Can't tell what is me and what is the mask. Unsure of who I really am

How do you drop the mask and how do you even identify it in the first place? It's so engrained Disappointed

  • just not ever ineracting with other people, thus remaining safe.

    This is replied to DragonCat16, but is a reply in general...

    Myself, whenever I tried to "Mask", I think I gained the same. Plus it was for myself, kind of "lying" and so I stopped. (lying.) There are advantages and disadvantages to masking and not doing so.

    I may offer cheer at anyone whom I "feel" is genuinely doing so at myself. Though I may at times see a bigger picture than them - ie as suggested, they "eventually" detect the mask...

    But never masking has its benefits also: I am always honest, and I  tell it like it is, yet I am Tactful (!) and not Rude. They may interpret it later as "rude", but then still later may realise what really went on. Sometimes, I become appreciated for being "Rude, Honest, Taciturn"... this translates as Respectful and sometimes (for myself) as being very Loyal! 

    These are Traits that Autism should be about. But in normal society... well, one finds out who is TRUE by simply being TRUE to them. (True can be replaced there with "Respect".)

    I almost forgot to add: I put that quote there, because not interacting is a learned practice, yet does not always keep one "safe". As I said, the situations are different. Some respect that, and some (bullies) will pounce upon it...

    ... I did not get any "upvotes" for my own posts so far here, Ho Ho (!)... and so how about this one instead, hmmm...?    :-) 

  • When I am alone, the inside of my head is chaotic & usually profoundly negative with multiple critical narratives running at once (hence my depression). These narratives often take the form of full blown virtual reality presentations about my past & probable future failures.

    Interesting.  I'm very much the same.  My work takes me out of myself and allows me to express myself.  But once I'm at home alone - which is actually where I want to be and prefer to be - I'm a mess of confusion and negativity.  I have no distraction.  Just me, with my thoughts.  My overwhelming sense of lack of personal fulfillment.  My endless ruminations about why I'm still stuck here, where I was when I started, rather than living the life I dreamed of as a kid.  Knowing I have huge potential to exploit, but struggling to find the right way of doing it.

  • I'm never myself anymore, but when I was a teenager and dropped the act for a while and was myself, people would immediately reject me, so now I know I need to be someone else in order not to be hated by people. Of course, my acting is still not good enough. Eventually people perceive that I'm unusual and that's much worse than being a psychopath, apparently, because there are plenty of them around and they are quite popular. So the choice for me is between wearing the mask and eventually being discovered and hated or just not ever ineracting with other people, thus remaining safe.

  • The problem with the term 'Mask' is that implies an attempt to conceal the real person underneath, so at least for me a better term would be 'Avatar' (in the real sense of the word, not just from the crappy movie), since it defines a direct manifestation of what would otherwise be impossible to perceive, i.e. the inside of someone else's head.

    When I am alone, the inside of my head is chaotic & usually profoundly negative with multiple critical narratives running at once (hence my depression). These narratives often take the form of full blown virtual reality presentations about my past & probable future failures. This is unfortunately the 'Real Me' & there is no way of directly conveying it to anyone else.

    Conversely, when I am with other people I can push a lot of the negativity away & become the 'Avatar' of myself that I have evolved within that setting. Each 'Avatar' is still really me, since they are composed of real identity fragments in my head, just filtered to be those I deem to be appropriate or acceptable in that setting. The interesting part of this is that the unused fragments (especially the negative ones) seem to fade into the background, so when I am with friends it is actually possible to relax & enjoy myself without being constantly criticised inside my own head. This is also why being around negative people is a bad idea, since it tends to make me feel worse.

    I have read & watched a lot of heavy duty material on the theory of Consciousness & there is still no real consensus on how it actually works, i.e. there is no single area in the brain you can point to & say that is where my 'Identity' lives, rather it is some sort of emergent property of the whole brain, with the common perception of 'Self' as a singular entity somewhere in the middle being just a delusion.

