Social mistakes in school - help x

Oh my, now it’s my turn to cry! Jess, you have to know that what you see in me, is already in you. I am simply a reflection of you. It brings me great joy to know you and honestly, I’m in awe because you’re so young and yet so wise and so brave, not to mention so loving, compassionate and non judgemental ~ the world really is your oyster, whatever that means! Lol! 

I too have a special box just like yours. I’m currently in the process of clearing out the past 51 years of my life. I’m getting it down to the absolute bare minimum because even though this is hard for me, I realised that I must be organised and my life must be as simple as possible, if I’m going to make a living and live as me in this crazy topsy turvy world, but the one thing I’m keeping, is my special box and I’m honoured that I’m going to be in yours. I’m going to print this out and put it in mine as well because I know that you totally see me and I appreciate that and I really appreciate your words.

Keep on being your beautiful self and don’t sit with anything for too long, come on here or talk to somebody because autism is both simple and complex - complex when framed in a neurotypical understanding which is currently not only the dominant thought pattern amongst the majority of people, but they actually believe, without actually questioning it, that their way is the only and correct way of experiencing life, so it can get confusing at times but when you talk to people who understand, things get a lot clearer and we gain a greater understanding. I’m still learning about autism and how my brain works although I no longer question it, I accept it, get to know it and build my life around it instead of trying to squash me into a hole I don’t fit into or belong. 

Lots of Love little sister X

Hi,

I am sitting here in tears of happiness at your message. You are such a kind person, I actually cannot get over it. If only there were more people like you in this crazy world the place would be a lot better and brighter. You have actually made a massive impact on me, I appreciate it so much I could never put it down in words.

I hope you don't mind but I took a screenshot of your message ( I won't show anyone else) and I am going to put it in my special box where I keep all my treasured things so I can always look back at your message ( as I sometimes forget my password to this!).

Thank you will never be enough but just know you have made such a big difference in someone's life today and I do believe you will recieve what you give to the world, so I hope kindness reaches you.

Love, Jess x

Jess, you are a beautiful, beautiful person. Stay around the people who enable you to be you and over time, you'll build up the inner confidence you need to hear the criticisms etc of others, through an atmosphere of love and compassion. This is a process and you gain inner confidence by being true to you. By doing exactly what you're doing. By looking at the situation from all angles, while holding yourself accountable. I doubt there's a bad bone in your body and the more time you spend around people who support you to be yourself, the more your confidence will grow. Don't fight the bad stuff, the obsessive thoughts about if people like us or not. I'm 51 years old, clearly liked by many people yet I can still think a friend hates me when she leaves, even if she tells me she's had a great time! But I don't fight that anymore. Instead, I accept it, I don't try to change it (because besides which, experience has taught me I can't), so I simply crowd it out with the good stuff. I think of all the things I'm grateful for and I focus on my relationships with people who's company I do enjoy. I spend most of my time by myself, which I enjoy but I also now spend time with other autistic people and I'm slowly building up more friendships, at a level I can cope with and with people who's company I can be myself. Building friendships/letting people into my life is a process which is happening at a perfect pace for me and it sounds like your life is moving at a perfect pace for you and you're definitely heading in the right direction. Learn to trust yourself and in yourself and this is a great example. Despite the inner chatter in your head, you trusted yourself enough to know that these popular girls are no longer a benefit to you, in fact, the situation is starting to become damaging and despite what your head was saying, you have moved away from them and you are now spending time in the company of girls you enjoy. Building trust and confidence happens over time, like going to the gym to build muscle. Don't ever look at your progress in terms of how far you have to go. But instead, look how far you've come and if each day, you do just a little better than the day before, you know that you're always doing good. And by the way, spending a week in bed is doing very well. We need extra time to process situations/new information and sometimes the only way we can process stuff is by simply staying in bed, where it's safe and we can just be, even if we are in pain and turmoil in our minds, we are still processing stuff, but below or above the level of consciousness. And remember the absolute number one golden rule, always, without exception, be kind to you. That means not being influenced by your negative self talk and the worries and fears that seem to take up permanent residence in our heads sometimes. Don't fight it. Be gentle and gently add into your life, more and more of the good stuff, i.e. looking after yourself well, spending time with people who support you, doing things you enjoy etc, and it won't make the difficulties disappear but they will have less influence on you and over time you can actually learn to love those aspects of ourselves that sometimes make us want to burry ourselves and hide, but not through force or 'positive thinking' but by crowding out the bad with the good, gently, slowly and authentically along the way. You're a beautiful person Jess and I'm so happy you're on this planet confidence grows organically as we spend more time doing the things we enjoy and spending more time with people we enjoy, it's a natural progression. This changing of friendship groups when we're younger is common to lots of young people, but as autistics the experience is magnified and we don't know how to deal with it. You're doing so well. I wish I had had your level of awareness and trust in self, at your age. It's really admirable. I would actually invite you to look at how incredibly well you have handled this situation and maybe read some books or articles around this stuff as knowledge can be very helpful. You're doing great though, I'm really proud of you and I know my teenage self would be looking up to you and wishing she was more like you. Well done. #inspirational 

Hey, on top of what everyone else said, I would advise you the book "Queen bees and wannabes" (you might find it in online library genesis). It quite helped me as a woman/girl with Asperger too to understand this popularity works, because after school there is a workplace, etc. 

