness. This is something I have learned from even primary school where my class mates made nasty comments when I made up little songs or acted ‘uncool,’
My family and friends for the most part get me. As u can imagine, they are a very select few. My husband has a similar sense of humour and we get on great but my ‘organised chaos’ approach does sometimes cause conflict from time to time.
Has anyone any idea what I can do or any similar experience? I wish I hadn’t disclosed this to my boss as I now am in a state of panic.
I love your practical advice Possibly Autistic, I'm mesmerised by your words. I keep reading this part of this sentence '...I'd expect a well-managed health team to cultivate this type of culture' ~ honestly, those words are intoxicating to me, I'm totally awestruck at how you put those words together! I would have loved you to be my supervisor when I was working in social care. I probably would have thrived. You have the clear practical understanding but grounded on a much deeper level of understanding and compassion which I rarely encounter in people. I'm totally missing that practical aspect although thankfully, I'm finally getting help with that now, but your words!!! I would probably follow you around like a lap dog or something if I worked with you because you make me feel spell bound! Lol! Honestly, I can't stop reading what you've wrote and it's all such great practical advice as well, that doesn't sound so scary when you say it, but it's more than that, I don't know what it is, I can't explain it but I'm mesmerised! I bet the people you supervise don't know how lucky they are! Thanks for making my day today and for putting that extra bit of joy in my heart ️
@NAS38066
Could you ask your manager directly what they are actually thinking?
You will probably find it's not what you are imagining.
I supervise staff at work (social care) and most people project onto others to a greater or lesser degree their own fears and desires. It's quite surprising some of the stories that people have and how they routinely reinforce and perpetuate these without seeking to challenge their belief.
The only way to really know what someone is thinking is by asking them.
I think most people in a supportive and open environment will give an honest answer when asked and I'd expect a well-managed health team to cultivate this type of culture.
As my forum name suggests I'm undiagnosed but have strong suspicions I may be on the spectrum. It's through reading the work of Prof. Tony Attwood, Sarah Hendrickx and a recent interview experience that I've started to seriously consider ASC.
From what I've read over the past 2 months, my understanding of Autism has really broadened beyond my existing understanding of ASC (I work with adults with learning disabilities and ASC), especially in regards to the more subtle presentation and the scale of the misunderstanding created by the word 'spectrum' when Autism is characterised by a spikey ability profile.
Per previous comments, I do think that there's an opportunity to direct your work place towards an updated evidence based understanding of ASC to include the more subtle presentation, masking / camouflaging strategies and autistic exhaustion & burnout.
As you work with children with suspected ASC then there are also opportunities in supporting those parents who may also be on the spectrum but without a diagnosis. I can imagine that your 'insider' knowledge could be of particular benefit here sign-posting parents to adult ASC services and championing and developing new services to support autistic parents with autistic kids.
I recently informed two managers I work with that I'm seeking a referral for ASC. I could see that there was possibly some initial scepticism (I work with people with very obvious and spikey profiles), but when I described more of my quirks and how I think I fit the diagnostic criteria my managers seemed to be more open to this possibility.
I hope that you are able to dissolve your fears via a chat with your manager and continue the conversation as to how this may benefit the development of your team.
As a starting point you could direct them to the free CPD accredited NAS 'Women and Girls' module:
https://www.autismonlinetraining.com/enrol/index.php?id=44
And the Futurelearn 'Understanding Autism' module for when it comes back online:
https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/autism
Hi nas38066, I would say that you have a great opportunity here, to not only show how your diagnosis can only be a strength in your current role and how your education and work record is testimony to your commitment to your job and chosen career path but also to show the diversity of autism.
You want to get her on side. Let her know that you can understand that it's sometimes not easy to equate autism with somebody who appears to function 'normally' in society. Autism has been called the hidden disability because we often mask the condition when out in public and many of us have got very good at this.
Nt's speak a language which is understood by other nt's, but not autistics. And autistics share a language not understood by nt's. This puts you in a perfect position at work as you have the ability to understand your client's. You also have the professional background to know how to help them.
Let your boss know that you disclosed your diagnosis to her because what you were really asking for is her support. Tell her that you've got this far in your career and you want to go further and that is most likely to happen more easily, if you know you have the support and understanding of your boss and colleagues.
Let her know that there are many admirable qualities in many autistic people, which make us great employees. This is your opportunity to let her know who you are. You don't have to do this alone. There are many people and organisations that can support you and help you with it. This is not a question of you having to validate yourself or your autism, but rather an opportunity to share understanding. Don't look at this from the point of view of how it has made you feel. Think about this from her point of view. Many, if not all of us, question our diagnosis at some point or points. Because it doesn't make sense. How can we operate so well in one area of life and seem to fail so miserably in others? It's because we're trying to fit ourselves into a mould that wasn't made for us. That doesn't mean we give in.
It means we bring awareness and understanding to situations we encounter. We don't want any more divisions. If we can't do this for ourselves, we have to do this for the people less able than us. Autistic people are different. We're different to nt's and now we're getting a better understanding of who we are, we realise we don't have to fit into the mould; the mould has to change shape to accommodate us. This world doesn't have to be like it is and it can't be, if we are going to thrive, as all human beings have the right to do. You don't want to make enemies. Don't rush into a decision on how you're going to approach this. Allow yourself to fully process it and ask yourself, how can you best help this situation for the benefit of all? You want a win, win, win situation.