    Assuming that the 'Real Me' is supposed to be who I am like when I am alone, it is sometimes like a 'Computer Algorithm' (if I am focussed on a given task), other times like a 'Committee' (if I am making plans), or all too often like a 'Courtroom Trial' (when I am feeling depressed & nihilistic). None of these give me any sense of identity & I don't really know what other people mean by the term. On the other hand, when in the company of friends, the 'Mask/Avatar' seems to temporarily give me a real sense of identity & even happiness.

    To be honest, I'm not sure there ever was a 'Real Me' in the sense that most people seem to describe, but I prefer the 'Masks/Avatars' anyway & find being alone for extended periods of time both difficult & exhausting. I'm not sure how common this experience is, but I suppose everyone is different ;-)

  • I think it becomes evident to me when I consider how I behave in a social context, such as at work, and how I behave when alone.  I work with autistic people, and have worked for 13 years in general special needs care.  I feel much more 'natural' in my behaviour around such people.  In many senses, they bring out the child, the performer, the entertainer in me - which, really, is the natural me.  That 'me' also crosses over in my interactions with my NT colleagues, many of whom are much more - how should I put it? - reserved in their ways!  In fact, it's been said to me by people that they're surprised I'm autistic because I'm quite extrovert, always ready to make a joke, always singing, always behaving light-heartedly.  That's because of the service users, though.  I couldn't be like that in any other context, really.  Next to being on stage, it's a perfect working environment for me.  When I was a civil servant, by contrast - working with a lot of very buttoned-up people in an office - it drove me to despair.  There was no room for me to express myself naturally.  People simply thought I was odd.  As has been the case for much of my life in other areas: school, work, social activities (which have been generally kept to a minimum).  I always feel awkward in such circumstances.  In some ways, I suppose, my childish approach to life is a way of trying to gain acceptance.  If I can make people laugh, I'm succeeding.

    At home, I don't socialise.  I don't go out unless I have to - to shop, or for a cycle ride, or to get to appointments.  I have no friends, nor do I especially want any.  They're too much of a distraction, and friendships are something I've never succeeded at or felt comfortable about.  It sounds odd and contradictory, I know, but I like to be highly thought of and liked... but I'm uncomfortable with the idea of people liking me, and I don't really like compliments.  Someone at work said to me 'You're a really great guy - others have said so - and it's always great to work with you.'  I should feel flattered by that.  But really, I'd rather not know.

    I'm not really sure if I'm getting anywhere close to answering your question.  The 'me' I show at work is, by and large, the real me.  When the service users arrive in the morning, I'm like an actor going out on stage and giving a performance - and that performance is where I actually live.  I was reading that the late Peter Sellers, a great comic genius, was very unhappy and insecure being Peter Sellers.  His life was the characters he played.  Another seeming contradiction for me, then: the 'act' I seem to be putting on around the service users is the real me being expressed.  It isn't actually an act at all.  The act is when I have to be serious, grown up, adult - as I'm supposed to be at my age.  That's what I really have to practice at.  I've gotten better over the years.  But it's always exhausting.  Which is why my weekends are more about mentally and physically recharging myself than they are for most people.  I need the isolation.  I need to switch off from all people.

  • Maybe we should ask Caroline. I think I recall her saying that diagnosis and looking at things in a frame of neurodiversity has both reduced her depression and been a different way of looking at things... but it's a good question.

    Here's Caroline's site: http://autismmatters.org.uk/

  • The Daily Mail article was interesting. But one thing I didn't pick up from it, which is significant, is whether her receiving and accepting her diagnosis of autism reduced or stopped occurrences of her depression?

  • I suppose the alternative would be to look sullen rather than smiley or to leave the social interaction as soon as possible and then there would be the gossip that would ensue after my 'rudeness'.

    ...Thank You for answering, yours was a darned good answer, there. As I said, I 'hoped' what I said was something useful, despite my not really knowing about it (masking)...

    There is good reason to put anyone off myself, considering what I quote, there --- This is totally myself (in public)...ever since passing age 25...!