Secondly, you are not a terrible person and it's natural to care what others say or think about us. It's not always healthy for us as it might be an expression of anxiety, and sometimes it's Aspergers Egocentricity showing its face (because people don't see us, don't think about us and don't talk about us nearly as much as we tend to think) and in general, it might worry us, but it's totally natural. You care and you feel a bit wrong with the whole situation which possibly means that your boundaries are being broken. With that said, as a young person with Asperger I was terrible with boundaries, but recently with a lot of online reading I started training them. It helps to feel independent and strong. After some time I gained this feeling of "I won't let you treat me bad" (whoever you is). 

Have you seen "Coping: Asperger guide" (online for free) that talks about social skills?

There is a lot of negative self-talk in your post like that you are ashamed of your thought process and that you are bad at phrasing things - I think in your post there is actually a lot of raw truthfulness and real emotion, which is, possibly, the best way to phrase things. You seem like a bright young person (I am not that old either, I am in 20s) and I hope you will find the resolution, along with peace of mind :) 

Hi Jess,

I'm glad that you've dropped the toxic group of "popular" people for a better set of friends that are more like you. It already sounds like you're happier with this new group. You mention that you're worried at some friends in the "popular" group won't be friends with you now because you're not as popular? Then it's clear that they are friends with your popularity first, and your personality second, and these people aren't good friends. They value what you have, over who you are, and no good friend does that! 

I don't think it's an uncommon worry to have at school - in that environment, popularity is seen as such an important thing when it isn't at all! Caring about what others think of you is normal, but the difference lies in how much weight you give those opinions. Everyone has their own opinion, and they aren't always accurate - you can't please everyone. Be proud of who you are, be confident in yourself, and be assured in what you think - others' opinions are only important if you let them. 

I know that you've been friends with these "popular" girls for years, but things have changed - they are treating you badly, and you need to do what is best for your happiness. These "popular" girls aren't helping you doing that - drop them, and live happily with your new set of friends, the ones who will make you happy and treat you well!x

Much love <3

Sorry to hear this has been so upsetting. I've not idea what things are like for teenage girls and women particularly nowadays. It sounds like there are two groups, the 'geeks' and the popular kids, and ideally you'd like to be in with both of them. I think it's great you've found the new group. Young people usually do worry about their social standing. I don't see why anyone would think you were 'a horrible person'.

I'd say to take it on a person-by-person basis rather than worrying about status or popularity. If there are people whose company you enjoy, great.

Jessicaaaaa said:

I am worried that they won't want anything to do with me if I am not as "popular as before"

Well if they don't on that basis, then they're probably not worth having as friends. Is it that within the 'popular' group, there's one girl who's been telling people not to talk to you? That sounds like bullying, and people can stand up to that, ignore it, or go along with it. I think they should ignore it and hang out with who they want to, as can you.

Jessicaaaaa said:

Does anyone have any tips on learning how to not give a thought to what people think?

Talk it through with other people you trust, telling them exactly what happened and how you feel. Just, as DC says, realise there are more important things in life. I keep mentioning books on cognitive behaviour therapy, as they probably include some tips. One rather extreme example is someone's advice to walk down the street in a large multicoloured wig - it's good practice at not caring what other people think.

Greetings. Hopefully someone else will post something(s) better than this. But...

You sound like a young 'un. Please write something upon your Profile page apart from "xxx". I am an old fogey, at past 45... (!)

You sound as if you know what you are all about, and that is a good thing. (You also sound like you are at the edges of "being bullied"!) My advice would be to leave what is "popular" (or do it in your own way) - yet most of all... hang out with whomever is making you feel comfortable and happy.  "Worrying" about this, that, or the other is grist-to-the-mill for those of us with Autism... and so simply do as you want, yet always HEED whatever is worrying you (i.e. - do not ignore it). If you have questions or doubts, ask or find out somewhere. But, I say again, do not pander to hostile/damaging "peer pressure" ("being popular")...

In the long run - about 20 years?!? - this is the best strategy. Do whatever is making you alright, and become stronger within yourself, and for yourself you should work out what is good and what is not good. I cannot say much more than that, we all had to go through it. Good Luck to You.