What does it matter what anyone else thinks of you? Who cares if someone thinks you're a bad parent. Most of us are, at some point or points in our parenting careers. Besides, no or very few parents are all bad or all good and seriously, who cares what some doctor or nurse thinks anyway? Their thoughts don't change who we are. Unless we allow them to.
Honestly, we often take longer to process new information and we can often hinder that process by trying to work it all out while it's still whirling through our heads. Give yourself some time and space and truly, there is help out there that can help you to do what you can to get the support you would like and the opportunity to really show case your skills etc. You could maybe offer to give a talk on how autism can present itself in many diverse ways and how we need to support individuals to create lives that are meaningful to them. You could help them cut through the stereotypes. Super well done on getting this far though and remember, it can take a good year at least, post diagnosis, to really come to terms with it, accept it and own it. People don't know who we are until we come out and tell them so well done you for coming out. It was a brave and courageous move and I hope you are congratulating yourself for that. That alone will take some time to process. It can feel like a thunder bolt coming at us. You're stepping into new territory and that's terrifying. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the love and appreciation that you deserve and look after yourself extra well as you transition through this major life change. Imagine if you were your little girl. How would you soothe her and reassure her and show her just how well she's really doing? Take good care of you and don't think you have to do this alone. Thanks for sharing this and I hope that by sharing it, it helped to calm that mind a bit.
Thank you all for the information. I’m really grateful that you took the time to reply. This all seems like a mind field and just like my life always feels, this feels like a car speeding with no breaks down a hill.
I’m hoping that my employer has common sense. It’s not like all of a sudden I can’t cope with my work. Although I have changed jobs, the skills I have are what got me the job in the first place. As always, I worry what is coming down the road instead of waiting until it happens.
I worked hard to get where I am so I’m determined not to just avoid it all as I would likely have done in my youth when things got too much. The discussion I had was so awkward and I didn’t think it was really appropriate at the time but didn’t have the confidence to just say that.
I felt obliged to explain what I found difficult because it was me that brought it up. I’m hoping to get a referral to some support so I can deal with these types of situations again for that’s what I lack. I have never been able to stick up for myself.
Gii said:I can do my job and see traits and problems that ASD clients have when traditionally ASD in itself is associated with poor communication.
It is truly ironic that this would be used as a criticism. Surely you can see the issues of ASD clients more clearly because you yourself are autistic not in spite of it. If there were any justice in the world, any team like yours would be glad of the insight you could bring to the job and would be encouraging you to share this with your colleagues. As an autistic person myself, I would be relieved to know that I was working with someone who was both professionally qualified and had some innate experience of my condition. It may be worth trying to make this point with your manager; that with a few simple adjustments, your condition would not impair your performance, on the contrary, it makes you uniquely qualified to deal with some of your clients.
Hi, do you belong to a Union, like UNISON, a similar situation happened to me, which you can read on earlier threads about how I lost my job when I came out as 'ASD' at work. However they have to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate you and some employers are ignoring the 2010 Equality and Diversity act. Like you I came out this year and my senior Management attitude completely changed towards me, someone with a physical disability is also having difficulties with the same senior management, as we keep in touch after work. I now belong to various campaign groups like 'Black Triangle' Autism UK and the NAS, which campaigns on behalf of people within society who have disability labels. We have a lot of strengths and a lot to give but we are vulnerable in this day and age due to austerity measures, cuts in workplaces etc. I hope that I have been of some help and do not give in to the Managers, get someone to speak for you and alongside you, record everything, so you don't get bullied out of work.
I'm not in that position myself, but read or heard stories that sounds pretty similar about autistic people working with autistic clients and having problems with typical colleagues, so hope other people can answer properly.
It sounds rather like your manager may have a rather narrow idea of 'ASD' in relation to the young clients and may be trying to see how that applies to you, after you disclosed, to see if it has any bearing on how you do the job, not whether you can do it. Clearly you have been doing a related job and were qualified for this job, and nothing has changed just because you have a label. Or another way of looking at it is that she may want to know whether she needs to make any reasonable adjustments so you can do the job. Do you think there are any things that would help, either in getting the job done or to make you more confident in dealing with any problems that arise? If you get a chance to respond on that, then it may help frame it as an Equality Act issue just in case that's not already being considered.
Gii said:questions like why I arrived at thinking I have ASD and how they thought I was normal
You mean there was an assumption that no one working there was autistic? Or that they didn't believe you could be autistic? Or that your behaviour passes perfectly as neurotypical?
From those actually considerate typical people around me who know a bit about autism/ASC, I have heard stereotypes ('don't like strong emotion', 'don't like change' etc) that don't exactly help self-confidence. It's easy for them to forget that autistic people are very diverse, more so than they've been taught or from experience. So it is with 'associated with poor communication'. Any difference is more complicated than that: it doesn't mean you can't communicate and in fact you may be able to communicate in a particular domain more clearly than most people, and you may find you communicate with autistic clients better than typical people do. That positive experience is something I've heard more than once, and supports the idea of being 'on a different wavelength'. A communication problem is not an individual thing, but between two or more people. I wonder if they have ever heard Damian Milton's description of the 'double empathy problem'. It may be a difficult question worth asking, but if the workplace regularly works with autistic clients and they have at least one autistic staff member, have they ever had any autistic-led training?
Gii said: will health professionals like the GP and health visitors automatically assume I am a terrible parent as well
That seems like an unrelated situation, although you may want to consider how you disclose there. I would hope your family and friends can support you there.
Hope I haven't misinterpreted what you wrote too badly.