    I can be happy, but when I show it, then... well, that is when my UserName kicks in. Yet This Thread is about yourself and others and not about myself, though...         ;-)

  • I have masked my whole life. I have a different mask for every person and every situation and I would say this of each of them. Every mask is you. This is why you can't really identify or drop it as easily as you think. No mask of mine is exactly 'fake', it is just a part of myself that has been polished under extreme stress. I find them uncomfortable to wear, but they still come from within me or they would be impossible to keep up, if that makes sense. Even learned and mimicked behaviour becomes a part of you in the end and it is something you perhaps have to learn to embrace?

    It is hard for you to be in a situation where you can feel relaxed enough to start to allow yourself to be truly unguarded and vulnerable, so taking off masks is something you might find a natural inner reluctance towards. I manage to 'unmask' myself when I am in nature and around animals because they require nothing from you but your instinctive responses and love. You need not speak with them, they just need _you_ at your core. If you want to find yourself unmasked, go find an animal away from any humans and spend some time with it (if it is something you can do) or maybe just spend some time around something natural you find beautiful if animals aren't your thing. That is just my suggestion because that is what works for me. It might be different for you. After all, this does affect us all in different ways. I hope this was of some assistance for you.

    All my best, Nyo.

  • Daily mail article was very good

  • I want to drop them because I'm exhausted and I don't necessarily want to interact or be around the people I'm masking for. The people aren't nice. But I do not want to be seen as their enemy because I have to be with them every day at work. I also wonder who the real me is. All the masking has made me wonder who am I beneath all of this

  • Very insightful! I experience a lot of those emotions a LOT. Guilt, sickness, uneasiness. I suppose the alternative would be to look sullen rather than smiley or to leave the social interaction as soon as possible and then there would be the gossip that would ensue after my 'rudeness'. The guilt and worry over being judged as rude, bad or dislikably weird would be a lot more than the guilt felt when keeping up a mask in the moment. What a horrible choice! 'Interaction+Guilt+Fear+mask=exhaustion and stress'  or 'limited interaction+no mask+fear=Lots of guilt+lots of fear, worry and paranoia about what others think'  I'm too scared to drop the mask even though it is really bad for my health

  • Greetings. This is from - if anyone is wondering about me! - someone who is very much Apergers, yet never "Masks" or "Stims": When something is bad or upsetting for myself, I have Physical Illnesses which simply make me sort of "Shut Down"...!

    how do you even identify it in the first place? It's so engrained

    ...I think that if acting a certain way, even if in genuine "acting" (as if in a professional play or dramatics)... even if pretending to smile or chat... if it makes oneself feel just a little bit uneasy, or guilty, or sick... then THAT is the "Mask" (hence the Term). If it does not feel right, or beneficial to others, or makes yourself unhappy, then THAT is the "Mask" as well, I think. 

    What is not a "Mask" makes yourself happy and others happy (enough) at that time. After masking for a long time, or never masking, the difference can be sort of "felt" as a "feeling"...

    "Hope this helps!" as NAS used to like to say...(!)

  • Can I ask why you would want to drop the mask? I know what you mean. my masks are so engrained but I take them of when I am on my own at home - I tic, clap, and flap when no-one can see me :) 

  • I think it is. Other people will disagree I'm sure, but maybe the 'mask' is kind of part of you. It's a whole bunch of habits that have grown up, like a tree that's grown around a fence.

    I feel like I'm talking out of my hat, but here goes:

    The first thing is to tell someone. If they're not interested, that probably doesn't help. If they are and ask what it means to you, you could get feedback about how you appear to them - some of those things could be authentic atypical you, some bits could be masking something, some bits could be authentic but typical.

    Beyond that, how about meeting other autistic people who might be able to see through the mask? You may be interested in Caroline Hearst's 'Autism Matters': http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2805241/I-ve-felt-like-outsider-Caroline-Hearst-s-autism-diagnosed-age-55.html

    Or in this thread:
    http://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/12470/has-thinking-of-yourself-as-autistic-changed-your-social-behaviour